A Thousand Years
by Wonder and Ashes
Summary: Shared dreams between Buffy and Spike lead to knowledge of what happened in the past – and open new doors leading to a potential future together, if they're able to not make the same mistakes as their ancestors. Winner at Round 30 of the Sunnydale Memorial Fanfiction Awards for Best Romance.
1. Prologue: Boudicca and Brennus

**Disclaimer**: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Chapter Notes**: First posted on _Elysian Fields_ September 4th 2014 as a response to a challenge.

* * *

_I have died every day waiting for you_

_Darling, don't be afraid_

_I have loved you for a thousand years_

_I'll love you for a thousand more_

~ Christina Perri, _A Thousand Years_

* * *

_I am Boudicca, the Vampire Slayer. And I wish to die a warrior's death. _

_It was Drest who decided that I am to marry Cynbel. Drest; my Watcher. The one who is supposed to guide me throughout my quest to rid this land of the creatures who roam the night. He told me that Slayers must always be alone, for that is how it is and that is how it should always be. _

_He feels that if I marry and bear children, any daughters I may have will be Potential Slayers, something he claims this land sorely needs. There are others out there, he says, but they are difficult to find in a land where the clans are spread far and wide. If I bear children, he says, they can start their training young, as I did. _

_But it does not feel right. I understand his intentions, but the thought of marrying Cynbel gives me an illness in my stomach. I am a Slayer, and I am strong. Cynbel does not make me feel strong; he makes me feel weak, and thinks I should only depend on him. _

_So in my confusion I venture across the land to see Feidlimid, a witch who resides in the high hills. She already knows why I have come when I reach her, and already has an answer for me. _

"_All Slayers have a Gift," she tells me. "What is it you most desire?" _

_I know my answer. "Death. I do not wish to marry Cynbel. I would rather die." _

"_Death is the Gift of the Slayer; the final look of peace as they escape the world that always fights against them," she said. "Go to the cave that lies beneath the valley, and there you will find the Slayer's Gift." _

_I nod to her, but as I turn to leave she speaks again. "You are no ordinary Slayer, Boudicca. You love with all your heart; it shines brighter than the sun. Your Gift is different, and in two thousand years, you will find it." _

"_I will not live for that long," I say. _

"_Not in this form," says Feidlimid. "Twelve times you will meet the Gift of the Slayer, and twelve times you will return. The thirteenth try will be the hardest, in a time when one has become two. But by then you would have learnt what a Slayer needs to survive, and your true Gift shall prevail." _

_I nod again, and when I turn to leave this time, she does not stop me. I do not understand her words, but Feidlimid is wise, and I do as she says. _

_When I reach the cave beneath the valley, the sense of danger overwhelms me. There is a vampire in the cave. At first I debate turning back, but then I remember Feidlimid's words, and I step inside. If I am to die, then it should be by a vampire's hand. _

_I see him when the cave is dark, but not dark enough for me to be blinded. It is almost as if he is waiting for me. He does not leap at me in a blind urge to tear me apart, as the many vampires had done before. Instead he waits for me to make the first move. _

_Only when I am closer do I recognize him. Brennus; a vampire well known to this land. He always stays in the shadows and lets no one see him. _

_No one but me, that is. I have seen him twice before, always at a distance, always watching me. Drest informed me that I should never attempt to engage him, because he is dangerous and I would not survive. I never understood why he would want me to stay away, for it is my duty to kill all vampires no matter how dangerous they are. _

_I understood when he told me I was to marry Cynbel. _

_I look into the yellow eyes of the killer and stand my ground. I will not show him any fear. Death is the Gift of a Slayer, and all Gifts must be accepted. _

_So I sit down before him and tell him, "Do it." _

_When he reaches me, I expect him to sink his fangs into my neck. And he does. _

_Only after an experience of pure bliss. _

_Drest lied to me. He claimed that vampires are nothing more than animals; soulless monsters who cannot feel a single measurement of emotion and will kill everything in their path without a hint of regret. But it must be a lie. _

_Brennus can love, and he loves me. "Mine," he claims, as his fangs slide gently into the point between my shoulder and neck. _

"_Yours," I say, and within me I feel something falling into place; a part of me I never knew was empty. _

_He only takes a few sips of my blood before he cuts his lip on his fang. I somehow know what to do, and take his lips in mine. The blood runs down my throat, and across my vision I see all that we can be together. _

_I see us in the future, looking different every time, but always meeting and always claiming and always making love to one another… Then the bliss reaches its peak and it's the most wonderful thing in the world. _

_We sleep tangled in each other, as if our bodies are one. In my happiness I do not acknowledge the approaching footsteps. By the time I awaken, it is already too late. _

_Cynbel is first to act, and drives a stake through the heart of my lover. I cry out in pain as Brennus turns to dust, and his sudden loss hits me with unbearable agony. It unleashes something within me, and I find myself taking Cynbel's head between my hands before I twist with all my strength. His neck snaps. _

_Then there is an arrow in my heart. I turn to see Drest with the bow before I fall and know no more._

* * *

I jolt awake from the pain that felt all too real to be a dream.

_Slayer dream_. I rub the back of my neck, which has become stiff from all the tossing and turning I did in my sleep. Then I grab the notebook and pen on my bedside table and begin to write it all down, while the dream is still fresh in my mind.

When I reach the end, I freeze. The vampire's face was clear as day, and it's something I really want to forget.

Why do I only remember _his_ face? I can't remember the faces of the man and the Watcher. I can remember the face of the witch, but I don't recognize her from anywhere. I want it to be a normal dream instead of a Slayer dream.

Because if it _is_ it would make sense, since I was kissing the vampire two days ago.

"Buffy? Are you up?"

I look around my room, only just remembering that it's the weekend and I'd decided to go home and see Mom and Dawn. "Yeah, I'm up. Can't stay, though. I need to see Giles."

I shower and dress quickly in my desperation to get this thing sorted. After what happened, the very thought of the spell having after effects was enough to wig me out. I hope either Willow or Giles can fix this.

The thought of falling in love with him… I shudder. It's disgusting.

And it's scary, because I can still feel the love she – Boudicca – felt for him in my dream. And I never knew erotic Slayer dreams were a thing…

I shudder again. I can't be thinking about that. Not now, not ever.

I call Giles in advance to tell him I'm coming, before calling the others, too. By the time I arrive, Willow and Xander are already there. Xander even brought doughnuts, most likely having anticipated a research session. He also brought Anya. I try not to look annoyed; she and Xander have a good thing going, and I know I need to be supportive.

"So what's up, Buff?" asks Xander.

"Slayer dream." I turn to Giles. "At least, I think it is. It felt so real that I can't imagine it being anything else. But…"

Giles sat up curiously. "But what, Buffy?"

"I don't want it to be, because…"

But before I can continue, _he_ walks into the room. In my panic to get to the bottom of the dream, I completely forgot that Spike is staying with Giles.

His mouth is open to say something – probably complain about the lack of blood, our treatment of him, or something completely random – but then he sees me, and his mouth closes again. He stares at me and I stare back, and suddenly I realize why.

He had the same dream.

We both cross the room in the same instant, and as if the dream had caused us to be totally in sync with one another, the words that leave our mouths are the same as well.

"What the hell was that about?!"


	2. Chapter One: The Dream

I forgot that the others are in the room with us. Too busy glaring at Spike.

"Cool." Willow speaks first. "Did you guys, like, rehearse that?"

"No!" And again with being in sync. What's with this vampire today? I turn and send him another glare. He sends me one back. At least we're on the same page.

"You were saying, Buffy?" asks Giles.

I sigh, and after sending Spike one final glare, I sit down. "Like I said, I had a Slayer dream last night. Or a regular dream which just so happens to be real like a Slayer dream."

"What did this dream consist of?"

Spike sits on the couch next to me, as far away from me as he can. I ignore him and he does the same. "I think I saw the life of another Slayer. Pretty ancient. Back when people lived in mud huts and there were clans and…stuff like that."

"Celts," Spike speaks up. I wonder how he knows this; Spike's smart, but not that kind of smart.

Giles is surprised. "You had this dream, too?" He looks between us. "You mean to tell me that the two of you shared a dream?"

"That's what it looks like," I mutter. I remember the dreams I shared with Angel that one time last year, but they weren't Slayer dreams; they were his own, taunts by the First Evil. But this dream… It was about a Slayer and a vampire – who looked exactly like Spike. So the Slayer probably looked like me.

I really hate this.

"Great, and I thought the kissing the other day was bad," says Xander.

"It was a spell!" Spike and I look at one another. We really need to stop saying the same things at the same time.

Giles rises from his seat and walks over to his bookcase. "What was the name of the Slayer?" he asks.

"Um… Boudicca," I reply. "And the vampire was called Brennus. And her Watcher was called Drest, or something like that."

Giles pulls out an old book and turns to the right page. Yay for old books. I hate looking in them, but they're handy to have. So long as the others look in them. Not me.

"Let's see… I recall reading a short passage about a Slayer with that name during my training."

"Isn't Boudicca a Celtic warrior woman who fought the Romans?" asks Willow.

"I believe _that_ Boudicca was named after the Slayer." Giles finds the right page and his eyes light up. "Ah, here we are. Boudicca was a Slayer who resided in the midlands of England and was well-known throughout her clan for slaying demons."

I'm surprised. "I thought people aren't supposed to know about the Slaying gig?"

"Back then people were far more aware of demons than they are nowadays," says Giles. "She lived around two thousand years ago, and it says here that she finally died in combat against the vampire Brennus."

"In combat?" I turn to Spike and he looks embarrassed. So do I. "Yeah, that's not what happened in the dream."

"You are suggesting that the diary is incorrect?" asks Giles.

"Believe me, Giles; I'm hoping the diary is the better source here." I bite my lip. I really don't wanna tell them what happened, but I realize that it's important. If something's happening – if these weird dreams end up connecting to an apocalypse of some sort – I can't afford to keep things from the others. Spike isn't protesting either, which is surprising. "You see… Look, let's just say things got a little…erotic."

And of course, Xander chose that moment to take a drink, which he immediately spat out once I finished speaking. Willow's eyes widen while Giles takes off his glasses and cleans them. Only Anya is unfazed, but that's nothing new with the subject matter.

"You _slept_ with him?!" Xander sputtered.

Willow looks guilty. "It was the spell, wasn't I? I made you two kiss and now you're all making with the love-"

"EW, EW, EWWWWWWW!" I gag at the thought.

"You lot are barmy if you think I'd wanna do that with _her_!"

"And technically it wasn't us," I say. "They just _looked_ like us. Which is really weird and really creepy, but it wasn't us. And…I didn't even enjoy it, anyway. I mean, the Slayer in the dream did, but I didn't."

"Too right." Spike rises and takes out a pack of cigarettes. Giles glares, but Spike ignores him as he lights up.

"Was there anything else in the dream?" asks Giles, trying to ignore Spike stinking out the room with his smoke.

I remember the visit to the witch. "Yeah. I saw this witch; I think her name was…Freya…Freidline…"

"Feidlimid," says Spike. I turn to him. "Brennus visited her, too. She told him some rot 'bout destiny before tellin' him to wait it out in tha' cave. If the Slayer was his destiny, my condolences to him."

"She told me something, too," I say. "She said that Death is a Slayer's Gift, but told Boudicca that she's full of love and that her Gift is different – and that she would find it in two thousand years."

"Two thousand years is now," says Giles. "That would explain why you are having the dream at this time."

"She also said that she will meet the Gift of the Slayer twelve times and return twelve times. The thirteenth time will be the hardest when one has become two, whatever _that_ means."

"Stop talking cryptic, Buff," says Xander. "It doesn't suit you."

"The witch was the one talking cryptic," I say. "Is that just a thing, for witches to talk like that?"

"_I_ don't," says Willow.

"When one has become two…" Giles thinks. "Perhaps that is a reference to the fact that there are two Slayers currently."

I shrug. It would make sense. "But what's with all the 'twelve' and 'thirteen' talk? What does that mean?"

"I honestly do not know, Buffy." Giles sighs. "All we can really do is wait and see what happens. You have already suggested that the diary is incorrect so I cannot imagine us finding out anything else that can be of use. I have to wonder why the Watchers would change the facts; the diaries are usually so accurate."

Spike scoffed. "Yeah, a real mystery. I wonder _why_ they didn't include the fact that a Slayer was Claimed by a soulless vampire."

Giles almost drops his glasses. "C-Claimed?"

I turn to Spike in confusion. "Claimed? What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's an emotional vampire ritual," says Spike. "Rarely practised on the account that most vampires can't love."

"Yeah, right." I almost laugh. "Don't you mean _all_?"

He glares at me. "_Most_. There're two different types of Claims; Matin' and Protection. A Protection Claim is just a bite; the vampire bites the person they want to protect, says a few words, takes a few sips, and that's tha'. Other vampires would know to stay away. A Matin' Claim is the same, but the person bein' bitten has to take a sip of the vampire's blood, as well. They become linked. If the link is severed…" He looks at me knowingly.

I nod, trying to forget the unbearable pain that shot through Boudicca after Brennus was killed.

"I didn't think it could work with humans," says Giles.

"Protection Claims can. I'd say Matin' Claims can work on Slayers." He shrugs, taking a long drag from his cigarette before blowing it in my face. I cough and glare at him for the hundredth time. "Don' know why any vamp _would_, though. 'S unnatural, is wha' it is. Especially linkin' themselves to _her_. I'd rather step out in the sunshine."

"Go ahead. No one will miss you." I wave mockingly. "And being Claimed to you? Total nightmare. Thank God that's all it was."

With nothing else to report, the rest of the gang leave. Spike goes to sulk in the bathroom which leaves Giles and I alone.

I think about what I saw in the dream when I – Boudicca – drank the vampire's blood. I saw myself many times over fighting the forces of darkness; different places and different time periods, but they were all the same. And then each Slayer came across a vampire like Spike, and each time they made love.

What does that mean? I think about the words of the witch. What does she mean by 'Death is the Slayer's Gift'? How can Death be a Gift? She said it was an escape for the Slayers; that final look of peace. It scares me, the fact that I may reach a point where I'll welcome death with open arms. Is that truly the fate of a Slayer? A short life of fighting and an early death?

And how is Boudicca's Gift different?

"Buffy?" I turn to find Giles watching me with concern. "You look troubled."

"I was thinking about what the witch said," I tell him. "I…I need you to be my Watcher again."

He looks surprised. "I was fired."

"Then be my Watcher in spirit," I say. "All I know about being the Slayer is that I fight demons and I'm probably gonna die young. Is that really it? Is that all there is to it? I need to know more; about where my power comes from, about the other Slayers, and what it truly means to be one. It's been over two thousand years, millions of girls have been Called, and yet nothing seems to have changed. I feel like there's something each girl isn't getting; I'm gonna find out what that is, and I'm gonna learn to control it. But I need your help."

He watches me as I talk, and when I'm done he does that thing with his glasses again. But he's not worried; just thoughtful. "I'll be very pleased to help you with this, Buffy. You are the longest living Slayer in history – or at least one of them – and you are certainly the first who has never been alone. I believe that means something."

When I leave his home to go to class, I finally bring myself to think about Spike. What part does he play in all this? I'm scared to answer.

* * *

Patrolling always helps relieve stress, and this time is no different.

"You know, it's probably none of my business, but I just gotta ask; did you smell this bad when you were alive?"

The vampire – some seventies reject with an afro and a rainbow jacket – snarls at me. Part of me is focussed on him while another part thinks back to the dream, and the certain bleach blonde vampire who was in it completely uninvited. Why can't the whole 'vampires-need-to-be-invited' thing work in dreams, too?

"If it's a post-mortem thing, then hey, so not your fault. But just so you know, the fast-growing field of personal grooming's come a long way since you became a vampire."

I raise my stake ready. But suddenly he grabs by arm, twists it, and the stake plunges into my gut.

Pain. Blinding.

I see colours. Red. White. Black. I feel the blood seeping through my hands as I pull the stake out. I hear the taunting laugh of the vampire as he stands over me.

And then, as I stare out across the cemetery, I see the face of my mortal enemy. His eyes are wide and his mouth is open, and when the ringing in my ears fades away I realize that he's calling my name.

"Buffy!"


	3. Chapter Two: Slipped Up

I collapse to the ground still holding my gut as Spike rushes past me. I don't see him do it, but I hear his growl as he tackles the other vampire into the dirt. Then I hear the familiar unearthly sound of the younger vampire turning to dust.

My first thought: Where's his headache? He thinks the same, as I hear him say, "It didn't fire. I can hurt demons." Then he's in front of me, and in his eyes I don't see a cold blooded killer or the Slayer of Slayers. Instead I see worry; he's worried about me, and I don't understand why.

"C'mon, Slayer. Don't quit on me now. _I'm_ s'posed to be the one tha' does you in."

"Shut up, Spike." I struggle to my feet. I can't go back to the dorm like this, but I can't go home; I don't want to worry Mom or Dawn, which means the hospital is out of the question, too. "Giles…" I begin to stumble.

Spike grabs me. "Stubborn bitch. I'm tryin' ta _help_ you."

"Don't need…your…help…" Even as I speak my vision starts going dark. I can't keep my eyes open. The pain is overwhelming and I just wanna let it come. Is this what the witch meant? Is Death truly my Gift? Will I only ever welcome pain instead of fight it?

Suddenly Spike is carrying me, and honestly, I'm in too much pain to care. It takes all of my energy not to black out. I'm afraid that if I do, I won't wake up again. I'm scared that part of me doesn't care.

I know when we arrive at Giles's. His "Good lord" gives him away. Spike brings me inside and lies me down on the couch. I open my eyes and see Giles bringing a first aid kit.

"Giles…"

"I'm here." He sets the stuff down before giving me a drink. I see the pain killers at the bottom of the glass. I drink, and as I do Giles turns to Spike. "So explain to me again why you showed up on my front step with my Slayer in your arms?"

"A vamp," he says. "Used her own bloody stake against her. Got her in the gut."

"Yes, I can see that," says Giles. "What I don't understand is why you helped her at all? While I am grateful for your actions… Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you want to kill her."

"That's right. _I_ want to kill her," he says. "Can't do that if another vamp gets to her first – a vamp not even _half_ my age, at that."

"While I would usually be inclined to believe that, your face tells a different story."

I turn my head to look at Spike. He hasn't lost his 'oh god she almost died' look. I would've called it a fluke if I hadn't seen it before, when I threatened to stake Drusilla. But why is he worried about me? He wants to kill me, and I want to kill him. It's simple, and easy to remember. Throwing worry about each other into the mix just complicates things.

Spike finally gives in. "I don' know, OK? It's like this…instinct! I saw her get staked and I wanted to rip the wanker's head off! _I_ don' even understand it! And it's bloody unnatural!"

"Join the club," I moan. "And lie to me next time so we don't complicate our relationship."

"Yeah, well…can't seem to do that, either," Spike snarled. "Bloody hell, that dream's done something to me."

"You're blaming the dream now?"

"It has to be!" He throws his arms into the air in frustration before storming out. "At least I can fight demons now."

Giles looks up to watch him go before turning to me. "I'm sorry, did he say…?"

"He can hurt demons." I black out.

* * *

I skip classes the next day. Giles advises it until I feel better, and I agree.

We spend the day looking through the Watchers diaries. I need to know what I did wrong last night; it was a typical vampire and it got the better of me. I thought maybe it was because I was distracted by thoughts of the dream, but that's never stopped me before. I stake vampires in the middle of conversations. It's usually no big.

But this time I slipped up, and I need to know why.

"These Watchers don't go into much detail," I finally complain to Giles at the end of the day. "Slayer's called, blah-blah, scary battles, blah-blah, oops she's dead. They don't explain her final battle, or anything; they don't tell us why she failed. What made that last fight special? Or not special, since it's…not good. You know, she died, and all. But last night was too close. I know all Slayers come with an expiration date, but I want mine to be a long time from now."

"I imagine the circumstances would be painful for the Watchers to describe." Giles looks away, and I understand. If I had died last night, I can't imagine him being able to recount my last battle.

But that doesn't help. I can't die; I can't leave Mom and Dawn behind, or my friends. And part of me suspects that in finding the answer I may be able to solve the whole 'Death is the Slayer's Gift' mystery. "But if the Watchers can't help us… Who else would've been around to see it?"

The front door bursts open and in comes Spike with a flaming blanket over his head.

"Bloody hell!" He stomps on the blanket, trying to put it out. "The sun's almost down; tha' shouldn't 'ave happened!"

I look at him and it hits me. Spike killed two Slayers. He witnessed – caused – the deaths of two Slayers. If anyone knows anything about the last battles of the Slayer, that anyone would be him.

"Spike." Giles tries not to sigh. "You have been absent since last night."

"Yeah, well…" He shrugs. "Since I can hurt demons, I figured I'd find my own place. Been wanderin' the sewers most of the day. No luck yet."

I don't wait for him to say anything else. I cross the room, grab the collar of his duster and pin him against the wall.

"Watch the leather! You'll bruise it!"

I ignore him. "I have a proposition for you."

His eyebrow goes up. "Yeah?"

"Slayers," I say. "You killed two of them. I need you to tell me how."

At first he looks surprised. And then he chuckles, and I resist the urge to punch the smirk off his face. "Well, well. Look who needs the Big Bad's help."

"Seeing as we helped _you_ it'll only be fair if you return the favour," I say.

"Funny. I don' call tyin' someone up and lettin' them starve "helpin'". Aren't _I_ s'posed to be the evil one here?"

"Help, or I'll help _you_ fit into an ashtray."

"Children, if you're done." I turn to Giles and see him taking out his wallet.

Spike's eyes light up. "Those are pretty-lookin' pieces of paper."

"Tell Buffy what you know, and the money is yours."

My eyes widen. Giles has, what, over a hundred dollars in his hand? Does he really need to spend that on _Spike_, of all people? "Giles, don't waste your money on trash."

"Hey!"

"Buffy, he may be the only method of finding out what you wish to know," says Giles. "I do not wish for you to die as much as you do; I'm willing to pay Spike for any information he has."

"And I'm willin' to accept it." He smirks, and once again I resist the urge to punch him. "'Course, since I'm tellin' the tale, I get to pick where we go and wha' I get. We go to tha' kiddie hang out and you buy me buffalo wings. I'm feelin' peckish."

I go to punch him. Giles sees it coming and catches my fist. "Buffy."

He gives me the look and I back down. I get it. I need Spike to tell me everything he knows about Slayers, and unless I play nice, he'll be difficult. Or he'll decide the money isn't worth it and leave, and I can't afford that.

Half an hour later, Spike and I leave Giles's and head for the Bronze. We don't talk, and that's fine with me. I clench my fists to keep myself under control.

Then a thought occurs to me. "Spike, why were you out last night?" He came to us for protection, and yet he was out wandering in the night, just _asking_ to be attacked by some demon or the commando boys. This was before the discovery that he can hurt demons, so why would he risk it?

Spike looks surprised by my question before he shrugs. "Don't rightly know. Needed some air, started walkin'; didn't really mean to go that far."

I realize that I might have died had he not come by. It was almost…meant to be. I wonder what that could mean.


	4. Chapter Three: Gift of the Slayer

It's after we're sat down and he's digging into his buffalo wings that he begins his story.

"Like all vamps, I was a man once," he began. "Started out at the bottom; climbed my way to the top. The usual MO."

"Is this your life story now?" I ask.

Spike rolls his eyes. "Right. You wanna learn how I bested the Slayers, and you wanna learn fast. We fought, I won, the end. Pay up."

His face is looking really punch-able right now. "That's not-"

"You want a quick demo? A description, blow by blow, for you to map out and memorize? It's not about the moves, luv."

"Then what's it about?"

"Let me tell it my way and you'll find out."

I sigh. I need to put up with this, just for one night. "Were you born this big a pain in the ass?"

"I've always been bad, baby." He takes one last bite, finishing the wings. "So, as I was sayin', I was a man at the bottom of heap. Back in 1880, I believe. Then one lonely night I ran into Dru and she helped me climb up to the top." He looks over at the pool table. "I feel like a game."

Then he stands up and walks over. I roll my eyes. He has the attention span of a child. I follow anyway, and once the game is going, I say, "So you traded up on the food chain. Then what?"

"Oh, please! Don't make it sound like something you'd flip past on the Discovery Channel," he says. He leans across the table and pots another ball. "Become a vampire is a profound and powerful experience. I could feel this new strength coursing through me. Gettin' killed made me feel alive for the very first time. I was through livin' by society's rules; decided to make a few of my own. Of course, in order to do that, I had to get myself a gang."

"The Whirlwind; Scourge of Europe." Darla, Drusilla…and Angel. _Angelus_.

"First found out about the Slayer when we were hidin' in Yorkshire. Mine shaft," says Spike. "I started a fight, we ran, and your precious Angel was angry."

"He wasn't Angel back then," I insist.

He laughs. "And he is now? He hasn't changed, luv. Just switched sides, thanks to tha' spark in his chest. Did he ever tell you tha' he spent a good couple of years with us even _after_ he got himself tha' soul?"

I try not to let it show that no, he didn't. He actually stayed with them? "This isn't about Angel."

"Too right, it's not." He scores another ball in the hole. "Angelus was tryin' to teach me about bein' a vamp; he claimed that killin' is an art. I prefer a good brawl. He warned me tha' one day it'll end with me on the end of a Slayer's stake. I asked what a Slayer was, he told me, and after that I was obsessed. I mean, to most vampires the Slayer was a subject of cold sweat and frightened whispers. But I never hid. I sought her out. You look for fun; there's death, there's glory, and there's sod all else. I was young."

I watch him as he walks over to the table and gulps down a mouthful of beer. "So how'd you kill her? The first one?"

"Funny you should ask." Before I realize what's happening he crosses the gap between us, turns me around to face him and grips me tightly. He doesn't hurt me, because he doesn't suddenly get a headache. "Lesson the First: A Slayer must always reach for her weapon." He shifts into his game face. "I've already got mine."

"Spike-"

He chuckles as he slips out of it again. Then he lets me go and steps back. "Good thing, too. Become a vampire, you've got nothin' to fear – nothin' but one girl. That's you, honey. Back then, it was her: Xin Rong. Wicked fighter. Had this enchanted sword; got me right here." He pointed a finger at the scar on his eyebrow. "I'll admit, luck was on my side with that battle; with the Rebellion goin' on outside, she was keepin' an eye on the danger. The innocents. Couldn't keep up, and I drank from her. Then Dru and I had a shag over her body. It was the best night of my life, and I've had some sweet ones."

As he spoke he sat back down at the table to finish off his beer. I just stare at him; the expression on his face, the tone of his voice… It's disgusting.

"What are you lookin' at?"

I blink. Then I realize that I've been staring at him. "You…you got off on it."

"Well, yeah," he says, as if I'd asked him the easiest question in the world. "S'pose you're tellin' me you don't?"

I don't answer that. Fighting vampires and demons; it's a burden and it's my duty. But sometimes I find myself enjoying it, especially when I meet my match. The quips I give, the punches I throw… I enjoy it, in my better moods. Not often, but sometimes… I couldn't admit this. Not when Spike enjoys it too. It makes me feel dirty.

He scoffs when I don't reply and stands up. "How many of my kind do you reckon you've done?"

"Not enough."

He nods, agreeing. Why would he agree with me? "And we just keep comin'. You can kill a hundred, a thousand, or a thousand-thousand and the armies of Hell besides. And all we need is for one of us – just one – to sooner or later have a thing we're all hopin' for."

He gets up in my face, but I stand my ground. "And that would be what?"

Then he leans in, looking at my neck, and whispers in my ear, "One good day."

I know exactly what he means by that and push him away.

"Hey!" he protests. Other people look over, but we both ignore them. "You asked, and I'm tellin'. The problem with you, Summers, is tha' you've got so good you're startin' to think you're immortal."

"I don't delude myself, Spike," I say. "I know I'm not immortal. I just know I can handle myself."

"Oh, you can," he says. "I don't doubt that, and the Poof should've learnt that one, too. But look at you; one little slip, and suddenly you're askin' a creature you loathe for details from the other side. Everyone slips up sometimes, even the good ones. Look at me; famous Slayer killer who couldn't kill his third."

"And you're not going to."

He rolls his eyes. "I recall tha' if it wasn't for me _you_ would've been regrouped into separate piles of Slayer." And then he throws his fist and it hits my wound. I cry out in pain, recoiling back, and he does the same, only he's holding his head. I wonder if that was worth it for him.

We look around at the people staring at us. I glare at them, and of course they quickly go back to minding their own business. "So that's it?" I ask him. "Lesson over."

"Not even close. C'mon." He takes one of the pool-stick things and stalks outside. I hesitate before I follow him.

I see him standing ready for a fight, stick in hand. "Give it to me."

Instead he takes a swing. I dodge, swing back, and he dodges too. I grab him by the throat and pin him against the wall. But then he starts laughing.

"What?" I'm really not in the mood for this. I came to learn, and so far he hasn't really taught me anything – other than confirming how big a pain in the ass he is.

"Lesson the Second: Ask the right questions," he says. "You wanna know how I beat them?" I step back. Now we're getting somewhere. "The question isn't 'How'd I win?' The question is 'How'd they lose?'"

"What's the difference?"

He strikes out with the stick but stops, just inches away from my throat. I don't flinch. "There's a big difference."

I kick the stick away and it clatters to the ground. "How'd you kill the second one?"

"A bit like this." He swings for me, three times, and I dodge.

"That didn't hurt?" I ask. He's tried to hit me before, and all he got was a headache in return.

"I knew I couldn't touch you," he explains. "If there's no intent to hurt you, then no migraine for me. If on the other hand…" He shifts into his game face and tries to run at my, but he doesn't even get a step before he's crying out in pain and holding his head.

Serves him right. I watch as the game face shifts away. "Funny. Do it again."

He laughs it off. "See? Now that hurt," he points out, as if it wasn't obvious.

I'm tired of playing around. "Yeah? This hurt too?" My fist shoots out and I get him in the gut, before I hit him in the face and send him to the ground.

"Definitely." He looks up at me, but not in disgust. It's the same look I saw on him when he told me about the first Slayer.

_And_ ew. He's getting off me hitting him. Gross. "How'd you kill them, Spike?"

He shoots up and throws his fist, but it's clumsy and I grab it easily before flipping him over my shoulder. I sit on top of him, stake out and ready, and he grabs my hand before saying through gritted teeth, "You're not ready to know."

"I'm _ready_."

"OK, then. It went a bit like this." He grabs me and throws me over his head so I roll. It doesn't hurt, so no headache. He jumps to his feet. "The first one was all business, but the second one… Now, she had a touch of your style." He starts throwing punches – my guess the same punches he threw at that other Slayer – and I block him every time. "She was cunnin', resourceful, and did I mention, _hot_? I could've danced all night with that one."

"You think we're dancing?" What does that even mean?

"It's all we've ever done."

I grab him and throw him away. He reaches down and picks up the stick before twirling it in his hand. "The bad thing 'bout dancin' is you never get to stop. Every day you wake up to the same bloody question tha' haunts you: Is today the day I die?" He brings the stick down and I block it, before I punch him in the face.

We spin, and I trip him so he falls to the ground. He remains there on his knees, looking up at me with that insightful look he gets that I hate. It means that he knows what he's talking about, and usually he's right. "Death is on your heels, baby. And sooner or later, it's gonna catch you. Part of you wants it. Remember what you said yesterday? What that witch told you? Death is a Slayer's Gift; it's your art. You make it with your hands day after day. That final gasp; that look of peace. And part of you is desperate to know… What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret; not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. She merely wanted it. Every Slayer has a Death wish."

_Death is a Slayer's Gift…_ I can't move. I can't even bring myself to hit him.

"Life gets tough, and you want out." He rises to his feet. "The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is 'cause you've got ties to the world; Mum, sis, Scoobies, Watcher… Their love keeps you here. But you're just puttin' off the inevitable. Sooner or later you're gonna want it, and the second – the second," He claps his hands in front of my face, "that happens, you'll know I'll be there. I'll slip in and have myself a real good day."

I want to look away but I can't keep my eyes off him. That's…that's what it means by 'Death is the Gift of the Slayer'. It's because they want it. Life gets too hard, and they want it to end. How many times have I wanted to escape this life? I know now there's only one escape…and that sometimes, part of me _does_ want it.

Spike smirks. "Here ends the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did."

I want to yell at him. I want to tell him he's wrong. I want to beat him to a pulp. But I can't, because he's right. All he did was tell me what I wanted to know. I asked for it. He could've been a little quicker about it, but I got what I came for.

I wordlessly take the cash out of my pocket and let it scatter around him. He looks down at it and then back at me; his eyes are questioning and confused.

I say nothing as I turn and walk away. There're no more questions except one: Why was Boudicca's Gift different?

_You love with all your heart…_

_Their love keeps you here… _

Boudicca and I are connected, I realize. How? I don't know.


	5. Chapter Four: Psyche and Eros

**Chapter Notes**: A big thank you to everyone who voted for me at the SunnyD awards! I won **Best New Author**, **Best Romance** (for _A Thousand Years_) and **Best Movie Crossover** (for _La Belle et la Bête_). I was also Runner Up for **Best Fluff** (also for _La Belle et la Bête_).

* * *

I tell Giles the next morning.

"As much as it pains me to say this, I do believe Spike has a point," says Giles. "I recall watching several Slayers during my training; they were serious and unemotional. There was no life in them."

"And no reason to live," I finish. "It explains why I've lived for so long; friends and family to keep me company. Spike said it's their love tying me here. I think that's why I had the dream."

Giles looks at me questionably. "How so?"

"The witch said Boudicca was full of love," I explain. "The love for my family and friends – their love for me – is what's keeping me here. It's stopping me form getting that stupid Gift. If I've learnt anything from living on the Hellmouth, it's that there're no such things as freaky coincidences."

Giles nods. "At least we know now how to keep you alive."

"Bring on the love." I nod in agreement.

I leave and make my way to Psych class. I think about the hot TA waiting there for me. Riley and I haven't kissed yet, and things are going OK. I'm not distant like I was with Scott, and I'm not desperate like I was with Parker. I'm taking things slow, just so I know I'm making the right choice. Having a boyfriend is another great tie to the world.

* * *

_I am Psyche, the Vampire Slayer. And I have been captured by the very creature I am supposed to kill. _

_Only the vampire does not want to kill me. _

_It began when Zephyr, my Watcher, warned me that the powerful vampire Aphrodite wanted me dead. Pan wanted to take the fight to her. I refused. He is an ordinary man; he would not stand a chance against a normal vampire, let alone a powerful one. _

_Love does dangerous things to men. _

_I was later told that Aphrodite sent another vampire to do the deed; Eros. I was on my guard as I hunted him, and was able to stake several vampires I came across. But Eros was clever; he knew to stay out of the range of my senses. I knew he was watching me – I knew the whole time – but I could not find him. _

_Frustration with Pan took me off my guard. Eros attacked me and I was pushed into the darkness of unconsciousness. Only, Eros did not finish me off. Instead he spirited me away to a place I do not know, and locked me in a room too dark for me to see anything. _

_That is where I am now. _

_He never tries to kill me. At night when I sleep, he enters the room to sleep next to me. He remains on his side at all times. He never touches me, though he has tried to give into the urge. I can always sense his fingers, close enough to touch, but I do not. It is wrong, and I do not understand what he is doing. _

_I decide that I need to kill him. For it is my duty as the Slayer, despite the actions of the vampire. When he is absent I am able to snap the wooden bed post. There are no sharp objects in the room, so I am forced to use my teeth in order to sharpen my new stake. Only when I am done, days later, do I realize that I cannot see where his chest is. _

_So I rip a strip from the bed sheets and wrap it around the blunt end of the stake. I wait for Eros to come to me before I light it. _

_I am able to use various objects around the room to create a spark. Eros hears me, for a vampire's hearing is better than a Slayer's, and he tries to stop me. But he retreats from me when I hold the torch towards him, and then I see his face for the first time. _

_And he is beautiful. _

_I forget about killing him. How can I kill something with a face such as his? I drop the torch and stomp it out, before I fall into his arms and kiss him. _

_He kisses me everywhere. He tells me that he loves me – has loved me since he first saw me – and I believe him because otherwise I would already be dead. He tells me how beautiful I am, and I cry in happiness. Pan never told me I'm beautiful. _

_Eros carries me to the bed and lays me down. Then he's on top and making love to me. I do not see him shift into his demonic face, but I sense it. I do not have to see it to know that his face is still beautiful. I know he will not hurt me. _

_He bites me and claims me as his. I accept that claim and sip his blood. And as we sleep I am overwhelmed with happiness. _

_I do not sense the danger coming, and neither does he. _

_Light floods the room from the open door. I open my eyes and see Zephyr and Pan, staring at me and the man lying next to me. I watch as Pan is consumed by jealousy, and I am too late to stop him from driving a stake through the heart of my lover – the stake I had carved myself. _

_The pain of his loss fuels my anger. I grab Pan and snap his neck without a second thought. Then there is an arrow in my heart._

* * *

I jolt awake and my hand instinctively goes to my heart.

"Buffy?"

Willow is looking at me in concern. I see that she has been awake longer than me, for she is already dressed and preparing for the day's classes.

"Another dream," is all I say as I sit up in bed.

"Oh." She hesitates. "Shall I call Giles?"

I nod. "Xander, too. And…ask if Spike's there. At Giles's."

Willow pauses and looks at me again. "Was Spike…?"

All I can do is nod.

Willow calls Giles and Xander while I get myself ready. On the way out she tells me that Spike isn't at Giles's, but he might be when we get there. I expect him to be; if he really did share the dream with me like the last time…

He's there when we arrive. He's sat in the armchair he seems to have commandeered as of late, and watches me as Willow and I join the group. He doesn't sneer or glare; he just watches me, almost curiously.

Giles speaks first. "Spike has informed me that the two of you experienced another dream last night."

"Sort of different this time," I say. "Another Slayer. Greek, I think. Her name was Psyche."

"Psyche… I cannot say I've heard of her." Giles walks over to his bookshelf. "And the vampire?"

"Eros," Spike speaks up.

Giles pauses and turns to us both, just as Willow's eyes light up and she gives a cry of, "Oh!"

"What?" I ask.

"Eros and Psyche! It's a Greek fairy tale!" Willow is practically glowing with excitement, but Giles doesn't share her enthusiasm and instead takes his glasses off to clean. "It's a Roman one, too. Only Eros is known as Cupid in their version."

"Cupid?" I blink. "You mean the diaper guy with the little wings and the arrows that make people fall in love?"

Spike chuckles. "Turns out he's a vamp. That's irony for you."

"Well, that's _my_ Valentine's Day ruined," says Xander.

"It's fairly well known," explains Willow. "But not too well known like _Cinderella_ and _Snow White_. Eros fell in love with Psyche, and she was told to sleep with him every night in a dark room without ever seeing his face."

"Same in the dream," I say. "Only the vamp kidnapped her. Talk about Stockholm Syndrome."

"Psyche fell in love with him," Willow continues. "But then she was convinced through distrust to light a candle and look upon his face as he slept. Eros was taken from her, and Psyche searched to the ends of the Earth to get him back."

I wince. "That's…not what happened when Psyche saw his face. Things got a little hot in that room."

"Again?!" Xander looks horrified.

"It's not us, it's _them_!" I complain.

"And then that Watcher and man had to ruin everything," says Spike.

Giles stands at this. "A Watcher?"

"It happened in the last dream as well. We must've forgotten to mention that last time," I say. "The girl's Watcher and a man in love with her show up. The man kills the vampire, the Slayer kills the man, and the Watcher kills the Slayer."

"He killed his own Slayer?!" Giles is both horrified and angered.

"Probably disgusted tha' she slept with a creature she's s'posed to kill," says Spike. He then turns to look at me. "He really killed you… I mean, the Slayer? I woke up after the vamp was killed, both times."

I nod. "It's kinda scary."

"What do these men look like?" asks Giles.

"I don't know," I reply. "Their faces are blurry."

"Same here," says Spike. "Though I was shocked to see Dru there."

I sit up. "Drusilla? What was _she_ doing there?"

"She was Aphrodite." Spike smirks. "The one who sent Eros to kill the Slayer – just 'cause the Slayer was prettier than her. 'Course, things didn't go to plan, and he ended up fallin' for the chit instead. What a wanker."

"The whole death thing could be a metaphor for losing him," says Willow. "And now Psyche is searching for him." She gives me a meaningful look.

I look at her and wonder what she's thinking. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Think about it," she says. "Boudicca is told that she'll find her Gift in two thousand years. Twelve times she'll die and twelve times she'll return. That sounds like reincarnation to me."

"Reincarnation…" It would make sense.

Willow nods. "Psyche is the second reincarnation. My guess is that it kept happening for two thousand years…right up until now. And since you and Spike are having the dreams and they look like you…"

My eyes widen and I look over at Spike. He looks at me like my mirror image; wide eyes of horror. We both jump up.

"EWWWW!"

"Bloody hell!"

"We are _not_ reincarnated lovers! We're just _not_!"

"It…it was just a suggestion." Willow lowers her head and I see the shame and guilt in her eyes.

I sit down next to her. "It's OK, Wills. It probably _is_ reincarnation, 'cause it _does_ make sense. It's just…Spike. I mean, ew."

"I'll take your 'ew' and raise it to horrified laughter," says Xander.

Spike grits his teeth. "Bloody, buggerin' _fuck_. This is wha' I get from comin' back to Sunnyhell; a chip shoved up my brain and Slayer-fuckin' nightmares. 'Course, the last part ain't so bad; I always knew fuckin' a Slayer would be better than fightin' one."

I rise from my seat again, cross the two steps separating us and punch him in the jaw. Hard. It sends him flying.

"Get the hell out of here, Spike."

"Gladly." He pulls his coat over his head before opening the door and running out into the sunshine.

"Well, this is peculiar."

I turn to where Giles is standing by the bookcase. There's a book open in his hand.

"What's peculiar?" I ask.

"This is the index that lists every single Slayer there has ever been," says Giles. "But Psyche is not on the list."


	6. Chapter Five: Instinct

A night at the Bronze is just what I need to take my mind off the erotic "reincarnation" dreams. I get that it could be reincarnation – it really would make sense – but I can't stand the thought of Spike and I…

I shudder.

Thankfully Riley doesn't notice. I decided to bring him along because he's never been here, and it's like sharing a part of myself with him. And I can't exactly share the whole Slaying deal with him. All I want is a nice, normal night with a guy who could become my nice, normal boyfriend.

I ignore the voice in my head that keeps whispering doubts to me; that if he truly cared, he would be able to tell that something's wrong with me. The voice reminds me of what happened with Owen, and that it could happen again if Riley gets caught up in my so-not-normal life. He could die, or worse.

Funny. Angel said back then that the Slayer can't date someone normal. So why did he tell me to find a normal guy before he left? And _there's_ an interesting bit of information I can store away to contemplate later.

While Riley goes to get drinks, I look around to see if there's anyone I recognize. I know my friends aren't here; Willow's helping Giles with research on what the dreams mean, and Xander's spending the evening with Anya. Still, I scan the club to see if there's anyone else I recognize…

I sigh and clench my fist when I spot a familiar head of bleach blonde by the bar.

I took the night off in order to get away from anything that has to do with the dreams. Why does he have to show up and ruin everything?

He hasn't noticed me, meaning he's not here to purposely annoy me. He's just drinking and snacking on that weird onion thing he's taken a liking to. But seriously, why does he have to show up here? Can't he go bother the demons at Willy's?

I decide to just ignore him when Riley walks over with our drinks. "Here you go. I can't believe I've never been to this place before. Mostly just stuck to frat parties."

"Frat parties can be overrated," I say. I remember my first one with Cordelia – when we were almost fed to a freaky demon snake. Then there was the one with Parker where Spike and Harmony made cameo appearances, and then there was the one not too long ago when Xander pulled me away once again on account of Spike…

Is that vampire seriously trying to ruin my life? I look over at him again; he still hasn't noticed me, and I'm hoping it stays that way.

"So…" I turn my attention back to Riley as he speaks. "Why don't you tell me a bit more about yourself? Because all I really know about you is that you're pretty, and… Well, you're a mystery. And I know I've gone into that before, but…you really are."

I smile. "You know, you're the first guy I've met who actually _wants_ to know more about the mystery beauty," I say. "Most guys think that's enough; finding out more takes the edge off it, and doesn't keep them guessing. You know, stuff like that."

I want to tell him about my life – but leaving out the Slaying side, there really isn't much to tell. And I really don't feel comfortable keeping that huge part of my life from him. But at the same time, I know I have to because I don't want things to go wrong; he could hate it and leave me, or he could like it a little _too_ much and put himself in danger.

"Then call me the curious cat who doesn't want to keep guessing," says Riley. "Relationships are built on honesty, and I want us to be honest with each other."

Great, he just has to make me feel even guiltier. Why can't he just take me as the mystery girl I am and accept that? I don't wanna scare him off, and I don't want him to get hurt. Why can't he already know stuff about demons and vampires? Like…

I look over at Spike. He's still sat there; he still hasn't noticed me. He's just minding his own business.

"Why don't I start?" says Riley, but only part of me listens to him. He tells me stuff about Iowa and where he grew up, and I want to be interested, but it just sounds so…normal.

I keep looking between Riley and Spike. I really can't help it. I call Spike annoying, but at least I'm usually interested in what he has to say. Sure, mostly because it's my job, but it still holds my attention.

And Spike has that scar on his eyebrow which he got fighting his first Slayer; he's a guy who's been in fights. Riley has muscles, and he can probably hold his own in a fight, but he has no scars to show for it. His skin looks too perfect, like it's been blessed by the same holy water that can burn Spike to a crisp. And Riley has this round face which doesn't really fit with the rest of his body, and his hair is pretty lifeless too, while Spike's face flows with his body and his hair stands out…

Oh. My god.

I'm comparing Riley to _Spike_.

And I'm finding _Spike_ more attractive.

I have eyes; I know Spike's a looker. But I'm _not supposed to acknowledge that_.

It must be the dreams; it has to be. Being in another body and having a vampire who looks like Spike make love to me… It's gonna do _something_ to a girl. But I've gotta ignore it. This is _Spike_, for crying out loud. Here I am with a nice, normal guy who won't break my heart, and I'm thinking about a soulless killer like he's a potential lover. My life is seriously messed up.

When I turn back to Riley he's looking at me expectantly. I realize that he's finished his story – all I got from it is that he's a farm boy from Iowa – and is waiting for me to say something.

"Um… OK, I'm gonna be honest, I missed that last part," I admit. "Sorry, I thought I saw a girl from high school, and…"

"That's alright," he says. I can see his slight frustration that I haven't been paying attention to him, but I'm the one in the wrong; I should've been listening. "As I was saying-"

Suddenly the lights go out and the music stops, and everyone looks around. I'm able to see slightly better in the dark, and I look over at Spike. But it's not him; he looks just as confused as everyone else.

I wonder if it could be vampires deciding to pull off an elaborate attack, but then a smoke bomb goes off.

"Buffy." Riley pushes me behind him. Sweet, but I can take care of myself. I move away to try and get a look at what's going on.

Commandos. They enter through the various doors around the Bronze, some holding scanners while others have guns. I don't understand why they've attacked, and in a crowded place, as well. Why would they?

My question is answered by Spike bolting out the door. The commandos see him go and hurry after him. Once they're gone, the lights come back on and the music starts to play again. In typical Sunnydale fashion, everyone goes back to what they were doing like nothing happened.

"You OK, Buffy?" asks Riley.

But I'm not listening. My focus is on the door where Spike disappeared with the commandos giving chase. I think back to the dream, and how Eros was killed right in front of Psyche…and how in the fairy tale version Eros was taken…

I'm suddenly filled with fear, and instinct takes over. "I have to go." I'm out the door before Riley can reply.

I follow my senses through the alleyways surrounding the Bronze. Despite the fact that Spike's been captured by the commandos before, I know he can outrun them and outsmart them, if he puts his mind to it. But I'm still worried, because the commandos are human and if cornered, Spike can't fight back. He's defenceless and helpless, and that's not right.

I find them in an alley. Spike is cornered as I feared, and the commandos have him surrounded. I see one of the men preparing their Taser.

Dread fills me and I react. I grab the man from behind and throw him into a wall. There are three other men with him, but they pose no threat to me. I throw one over my shoulder and he lands in a dumpster. Another tries to take out his Taser but I hit it away before giving him a blow to the face; he falls unconscious. The last has taken out his scanner to see what I am, but I don't let him finish; I kick the scanner out of his hand before spinning on my heel and kicking him in the face. He too falls unconscious.

The last thing I do is step on the scanner, smashing it to pieces.

"Oh, it's the Slayer," says Spike. "For a second there I was worried."

His voice helps me override the instinct that took over, and I suddenly realize what I've done. I've hurt humans. Granted, I've hurt humans before in self-defence, but this time I was defending a _vampire_. And not just any vampire, but _Spike_.

I hear the man in the dumpster starting to come around. "We have to go." I run, and he runs behind me. I don't stop until I'm certain we're far enough away so they don't catch up.

"So what was _that_ all about?" asks Spike.

I stop and turn on him. "I think you know, Spike. The same thing probably happened to you when you saw _me_ in trouble."

He knows what I'm talking about; the night he saved me from that other vampire. He sighs. "What are these dreams doin' to us, Slayer? They're…they're makin' us feel things we shouldn't be feelin'."

"Tell me about it," I say. "I mean, these people aren't us, and yet we're feeling the same feelings as them. I know that I still hate you, but at the same time I can't stand the thought of something happening to you."

"Same here."

We look at each other, hard, and in his eyes I see something. It was in Brennus's eyes when he looked at Boudicca, and in Eros's eyes when he looked at Psyche. I remember Willow's words about how we could be the latest reincarnation of them, and if we are then that means…

I turn away and run. He does too, in the opposite direction. I'm disgusted, but more than that, I'm terrified. If we really _are_ reincarnations of these past Slayers and vampires, then what does that mean for us? Will the same thing happen?

I don't want to die – but more than that, I don't want to fall in love with him. It just can't happen. Really, seriously can't. Just…no. I'll just have to ignore my instincts and the almost overwhelming emotion that hits me after the dreams.

Only when I get back to my dorm do I remember that I left Riley alone at the Bronze.


	7. Chapter Six: Marcellina and Flavius

_I am Marcellina, the Vampire Slayer. And I am a warrior fighting the wrong battles. _

_A Slayer's duty is to kill the vampires and the demons that plague this land. And I do, but in the wrong way. A Slayer must be out in the open, hunting and killing the creatures that threaten the innocent in the streets of the night. _

_A Slayer should not be imprisoned in the great Colosseum, forced to fight for the amusement of the wealthy while the poor are dying. _

_It is the fault of my Watcher, Augustus; he is an advisor to our Emperor, a frequent spectator of my battles. He wished for entertainment, and Augustus gave him me. It is a loophole; I am still performing my duty, only now I must do it as a prisoner while my Watcher receives the wealth he does not deserve. _

_Worst of all, I have been promised to Lucius, the Emperor's son. _

_Every day is the same; during the day I fight the various demons the army has captured. There are different species, and I notice that not all of them are harmful. Some have no interest in fighting and simply stand in protest. They understand that I have to kill them; all of them want it, for they prefer death by my hand over any other option. Then in the evening I fight the vampires; how many there are depends. _

_Today is different. Things have changed, for I am to fight Flavius. _

_Flavius was once a warrior of the Roman army until he was turned. He became the prize; the one vampire every soldier wanted to capture. It took an entire army to finally take him down. _

_But he was not killed; the Emperor wanted him alive. He wanted Flavius to fight in the Colosseum, against his own kind and demons combined. Unfavourable odds, but Flavius bested them every time. I have watched him before, and he is truly a skilful warrior. _

_And now I am to fight him. Having been promised to Lucius, I have to wonder why. _

_It is nightfall when we are forced into the open. I am given a sword and told by my Watcher to keep the battle going as long as I can before I stake him. Does he think I can beat him? I myself am uncertain of my chances. _

_We walk towards one another before turning to the Emperor to bow. But when we are knelt, I hear Flavius speak beside me. _

"_It will be a great honour to fight you, Vampire Slayer," he says. "And yet I do not want to. I would rather fight by your side. Follow my lead, and do not hesitate to do what you have to do to earn your freedom." _

_I know vampires are fast, but I realize that I never knew just how fast when I see Flavius charge towards the soldiers guarding the walls. He cuts them down without hesitation. _

_He wishes to escape – and wants me to come with him. _

_I have contemplated escape before, but every time I did I realized that I am only a single warrior; I would never be able to escape alone. But here now – with a warrior of equal skill and strength by my side – I may stand a chance. I forget that he is a vampire. I desire my freedom more. _

_I take out my sword and follow him. The first soldier I meet is the one who guards me in my chambers; Servius. He has always at least tried to act friendly towards me, and I cannot bring myself to kill him. So I instead hit him with the hilt of my sword, knocking him out. _

_I am not so merciful towards the other soldiers. I kill them in my determination to escape. Flavius is the first over the wall and into the crowd, and I follow him; his ability to jump is as great as mine. I never knew just how alike vampires and Slayers are. It is almost poetic. _

_Neither I nor Flavius attack the people in the crowd. They are innocent, and while I doubt that would stop Flavius, he does not need to harm them; they flee from us. We run through the tunnels to the exit. _

_Outside more soldiers are waiting for us, but we defeat them easily enough. Only a single soldier chases us as we make our escape from the Colosseum forever. _

_I cannot help but smile as I run. I am free. And a vampire – a creature I am supposed to kill – helped me escape. _

_We run into a building we both know would be abandoned at this time of night; the local bath. The water is still and calm, and both the starlight and the moonlight reflect off of it like the water is a gateway to another world; a world that is simply the sky. A world that would be homed to the Gods, I can only imagine. _

_The lone soldier who has followed us tries to strike. By this time I am surprisingly tired, and that gives him the advantage. He knocks the sword from my hand before throwing me off balance. I fall into the water. _

_Only when I am underneath the surface do I recall that I am still wearing my armour, and it is dragging me down. I am strong, but the water is stronger and it pulls me further to the bottom, away from the air I need to survive. _

_I see Flavius dive into the water and swim down to me. He takes me into my arms, and then to my shock, he places his lips upon mine. _

_Then he breathes air into me. It is strange, because I know that vampires do not need to breath. Their lungs no longer work. Did he take in air just for me? To save me? _

_As he keeps his lips on mine, his hands get to work taking my armour off. It does not take him long, and before I know it he is pulling me up to the surface. We break through and I take in several deep breaths. Then together we swim to the edge of the bath and pull ourselves out of the water. I see the dead body of the soldier who caused me to fall in. _

"_Why did you save me?" I ask. _

"_Because you deserve to die a warrior's death," he says. "And I meant what I said before; I wish to fight by your side instead of against you. I may be one of the monsters you are supposed to slay, but I will always be a warrior. I have longed to find another warrior who is my equal in every way – and that warrior is you." _

_I am uncertain as to who makes the first move, but it is not long before our lips are once again joined. Then we are bare before one another and celebrating our victory in a way I have never experienced. _

_He changes his face so I can see the demon within him, but I am not afraid. Not even when he bites into my neck. "Mine," he says. _

"_Yours," I agree. Then he bites his lip and kisses me again, and I swallow the blood that flows into my mouth. _

_We are warriors; equals. And we shall always fight side by side. _

_Our moment of passion is shattered by the arrival of Augustus and Lucius, both of whom are disgusted by what I have done. Lucius does not hesitate to kill Flavius, and for once in my life, I cannot do a thing as my equal turns to dust. _

_I snap Lucius's neck. _

_And then Augustus kills me._

* * *

I wait as Giles fishes out the right diary from his collection. I can't look at Spike, and he can't look at me. At least we're on the same page.

"So are you a natural blonde?"

Or at least I _think_ we're on the same page. Sort of.

"Huh?"

He looks at me curiously. "In the dream. It was you, but you had dark hair instead of blonde. Same when you were a Greek bint. The hair was a little lighter when you were a Celt, but-"

"They aren't me!" I deny. "And yes, this blonde is natural. Do I even _need_ to ask if yours is?"

"Well, at least you two are back to fighting again," says Willow. "Being all awkward and quiet is kind of wiggy."

"_That's_ what you're wigged about?" asks Xander. "I'm more freaked out by the fact that they're practically _sleeping_ together! As in, _sleeping_! With a _vampire_!"

"We're _not_," I tell him. "It's not us." And yet the lingering feelings are there. It has to be the dream. Whenever I have one, I'm the Slayer in every sense of the word; I see what she sees, I think what she thinks, I feel what she feels…

And it's the same with Spike. If there's one thing these dreams have made me realize, it's that despite his soulless status, he – and the other vampires before him – can still love. I can't deny the emotions I see in the eyes of each dream vampire. Besides, if Spike can't feel anything, what was Drusilla to him?

"Ah, here we are." Giles sits down with a book in his hand. "Marcellina was a Roman Slayer in the 3rd century. She was well known for fighting and slaying vampires and demons in the Colosseum for the entertainment of others."

"Does it say how willing she was?" I ask bitterly. It makes me angry, seeing her being kept as a slave by her own Watcher. I really hate the Council right about now – well, more than I did before. "Because if it says she was willing, that's a load of crap. She was being forced to stay there and fight."

"I am beginning to distrust what these diaries state as fact," says Giles. "Things changed one day when she chased an escaped vampire – Flavius, was his name – out of the arena. She was able to kill him before she fell into a Roman bath and drowned."

"Boy, did they get their facts mixed up," I say. "She and Flavius escaped together; an 'Enemy Mine' kind of thing. A soldier chasing them pushed her into the bath and she _almost_ drowned, but Flavius saved her. He breathed air into her while he took off her armour to stop her from sinking."

"Breathed air?" Giles takes off his glasses. "Vampires cannot breathe."

Spike scoffs. "'Course we can breathe. Most of us just choose not to. How'd you think we talk? How can I smoke if I can't breathe? Think, people. Use common sense."

I nod. "Then afterwards they…um… OK, you probably know what I mean."

"The less you say about it, the better," says Xander.

"Then the same thing happened as last time; both her Watcher and a man show up, the man kills the vampire, the Slayer kills the man, and the Watcher kills the Slayer." I don't reveal that Marcellina's pain from losing Flavius is still there within me.

Giles nods. "I can see a pattern here. Is there anything else you noticed?"

"Yeah," I reply, remembering. "Xander was in it."

"I was?" He sits up.

"You were Marcellina's guard, Servius," I explain. "You also seemed to be her only friend, or at least _tried_ to be. You didn't really help her in any way; you were only nice to her."

How can someone look both happy and sad at the same time? "Points for being nice – not so good that he let her resort to a _vampire_ to help her escape." He glares at Spike.

I'm surprised by my sudden flare of anger directed at him, but I push it down again. I then see Giles looking thoughtful. "Giles?"

"I have a thought." He rises and takes out another book – one of his spell books. "I wonder if perhaps I can use a spell to persuade you both to experience the other reincarnations – if that's what these dreams are – all at once. There is a spell here which allows people to dream about what they desire to know."

Spike doesn't look so sure. "I've never been one for magic; seen it go wrong one too many times."

"Do you want these dreams to go away or not?" asks Giles.

The vampire rolls his eyes. "Fine. We'll give this bloody spell a go."

* * *

When I open my eyes, I'm sat in Psych class and Professor Walsh is talking about communication. I know this is a dream; I can't be sat in Giles's home one minute and here the next.

Which means that the spell didn't work – unless a Slayer before me went to Sunnydale University and had Professor Walsh for Psych class.

I know it's a dream when I realize that Spike is sat next to me. Willow is on my other side, and she doesn't even notice that the vampire isn't supposed to be here. She doesn't even notice _me_, for that matter.

"Well, places like this have changed since I went," says Spike.

I'm surprised. "_You_ went to university?"

"Oxford," he says. "Was dull, now that I think back on it." He then looks over at where Riley is standing in the corner of the room. "Is that the wanker you tried datin'? You could do better."

"Buffy?"

I snap back to attention and find Professor Walsh looking at me. Along with the rest of the class. "Huh?"

"Could you come up to the front, please?"

Suddenly I'm standing up and walking to the front of the class. I realize that it's the usual Slayer dream; I'm aware that it's happening, but at the same time I can't control what I'm doing. I reach the front of the class. "So…?"

"Lie on my desk, please."

I look at her like she's grown another head. "What?"

"It's just a demonstration," she assures me. "You're perfectly safe."

Once again my body takes control and I lie on the desk. I guess it's OK; no harm can come from lying on a desk, right? Then she says, "William, can you come to the front, too?"

I only realize that she means _Spike_ when he's in front of me.

"Don't quite know what I'm doin'," he admits. "Don't seem to be in control of my body at the mo."

"Same," I say. "It's a Slayer dream."

Then he leans forwards and puts his arm around me. "Oh, buggerin' hell. Can you tell your Slayer dream to quit it?"

"First it's those reincarnation dreams, and now my Slayer dreams are making me do these things with you," I say out loud. "Do the Powers That Be really hate me that much?"

Suddenly he leans in closer so that our noses are touching.

"I hate you," he says.

"Mutual," I say back.

"I'll kiss you until the sun goes down." He frowns. "Don' know why I said that."

And then he kisses me.

It feels…nice. I mean, it doesn't feel gross like I expect it to, nor does it feel hot and passionate like it did when we were under the spell. Just…nice. I keep telling myself that this is a dream, and that I can get away with doing wrong things in dreams – wrong things like pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. And kissing him long enough that when we finally stop, the room is dark and everyone's gone.

Huh. He really _did_ kiss me until the sun went down.

"Fortune favours the brave," I say for some reason. I'm not spitting out the Spike-taste in my mouth, threatening to stake him or even just hitting him. But that's because I'm not in control. Stupid dream.

That's when we hear singing.

"What the…?" Spike looks towards the door.

I get up from the desk and follow the singing. I feel Spike walking behind me. As we walk through the dark hallways the voice gets closer, and I can make out what its saying.

"Can't even shout, can't even cry. The Gentlemen are coming by…"

It sounds like a little girl. We turn the corner and discover that's exactly who the voice belongs to; a little blonde girl wearing a red dress and holding a box in her hand.

"Regular horror film, this is," Spike comments. We walk closer.

"Looking in windows, knocking on doors; they need to take seven, and they might take yours," the girl continues. "Can't call to Mom; can't say a word. You're gonna die screaming, but you won't be heard."

I feel a hand on my shoulder – but it's not Spike's. I turn to see a skeleton face staring back at me.

I wake with a jolt, and Spike does too.

"So?" Giles, Willow and Xander stare at us, waiting to see if it worked.

I shake my head. "No history lessons," I say. "But that doesn't mean we didn't dream about something interesting."


	8. Chapter Seven: Don't Say a Word

I know the dream is definitely a Slayer dream, because Professor Walsh gives the exact same talk about communication. Only this time there's no Spike sat next to me, nor do I get called up to the front for any kind of demonstration.

For the most part I keep my focus on Professor Walsh, but on occasion I look over at Riley, who is leaning against the wall with his arms across his chest. All manly and everything. And yet I don't feel any excitement for him. I've only spoken to him once since the incident at the Bronze; I apologized for leaving him there, making the excuse that I found a friend from one of my classes who was drunk and helped them home. He seemed to buy it, but then things got awkward and I haven't seen much of him since.

I don't want to address the fact that after experiencing the feelings in my dreams, Riley just doesn't compare. He's safe, he's dependable and he's normal. But maybe that's the problem; I told Willow before that maybe relationships aren't exciting and true if there's no passion or pain. If you don't fight for your relationship to work, then is it really worth it? Have you really earned it? And Riley just seems _too_ normal. He wouldn't fit into my not-so-normal life.

Of course that doesn't mean I wanna jump into a relationship with Spike. I mean, ew – even if he isn't that bad a kisser. I'll just keep looking for that Mr. Right instead of trying to find something in Riley that honestly isn't there.

When the lesson is over, Willow turns to me. "So do you think Giles has anything on that dream?"

"I don't know." I shrug as I pack up my books. "He says it sounds familiar, and I'm certain it's not something I heard in my childhood."

"And Spike says he doesn't know anything about it," says Willow. "He usually knows things about the demon world, even if he _is_ a 'bottle-face-shoving' meanie."

I hate that Willow's brought Spike up, but at least it's not about the _other_ dreams. "I don't think he was even that interested – he was more concerned about Giles's lack of Weetabix." And sprinkling Weetabix into blood for texture? So, _so_ gross.

We both rise from out seats and make our way to the door. "At least he's found a crypt for himself now, so he doesn't have to hang around with Giles anymore," says Willow. "Although he keeps pestering Giles for money. He needs a job."

"Who needs a job?"

We both look up to see Riley stood before us. I cringe; I'm hoping he isn't going to try and ask me out again, since I've come to the realization that I'm not really that interested after all. But Riley's a nice guy; he'll understand, right?

"Oh, just something in Buffy's dream," says Willow.

"Dream?" He looks interested. "I may be able to help with that."

"Probably not," I say. "It's nothing special, and I barely remember it, anyway."

I hope to walk away with Willow, but then she makes the excuse that she needs to go meet with her Wicca group, and leaves me with Riley. Yeah, I may have forgotten to tell her that Riley and I probably won't work out. I'll tell her later.

"So, how are things?"

Awkward discussion-beginning talk. Not good. "Fine."

"Is that friend of yours OK now?"

I try not to bite my lip. Does he suspect anything? Would he have asked if he didn't? I don't know. "She's fine. She was embarrassed once her hangover wore off." Then taking in a deep breath, I decide to jump right onto the elephant in the room – if that's even the right metaphor for it. Fortune favours the brave, after all. "Look, Riley…I really am sorry that I left you, and I really didn't mean to. Drunk friend, and everything. But…since then I've been thinking, and…I don't really feel any sparkage between us. I mean, you're a nice guy but I can't pretend that there's something there when there really isn't."

I can tell that he's disappointed, maybe even upset, but he doesn't push. Nice guy, and all. "Alright. I can't force you to like me. I really like you – and I'll apologize in advance if I try asking you out in the next semester – but if you don't feel anything, then that's fine."

"I'm glad you understand."

* * *

"But I thought things were going so well?"

"I can't force myself to see things that aren't there," I tell Willow as we make our way back to the dorm later that evening. "I'll just be fooling myself. It'll be nice to have a boyfriend, but I don't wanna jump right into a relationship like I did with Parker."

"But Riley's not Parker."

"I know, but it's like I said before," I explain. "Riley's…_too_ normal. Too safe. Buffy needs passion. Isn't that what love's all about?"

Willow nods in understanding, but I can tell she's disappointed. Both she and Xander wanna set me up with someone, and the more normal the guy, the better in their books – despite the fact that Willow's former boyfriend was a werewolf and Xander's dating an ex-demon. So they can date non-normal people and I can't?

But Angel wanted me to date normal…despite saying back in sophomore year that it's impossible for me because I'm the Slayer. So he was trying to get me to date him back then, and now he wants me to go after normal even though he stated before that it's impossible…

I shake my head. I still don't wanna examine what that realization could mean when it comes to my ex.

I change the subject by asking Willow about her Wicca meeting, and she tells me it's a bust. No real witches, instead only wannabes who only talk about bake sales. She mentions that a shy blonde girl seemed interested in what she was talking about when she brought the subject up, but was shot down by the other girls.

"I might try and find her," she says.

I fall asleep hoping that tomorrow will be better.

* * *

After I wake up, I go through the usual routine; go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, run a hand through my hair and all that other stuff. I pass a girl crying in the hallway, but I don't think much of it. When I enter my room again I see that Willow is awake, so I greet her 'good morning'.

Only no voice comes out.

I try again, and then I notice that Willow can't speak, either. She mouths the suggestion that we may have gone death, but I shake my head. I can still hear my footsteps, the door still made a noise when it opened and closed… We just can't speak. I go back to the door and look outside; everyone else is having the same trouble as us.

Great. Something weird is going down. Must be Tuesday.

I signal to Willow that it's happened to everyone before the phone rings. Instinctively I hurry to answer it, and only when I pick it up do I realize that it won't work. I just put it down again, silently cursing Xander for being an idiot. Of course it's Xander. Giles isn't that stupid.

Once we're dressed, Willow and I go wandering through town. Everywhere is closed except for the liquor store, which is booming with business. I poke my head in at Willy's and find that the same thing has happened to the demon population, and all are just as scared and confused as us humans. Willy signals to me that he doesn't know anything, and I believe him.

After passing a public bible reading, Willow and I notice a guy selling white boards. We decide to buy some, knowing they'll help us with communication.

When we arrive at Giles's, everyone is there. Xander and Anya, a woman who Anya claims is Giles's orgasm buddy – I think her name's Olivia, or something like that – and Spike somehow made it here, too. Even Mom and Dawn are here. Both give me hugs, while Xander just stands and awkwardly waves at us.

Giles squeezes my shoulder while I look at his desk and notice that he's been researching. He shakes his head, telling me he hasn't found anything. The dream I shared with Spike is our only source of info about what's happening, and that was already vague. I tap my finger on the notepad detailing the dream, but Giles just shrugs.

Then I see that Spike has pre-written 'I didn't do it' message on a notepad, and I just roll my eyes.

The news comes on, and it's nice to hear a human voice again. The reporter states that the normal world is blaming a Laryngitis epidemic for everyone losing their voices, along with recent flu vaccinations. Sunnydale has been quarantined, meaning no one can leave and no one can enter. That makes things easier.

Having a thought, I write on my white board and show it to Giles. On it I tell him and the others to keep researching while I patrol the town later tonight. I'm worried about what people might do in such a state of panic, and if some people continue to wander aimlessly like I saw them doing earlier, then it'll be open season for vamps.

Giles nods, before gesturing to take Spike with me. I roll my eyes, but surprisingly, Spike doesn't argue. He writes on his notepad that he wants his voice back and is willing to help out in any way he can. And I guess patrolling is better for him; probably prefers it when he's hitting things.

The most exciting thing we see later that night is a car that's been crashed into a water hydrant. There's water spraying everywhere, and there's even a guy standing under the downpour with an umbrella. I never knew being voiceless could make people do strange things.

There don't seem to be any vampires or demons about, but there're people. We see two men fighting and I go to break it up by pushing them apart. The first guy seems to listen, but the other guy doesn't; he picks up a pipe, but before he can swing it Spike tries to snatch it off him. He obviously uses too much force, because his hand shoots to his head and he spasms out. The guy goes to take a swing at him.

Instinct takes over and I grab his wrist before snapping it. He can go to the hospital and get it fixed easily enough.

But then I realize that I've just saved Spike, and he realizes that he tried to save me. We stare at each other awkwardly before Spike silently suggests that we split up. To cover more ground, most likely. I see his point – I really can't be around him after that – and we go our separate ways.

I almost bump into Riley when I turn the corner. He silently asks if I'm OK, and I nod. We just stand there for what feels like minutes before I notice that he's leaning in to kiss me. I back away a few steps, shaking my head. I know situations like this can make people start acting like rabbits, but I'm not one of those people.

He gives me a sad look before moving away.

* * *

Morning give us another clue to the puzzle. I discover that a guy in my building has been killed; his heart cut clean out of his chest. Giles reads the paper and discovers that a girl in the year above Dawn has been killed, too.

We meet in one of the university lecture rooms in order for Giles to tell us what he's found. Mom needs to check the gallery so Dawn tags along, and sits next to Spike and Anya while the three of them share popcorn. The sight couldn't be any weirder even if they were wearing cowboy hats.

Giles switches on the projector before also putting on some old fashioned music to set the mood. He puts on the first clear-sheet-thing but it's backwards and upside down. Once set right, it reads, 'Who are the Gentlemen?' The next says 'They are fairy tale monsters', and also has a little drawing of them. Giles needs to work on his art skills.

The next asks 'What do they want?' Willow raises her hand and gestures to her heart, but of course Xander thinks she means her boobs, which gets an eye roll out of everyone. The next says 'Hearts' and includes some drawings of hearts. The next says 'They come to a town' and includes a drawing of two Gentlemen entering a town, and the one after says 'They steal all the voices so no one can scream' which includes the same two Gentlemen magically taking away everyone's voices.

The next is just the word 'Then', and then he places on a drawing of a Gentleman stabbing someone in bed. I hear a gasp and turn to see Dawn hiding her face in Spike's duster. Spike looks annoyed – but not at Dawn. He points at Dawn before pointing at the projection, making it clear that Giles really shouldn't be showing that kind of thing. I agree – and I'm surprised by Spike's actions. He does look genuinely angry that Giles scared Dawn.

The next picture isn't any better – the same Gentleman standing over the body with a heart in his hand – and I join Spike in anger at Giles. He gives us both a look of apology. The next says 'They need seven, they have at least two' and includes a drawing of seven hearts. Xander then clicks for attention and writes on his notepad 'How do we kill them?' I pump my fist into my hand to demonstrate.

Everyone just looks at me.

I suddenly realize what that looks like when I see Spike covering Dawn's eyes with his hand. So I take out my stake and do the same, which clears up the confusion. 'In the tales no weapon can kill them' plus a picture of an impaled Gentleman is Giles's answer, and then he shows another which says 'But the princess screamed once…and they all died' which also includes a picture, only this one is more satisfying; it's a screaming princess and a bunch of dead Gentlemen.

Willow takes out a Halloween CD, but Giles says 'Only a real human voice' and gestures to his throat. Using my white board I ask 'How do I get my voice back?' Giles just shrugs, before stating that Spike and I will patrol. His drawings of us are…not good. I'm _way_ too fat and Spike just looks ridiculous. We both complain but Giles ignores us. He gestures to the others and then to a book in his hand, meaning that everyone else is on research duty.

With the lecture over, I go over and pick up a picture showing a Gentleman. He's creepy-looking, and I have to wonder why he and his buddies want seven hearts.


	9. Chapter Eight: Deja Vu

Spike and I leave Giles's place at sunset.

Without Spike making his usual annoying and/or crude comments, he's not that bad to have around. He fights pretty well; I don't have to watch out for him when we come across a group of vamps. Maybe his voice is all I really hate about him – apart from the fact that he's a vampire and he's killed people.

I wonder if I can somehow get the Gentlemen to keep Spike's voice so I don't have to listen to him ever again. He'll be easier to tolerate having around, at least.

As we walk up a street near my home, I notice a floating Gentleman outside of someone's house. I gesture to Spike before pointing, and we both move in closer. Just as we're behind a bush ready to strike, something else jumps out at us. It's a minion, I assume; it's wrapped up like a mummy and is hunched over like Igor, and despite its clumsy movements it's surprisingly tough.

It's also not human, as Spike can hit it pretty easily.

Another one shows up and Spike and I fight one each. I notice the Gentleman floating away in the background, and I hope he hasn't got another heart; it's bad enough that I let at least two people die last night.

I break the neck of the minion I'm fighting. I turn to Spike and find him pinning the other one down, but it throws him off before taking off at a run. Spike and I exchange looks before following. Hopefully it'll lead us to where the Gentlemen have set up shop.

We soon arrive at the public pool. The surface is still, in stark contrast to the fight that's going on by the large watch tower right next to it. I look closer and realize that someone is fighting off the minions, and then I realize that someone is one of those commando guys. Next to me Spike stops and looks wary, and I don't blame him. I gesture for him to stay put before I hurry to the guy's defence. I don't know what side he's on in the bigger picture, but right now our motives are the same.

I pull a minion off him before throwing it into the wall around the pool. I fight off a couple more who notice me, and suddenly with most of them on me, I conclude that they must see me as the bigger threat. I carry on taking them down, snapping necks and throwing them around until there's none left and I turn to the soldier.

I'm shocked to find Riley staring back at me.

We can't really say anything to each other, and even if we could we wouldn't have a chance to; another minion appears and jumps on Riley. He falls against the watch tower and knocks himself out. I pull the minion off him and snap his neck, and then taking a look at Riley, I realize that something can come along and take advantage of his unconscious state. So I drag him towards the pool-side lavatory and stuff him inside the men's while trying not to take a step inside myself.

When I turn back to Spike I see him smirking, obviously at my reluctance to enter. I just ignore him as we both make our way back to the watch tower.

We hurry up the stairs, and the first sight that greets us is a dead lifeguard, who I can tell has been dead for days. I then look over and notice a table with jars on it; seven, with five full. One heart belonged to the lifeguard, who I can only assume was killed on the same night we lost our voices. Two more from last night, and then two from tonight. I hate that more people have died.

Suddenly I'm grabbed by three minions and Spike is tossed to the side. I struggle, but the minions are strong and they bring me before a Gentleman holding a scalpel. But before he can move towards me he's tackled to the floor by a very pissed off Spike who's in full vamp face. He then pulls a minion off me, and I'm able to shake the other two. I'm too busy fighting more minions to notice the same Gentleman sneaking up on me, and before I can do anything he stabs me from behind.

And it just pisses Spike off more.

He leaps at the Gentleman again, only this time he rips off the hand holding the scalpel. Green goo pours out, which is…eww.

I try to ignore the pain as I continue fighting, but then I'm grabbed from behind by a minion, who tries chocking me. Despite this I'm able to get a closer look at the table holding the jars, and I notice something I didn't see before; a box.

Not just any box. It's the one the little girl was holding in my dream.

I hit my hand against the wall to get Spike's attention. He looks at me, and I point at the table. He follows my finger and sees the box, and even though his eyes are yellow and animalistic, I can see him connecting the dots. He grabs a plank of wood before running at the table and smashing the box.

White dots flash out of it, two of which enter our mouths. The minion lets go of me in shock and I stumble backwards towards the window. Then, when I'm certain that my voice is back, I let loose a loud scream.

The heads of the Gentlemen explode while the minions crumble into dust – but one makes a last ditch effort to stop me and throws itself in my direction. I'm not expecting it, and I fall backwards from the force.

And since the window is the only thing behind me…

I smash through it, still screaming, and the minion on top of me turns to dust. I look down in time to see that I'm gonna land in the water, moments before I hit the surface. And the teachers at my school weren't kidding when they said water feels like concrete when you hit it from a great height.

The force stuns me enough that I start to sink. I try and swim to the top, but the leather jacket – the one Angel gave to me way back – weighs me down. Added to that the wound in my back and the slight blood loss that comes with it, not to mention my bruises from the fight, and things don't look good for me.

Then suddenly someone else hits the water above me, and I see Spike swimming downwards. Only then does the déjà vu hit; this happened to Marcellina and Flavius, and here now, it's happening to me and Spike.

I don't think about the implications of that. Too busy drowning.

Just as I'm getting flashbacks to the last time I drowned Spike reaches me, and instantly his lips are on mine and he's breathing air into my bursting lungs. It's not a kiss; his lips don't move and neither do mine. But it still _feels_ like one. It's a kiss of life. The irony's not lost on me that I'm being giving the kiss of life by a member of the undead.

Spike keeps his lips on mine as he pulls the jacket off of me, and with the wet leather no longer weighing me down, he pulls me up to the surface. Our lips only part when we break through the water with a gasp.

We're silent as we swim to the side, and silent still as we pull ourselves up and sit on the pool edge. The silence continues as we stare at one another, both realizing what's just happened.

Spike saved me – in the same way Flavius saved Marcellina all those centuries ago. I don't know what to be more wigged about; the fact that the save-age was the same or the fact that Spike _saved me at all_.

Of course, it's not the first time. He saved me from that other vamp when I hurt myself. And then there were his actions in the tower; he vamped out and attacked one of the Gentlemen twice, simply because that Gentleman meant to do me harm. It's the instinct that has taken over us recently; the need to protect one another despite the fact that we hate each other.

And yet, I can't bring myself to be angry at him. I could have died tonight. Plus, I'm doing the same; it's not just him.

Every time I see him in danger all I see are the others – Brennus, Eros, Flavius – turning to dust. And even though he never witnessed the death of each Slayer – Boudicca, Psyche, Marcellina – the fact that he knows they died is enough for him to have the same instincts towards me.

"Maybe," he says, breaking the silence at last, "they're part of us. I'm not sayin' they _are_ us. Just…part of us. Would explain why we go so crazy and protective when we see each other in danger."

I see what he means. I can't deny that we hold some form of connection to the Slayers and vampires of the past. Reincarnation, them being us… I don't think I can deal with that. But them being part of us, just a little bit… I can cope a little better, and it would serve as an explanation as to what's happening to us.

"So what do we do?" I ask. "How…how can we go on hating each other when things like this keep happening?" If we didn't hate each other then maybe all this would be easier to take in; easier to accept. It can't all be that hard and maybe if we're getting along we can figure this all our sooner…

That's when it hits me.

I don't hate him anymore.

Since the dreams have been happening I've been _trying_ to hate him. _Pretending_. Forcing myself to make it easier to cope. I don't like change; if I stop hating Spike then everything else will start changing, and it's so easy to hate Spike and doing so is like a reflex.

And so I never noticed when I went from genuinely hating Spike to pretending to hate Spike.

I don't even know why. All I know is that it's not just the dreams; he's been there, helping us out with stuff. He saved me – many times now. He told me about Slayers and their death wishes, and discussed the meanings of the dreams with us. He even goes out and slays both demons and his own kind. Just for kicks, of course, but every little helps.

And somewhere along the way, I just stopped hating him.

That doesn't mean I love him. That doesn't even mean I _like_ him. But I don't hate him anymore, and I doubt I ever will again.

He looks at me and his eyes widen, and through some weird Slayer sense I never realized I had, I know he's come to the same conclusion. "Slayer…"

"I don't…" I bite my lip; thinking it in my head is totally different to admitting it aloud. "I don't…think…I hate you anymore. Actually, I'm sure. I…don't hate you."

He looks a little surprised. "Yeah…same here. Bloody hell. I keep tellin' myself that I wanna rip your throat out, but every time I imagine it, it makes me sick. What the hell have you done to me, Summers?"

"I could ask you the same thing," I say. "Stupid dreams making everything complicated where we don't hate each other. It was so much easier when we wanted to kill each other."

He nods in agreement and our eyes meet. And for a moment, everything is easy; not hating him is easy, liking him is easy, loving him… The possibilities of what could happen between us feel so much easier to handle when I look into his eyes. In them I see Brennus, Eros, Flavius… And when I see them I feel the love they held for the other Slayers, and I feel the love those Slayers had for them.

I don't realize we're leaning towards one another until our lips touch.

The kiss is soft and tender, and something I _so_ didn't expect from someone like Spike. Most of our kisses during out faux engagement were heated and fuelled by passion, but some were tender like this. During the very rare times when I'm not pretending it never happened, I wonder about the tender kisses, before writing them off as part of the spell. I can't write them off as that now, because we're not under any spell and he's kissing me so gently… 'Gentle' is a word I never thought I'd use to describe Spike, but hey, I never thought I'd be kissing him, either.

Life's full of surprises.

The rational part of my brain keeps telling me to pull away as fast as I can – I may not hate him anymore but he's still a vampire and he's still evil – but the other part of my brain keeps pushing that part down and telling it to shut up. And that's fine with me, because to be honest, Spike's actually not a bad kisser, and…

"Buffy?"

I pull away faster than I thought I could and I turn to see Riley. He's staring at me in a mixture of confusion, hurt…and anger. _Great_.

"Riley…"

Spike takes one look at him before jumping to his feet. "I'm off." He grabs his duster from where he dropped it – probably when he jumped out of the window – before taking off at a run.

I don't blame him. There could've been trouble if Riley recognized him.

Once Spike's gone, Riley turns back to me. "So that's why you don't want to date me? Because you're smacking lips with that…_punk_?"

"He saved me from drowning," I reply honestly. "I guess I just…got caught up in the moment. Riley, I wasn't lying about what I said before; I don't feel anything for you. And I don't think we really have that much in common."

"So what was that, then?" He gestures to the bottom of the watch tower, where no more than ten minutes ago he and I were fighting back to back.

I hesitate. "It's a long story. I'm cold and I'm tired, and I can't deal with this right now."

"Right. I'll see you later." And with that he storms away, not even looking back – and not even bothering to ask if I need a lift.

When I reach the street I see Spike waiting for me. He doesn't say a word; instead he wraps his duster around me, and I accept the extra protection. It's not warm, but it wouldn't be, and it gives me an extra layer. We don't say anything as we start to walk back home, but if this misadventure has taught me anything, it's that sometimes we don't need to talk.

I later go back to retrieve the jacket Angel gave to me, only to find it gone.


	10. Chapter Nine: Primrose and Leanian

Part of me is glad when I hear that Riley is gone.

Christmas vacation. Most people are gone. I'm relieved that I don't have to try explaining to him about the whole Slayer thing – not to mention the whole Spike-kissage thing – although I know I'll probably have to once he gets back.

Oh, and while I'm on the subject…

Spike-kissage.

Spike kissed me. I kissed Spike.

I haven't told anyone. Not even Willow.

I wouldn't know what to say to anyone or how to explain it, mostly because I can't even begin to explain it to myself. I don't know what compelled either of us to lean forwards and touch lips, but I'm more wigged at the fact that I'm not wigging out as much as I should. Granted, it helps that Spike is a pretty good kisser…

OK, I need to stop thinking about Spike's lips and _focus_.

It could just be what he said; that those other Slayers and vampires are part of us and their lingering emotions are drawing us together. It would make sense – and would be a better option instead of the whole 'reincarnated lovers' theory Willow had. But the fact that we _have_ lingering feelings… What does that mean for us? Are we gonna be spending the rest of our lives not-quite-hating each other while also lusting after one another?

Because I've already found out how things like that really mess up your dating life.

In order to take my mind off the issue, I decide to sit with Dawn and watch a movie, since I'm back from the dorms for the holidays, and what are the holidays without the usual family movie? I'm at first excited that she's chosen _Beauty and the Beast_ since it's one of my favourite movies, but when I realize just how similar the romance is to my own predicament, I try not to pay too close attention to it.

About half way through the movie I drift off to sleep.

* * *

_I am Primrose Keats, the Vampire Slayer. And I have traded my father's life for my own. _

_I was horrified to discover that a vampire – one who calls himself Leanian – had taken my father hostage with orders that I must come and take his place. My father, Wilheard Keats, is an innocent, honest man who has never done wrong in his life. I have not even told him of my Calling as the Slayer. He does not deserve a fate such as this. _

_But when I informed my Watcher, Earle Eastmund, he told me that I was to instead storm the home of the vampire and kill him. I was also to take Cola Holt, a local demon hunter, to help me. _

_I had heard stories of Leanian and I knew I would not stand a chance against him, even with Cola at my side. It was then that I realized that my Watcher did not care about my father or me. _

_I was able to lose Cola on the way before I arrived. I gave up my freedom so my father could be given his, and Leanian – true to his word – let my father go. I was even allowed to say one last goodbye. _

_That was three weeks ago. Since then, I have been living in Leanian's company, which is surprising in itself – that he did not kill me the moment my father was gone. _

_Instead he allowed me to wander the house, wherever I felt like going. I was even allowed to leave the house in order to patrol the local villages for vampires and demons; he even came with me a killed a couple himself. I was greatly surprised, but not as surprised to discover that Leanian does not act like a vampire should at all. _

_He is polite, he is intelligent, he is kind, and he is…gentle. I found that I enjoy talking with him and enjoy his company in general. In spending time with him, I discovered that he is much more than a demon and a monster; he is still a man beneath that. My Watcher told me that there is nothing left of the man once he is turned into a vampire, and even Leanian himself confirmed that most of the time, this is the case. _

_But he also told me that sometimes, a vampire can be made wrong. _

_With three weeks having passed us by, I finally decide to ask him the question that has been pestering me all that time: why has he not killed me? If I am the Slayer and he is a vampire, why has he not taken the advantage? _

_His answer shocks me most of all. He wanted to show me – the Slayer of his kind – that not all vampires are monsters and need to be killed. He wanted to prove that some vampires can rise above that; can change. _

_He has proven that to me – and I realize that I have fallen in love with the man he has shown himself to be. _

_We kiss for the first time, and then he shows me his room – the only room where I was not allowed to venture before – where we make love. I have never known anything like it. _

_I once never believed in Claims because I did not believe a vampire could love, but I believe it now. So when he Claims me, I accept it and drink the blood on his lip to seal the connection. _

_But everything shatters when the house is broken into. I should have known that my Watcher and Cola would come looking for me. _

_They pause in the door when they see me in bed with Leanian, the two of us embracing intimately. Cola reacts first, and I see the seething jealousy in his eyes as he launches himself at Leanian. My lover is a skilled fighter, but I am his weakness, and in his haste to protect me he takes a stake to the heart and turns to dust before my eyes. _

_I scream in agony. The weight of the lost Claim consumes me, and in my rage I take Cola's head between my hands and I twist. His neck snaps as easily as a twig. _

_Then there is an arrow in my chest, and I know it was my Watcher who fired it._

* * *

"Buffy!"

I wake with a jolt and see Dawn looking down at me with concern in her eyes.

"D-Dawn?"

"You fell asleep," she says. I look past her to see the credits of the movie rolling, the familiar song – one I really don't wanna hear right now – playing in the background. "Did you have a nightmare?"

I hesitate before I shake my head. "Just a…dream."

Her arms cross in the way which always lets me know that she's not buying my words. "Uh huh. Then why are you crying?"

Only then do I realize that my face is wet and my make-up has run from the tears streaming down my cheeks. Yeah, I've really been spilling the water works. It's no surprise, considering the dream. The pain gets worse and worse every time I see _him_ turning to dust before my eyes.

It occurs to me then that I haven't told either Mom or Dawn about my dreams. I suppose I should at least tell Mom; she's usually good at giving advice, and she may be able to help wherever she can. She and Dawn actually seem to _like_ Spike for some bizarre reason, so that helps.

But I can't tell them now. I need to get to Giles's. "I…I have to go." I jump to my feet and hurry to get my coat. "Mom, I'm going to Giles's!"

"So you're not gonna say anything?" demands Dawn.

"I will when I get back." I slam the door and begin my long walk over. I know Spike will already be on his way.

* * *

OK, the Powers That Be are just playing with me now.

Considering the film I was watching right before I had the dream, I really should've seen the similarities long before Willow notices.

"OK, so that's, what, _two_ epic romances now?" I ask.

Willow shrugs. "Well, _Beauty and the Beast_ sort of has ties to the Eros and Psyche legend," says Willow. "There was also this Scandinavian legend which was a lot like the Greek fairy tale, but it had polar bears and trolls-"

"Yes, thank you, Willow." Giles has a book open in his lap. "So you say their names were Primrose Keats and Leanian?"

I nod, and Spike just shrugs. I notice that he's been uncharacteristically quiet; he's usually spewing out insults by now.

"Primrose." Willow smirks. "That's the 'rose' part of the fairy tale, and… I'll just stop now." She must've seen my widening eyes.

"She was a Slayer in France during the late 5th century," says Giles. "It says here that she still lived with her father, who was a merchant, and also constantly hunted vampires and demons with a well-known demon hunter named Cola Holt."

"The inventor of Coca-Cola?" No one laughs at Xander's attempt at a joke.

Speaking of Primrose's father… "The father was you, Giles."

He looks up in both surprise and interest. "Really?"

I nod. "You didn't have your glasses and you didn't wear any tweed, but it was you. So are people we know gonna be popping up in these dreams? They've popped up in all of them so far."

"Not the first one, luv." I jump, surprised by Spike's voice. Ah, so the vampire _can_ speak tonight. "There was that witch, but her face doesn't ring any bells."

"Same here." I sigh.

Giles looks hesitant. "What about the Watcher and the man who always seem to be the ones who…um…?"

"Kill us?" I finish. "Their faces are still blurry. I can't make anything out."

"I still can't understand why they look like Buffy and Spike." Xander glares at Spike, but to my surprise Spike doesn't glare back; he just avoids the gaze. Now that I think about it, he's been avoiding all of our gazes since he got here.

Did…did I do something wrong? Was the kiss not OK for him? Wait, why am I worried about that?

"Spike suggested that it may be because these Slayers and vampires are part of us somehow," I say. "Or it at least may have something to do with it. I don't know."

"They may not even look like Buffy and Spike at all," Giles suggests. "That may be just what they are seeing in their dreams, which would give the theory of these Slayers and vampires being part of them some credibility."

"I still like the whole reincarnation theory," says Willow. "And being the reincarnations of people who could be fairy tale characters? It's pretty cool."

Xander barfs. "Whatever you do, don't say it's 'romantic'. It's disgusting, Buffy having to sleep with that _thing_ over and over."

His words feel like a knife in my gut, and what makes the pain worse is that back when this all started, I would've agreed with him. And then I see Spike flinch, and… Knowing just how strongly Xander feels about the matter makes me feel sick with myself. Of course it's not because I'm actually considering what it would be like with Spike…but the notion keeps creeping into my brain…

I don't realize that I've bolted until I'm out the door and sat in the courtyard.

I sit on the step and try to stop the tears from coming, but one escapes. Everything just feels so…confusing. On the one hand I'm kicking and screaming against the thought that I can feel anything more for Spike other than seething hatred, but on the other… Those hidden parts of me that must belong to the Slayers before me are screaming out for him after centuries of separation.

It's tearing me apart.

I feel a presence next to me, and I look up to see Spike. He doesn't sit down.

"Look, I know this isn't my fault as much as it isn't yours, but…for what it's worth, I'm sorry this is happenin' to you. The Whelp's right; you shouldn't have to sleep with a creature you loathe."

And then he walks away – leaving me stunned.

I don't know what to say.

He apologized for what's happening…even though it's not his fault. And then calling himself a creature and saying that I loathe him… I thought I already told him that I don't hate him anymore? Unless he just meant 'vampire' in general…but sometimes I forget that Spike is a vampire, and this is one of those times.

I think about Primrose's realization and wonder.


	11. Chapter Ten: 'Tis the Season for Change

**Chapter Notes**: Funny how I'm putting up this Christmas chapter on Christmas Eve. Didn't plan it, but it worked out well. XD

* * *

Christmas shopping is always such a drag.

I mean, on the one hand, it's shopping. Yay retail therapy. But on the other hand, not really shopping for myself. Plus, hoards of people with the same intention, and reining in my Slayer strength is twice as hard than it is on a normal day.

Going at it alone just makes it worse. No one to talk to – or complain to – and no one to give a second opinion.

Which is why I'm more pleasantly surprised than annoyed when I see a familiar head of bleach blonde hair poking up among the racks of men's clothing. It's been a week since the last dream, and I haven't seen him since then. Neither have the others for that matter; not even Mom or Dawn.

And can I just say that mothers and sisters really don't get the badness behind the whole 'sharing erotic dreams' thing?

I watch Spike. I know I should just leave him to it…but the desire to see him again, especially after his apology, overwhelms me. That desire to be close catches me off guard, and I almost run as per my typical reaction of fight or flight when it comes to confusing emotions I just don't get. But the need to approach overrides my usual instinct, and I find myself walking towards him. In my head I just tell myself that he could steal something if I'm not around to keep an eye on him.

I'm surprised that he doesn't sense me before I reach him, and he jumps when I tap him lightly on the shoulder. His wide eyes of shock make me giggle.

"Oh. It's the Slayer. For a second there I was worried."

I don't stop smiling. "I didn't think demons celebrated Christmas."

"We don't," he says. "Just came to find myself some new shirts."

"And buy it with the money you "earned" through your "job"?"

"I _have_ money." To prove it he takes out his wallet and shows me the wads of cash tucked away inside.

If I was my usual self – before these dreams started – I would've called him out on the money. I would've accused him of stealing it from his victims, or just stealing it in general. But he could've just as easily won it at poker, or something; I know he plays it down at Willy's. Accusing him of every single crime under the sun whenever I see him isn't fair, and I shouldn't do it unless I have a good reason to.

He's in the mall, actually buying clothes with hopefully honest money…and even if it wasn't honest, it wouldn't do either of us any good if we started making a scene in front of everyone. It's Christmas, after all.

I look at the shirts he's picked out. "Didn't think you wore anything other than black or red." Some are blue and some are brown, although he does have a couple of black and red ones, too. Old habits die hard, I guess.

"Thought I'd try something new," he says with a shrug.

I'm about to suggest that he go into the changing rooms to try them on, but then I remember he's a vampire and doesn't have a reflection, and I feel silly for even _almost_ suggesting it. Besides, he's been around for over a century and it's not like he's grown; he should know his size buy now.

So I follow him up to the till and wait for him to pay for the stuff. It's only after we're out of the store that he gives me a questioning look. "Why you hangin' around for, Slayer? I'm not here to cause trouble."

Somehow I know he's telling the truth, and I say, "I know." He looks surprised by my answer, and I continue quickly, "Yeah, I know. Shocker of the day. And that's not the reason. I'm just…kinda bored…and lonely."

"Oh, I see. I'm entertainment to you," he says. "Have no one else to turn to, so you latch onto the creature you loathe."

I wince, recalling his words from a week before. I know I have to make things right, else Miss Guilty Girl is gonna keep coming back. "Spike, I didn't run out because of that. Xander's words… They just got to me, OK? I'm feeling things for you, and hearing his words made me upset because I know that if something happens I might lose him as a friend, and Angel said that our love was a freak show-"

"Wait, back up, pet." His hand grips mine, since I'm doing that wavy arms thing that I do when I talk at a mile a minute. "You… You're feelin' things for me?"

I nod. "I don't know if it's because those other Slayers could be part of me, or if it _is_ that whole reincarnation thing, but they're there and it's just…confusing the hell out of me. I mean, are those feelings my own or not? And when Xander said those things… If those feelings are mine… Ugh. I don't know how to explain it. And then you came out and you were all with the apologies even though it's not your fault this is happening, and…"

Spike watches me in that way he does; like he's looking into my soul, reading and understanding all the words I can't form into sentences. "Alright, first off, any kind of love is a gift – or just feelin's as your case may be. Never ugly, and the Whelp and Peaches should be ashamed of themselves for makin' you think that. As for the confusin' feelin's in question… Trust me, luv. You're not the only one."

He looks away from me then, and suddenly his actions over the past week make so much more sense. His distance when we were discussing the latest dream, his apology, avoiding me… Taking into account the same confusing feelings I'm having for him, and it all adds up. And the avoidance thing makes sense for him, since he can't fight back and is probably worried that I'll stake him.

But I won't. It's like he said; any kind of feeling, confusing or not, is a gift. Besides, I'm feeling the same for him and that wouldn't exactly be fair if he got punished and I didn't. Not that I'm gonna punish him, or anything. Giles or Xander on the other hand…

I try not to think about the notion of Giles and Xander teaming up to stake Spike. For a moment I wonder if they're the Watcher and the man who keep showing up in the dreams, but I quickly strike the theory down; both have already shown up in other rolls. Unless it's not them at all; like Giles said, the other Slayers and vampires may not have even _looked_ like the two of us, and only do in our dreams.

I shake my head. Too many confusing thoughts.

Spike's eyebrow rises. "What's the matter?"

"Buffy think too much," I say. "Brain hurts."

He chuckles. "So, you gonna stand around thinkin' all day, or are we gonna go have a wander?"

"I need to finish my Christmas shopping," I tell him. We both start walking again as I take out my list. "I've got things for Willow, Xander, Mom and Dawn. I need to get something for Giles, and I really should get something for Anya since she's here to stay… Do you know what I could get an ex-demon?"

"Every demon is different." He shrugs. "What does she like?"

"Money and giving orgasms to Xander," I reply. "And since I vowed never to set foot in the Adult store, I'll just get her a gift card."

"You know those stores are nothin' to be ashamed of," says Spike. "If you really love someone – truly – then nothin's too dirty. No reason to feel embarrassed 'round the one you love."

I suddenly get the mental image of Spike and I playing with some _really_ inappropriate toys, and I quickly push it away before he notices my flushed cheeks. But being a vampire he can probably both hear _and_ smell the blood rushing to my face. And that just makes it all the more embarrassing.

If he notices, he doesn't say anything. Which is…actually a pretty big deal for Spike, who just _loved_ to point these things out to me before. Must've taken it up as a hobby since he can't kill people anymore.

It's all the more proof to me of how much has changed between us. I mean, Spike and I have been in each other's presence for longer than five minutes and we haven't even _started_ up our typical banter of threats we know we can't act on.

And…I don't want to banter like that with him. Not anymore. So I speak before we get the chance. "And then there's Giles. You're British; what would Giles like?"

"So I'm an expert on all things British now?"

"Yep."

"Alright, then." He thinks. "Anything about football – or soccer, as you bloody Americans call it – anything to do with tea or anything to do with London."

"Maybe I'll get him a new novelty mug," I say. "Since you ruined his 'Kiss the Librarian' mug with your blood."

"Oi. He picked the mug for me to use himself," Spike banters back. "Meanin' he either didn't like the mug, or he didn't like the person who gave it to him."

"I'm still getting him one." OK, so this kind of banter is good. We're not threatening to kill each other, or anything bad like that. It's…nice.

I spend the rest of the day with him and help him pick out gifts of his own. I'm surprised that he wants to get us all gifts, considering our treatment of him before, but I don't say this aloud else I ruin the moment.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. He's polite when he talks to the store clerks, he's always the one who gives way whenever people are trying to get by, and whenever we go into a store where it doesn't have automatic doors, he always holds it open for me. He even carries my shopping bags, which is far more than Xander ever does whenever we go to the mall.

"A hottie _and_ a sweetie," one of the store clerks whispers to me, completely missing my wide-eyed shock. "You better hold onto that one and don't let go."

God, if he wasn't a vampire, he'd _so_ make the perfect boyfriend. And…did I really just think that?

I have to keep reminding myself who and what he is; I keep telling myself that he was once a member of the Scourge of Europe, and on top of that, he made a name for himself by killing two Slayers before me. And most importantly, when we first met, he tried to kill _me_.

Yet, the more I watch him, the less that information matters. I haven't forgotten it; I still know who and what he is. It just…ceases to matter. Because I'm starting to see that despite all that, he's more than just a monster; there's a man under there, and it's starting to show. Primrose saw it centuries ago, and I'm starting to see it, too.

So when I see him show interest in a book, but puts it down again upon realizing he doesn't have enough money left, I get it for him when his back is turned.

* * *

Things are obviously tense when Spike comes over for Christmas dinner, but I try to ignore it. It's mostly just Xander, anyway, and most of the time Anya distracts him from glaring at the vampire. I don't know if she's doing it purposely, but if so, then maybe we can be friends, after all.

Mom and Dawn keep Spike occupied for the most part, which he doesn't mind. I can see that he likes their attention.

My gift isn't the only gift Spike receives; Mom and Dawn also got him one – a black t-shirt with apologies of not knowing what else to get him – and Giles was kind enough to get him a punk-rock album. He unwraps my gift to him while everyone else is distracted, and recognizing the book, his eyes meet mine.

And then he does this little smile which makes my heart beat a little faster, and I hope to god that he doesn't hear it. I'm trying not to hear it myself.

Then he gets up and gestures me to follow, and I do curiously. Then I notice the small box in his hand, and I realize that it's my present; he probably just doesn't want to give it to me in front of everyone.

We stand in the doorway separating the kitchen from the dining room, and for a moment we don't speak. Then he hesitantly gives me the box.

I open it. There's a ring inside, and I'm immediately reminded of our false engagement.

"It's not a weddin' ring," he says, reading my mind. "It's a friendship ring. The yellow rose; it means friendship."

I take it out of the box. Friendship ring or not, it's still beautiful. I realize that this is what he spent most of his money on instead of getting himself that book, and that action speaks louder than words ever could.

"It's beautiful." I slip it on my finger. Part of me isn't surprised that he somehow figured out my ring size.

"You said you don't hate me anymore," he continues. "And I don't hate you. There's these feelin's between us, and we don't have to act on them if we don't want to. But we can try for being friends, right?"

I look up at him and smile. "Yeah. I guess that's a good place to start."

How long that'll last, though… Not very long ago, we still hated each other. Then we stopped hating each other, but still didn't really like each other. And now we sort of like each other with confusing feelings thrown in. Everything's moving so fast that my brain can't keep up.

That's when we notice the mistletoe above our heads.

And that's _another_ bit of baggage to add to the pile labelled 'confusing feelings for the little-less-evil vampire'.


	12. Chapter Eleven: Alys and Brom

It's when everyone's gone and Mom and Dawn are in bed, and we're sitting out on the porch steps in the back yard, that Spike finally says something.

Anything to take our minds off the cliché kiss under the mistletoe.

"What that last vamp said in the dream," he begins. "What…Leanian said, about some vamps bein' made wrong. He's right."

"How?" I ask. "How can a vampire be made wrong?"

He sighs. "When a vampire is sired, it all depends on two factors; the strength of the person bein' sired, and their personality. If the will of the person isn't strong enough, then the demon consumes them and you get the not-so-bright fledges who throw themselves at you every night. The ones who last longer and the ones who become masters… They were able to hold onto their humanity – their consciousness – somewhat."

"Their humanity?" I ask. I don't wanna think about the implications of that. "Giles told me that when I face a vampire, I'm not looking at the person they were; rather I'm looking at the thing that killed them."

Spike resists the urge to roll his eyes. "Most of that is rot the Council cook up. With good reason, mind you. They can't have their Slayers hesitatin' when goin' up against a vamp. And like I said; most of the time the demon consumes the person and there's barely anything left."

"But other vampires?"

"The demon merges with them," he says. "Enhances who they were before. That's why Angelus was extra evil; when he was alive he was a whorin' lay-about who thought with his cock instead of his head."

I shake my head. "No. He can't be like that. He's good…"

"Alright, Slayer. It's time to learn a few life lessons." He holds up a finger. "Lesson the First: No one's perfect. When it comes to first love, you believe that the love of your life can do no wrong; a perfect saint. Truth is, Angelus was never perfect, even when he got himself that soul – a soul, mind you, that's not his own. Else he would've gone back to drinkin' and partyin' in no time at all instead of spendin' a century broodin' away in a dark corner. The only reason he decided to play hero was to get inside your pants."

"But-"

"But nothin', Slayer." He sighs. "Why d'you think he never told you 'bout his past, and why d'you think he's still keepin' it a secret? 'Cause he knows you won't like it, and he wants to stay perfect in your eyes. But I spent twenty years with the bugger; I know what he's like. And I'm tellin' you now that he hasn't changed one bit. That whole cryptic act really was just an act, Slayer, and that's Lesson the Second: Don't believe every guy who hits on you. Angel knew you'd fall for the mystery guy, and that's how he lured you in. The whole poppin' up, singin' a tune before leavin' with a swirl of his coat? He did that in the bad old days to lure in girls younger than you."

I feel disgusted and violated. I want to yell at Spike that's it not true, but… Spike has never really been one to lie. And what he's saying about Angel… My mind begins to process it all, comparing it with everything I remember about my ex, and things start to add up. It scarily makes sense, and I hate that it does.

"Thing is, Slayer, you never took the chance to find out everything about him, and in the end you got your heart broken," Spike continues. "The same happened with that Parker git, and I'll tell you this right now; I'm sorry for what I said to you that day."

I wipe away a tear that's formed in my eye. "I deserved it, because I was stupid. I just…I just want to love someone and I want them to love me back. I don't think; I just feel. And you've seen the results of my attempts, both times."

"Doesn't mean you should give up," he says. "Just means that you should take your time, is all."

"Um…weren't you making a point about something else?"

"Yeah, I was. I was just… Don't want you gettin' hurt again, yeah?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"Right then." He clears his throat. "So the demon amplifies the bad qualities of the person. But sometimes…a good person is turned. Someone who had no darkness to speak of. Their humanity never goes away, and…they feel. Don't get me wrong; even the evil vamps can feel some form of emotion, but these other vamps… They're made wrong. They let their emotions control them. They stand out from the rest. They still do bad things, but they have standards; they can control their demon, and they still feel bad about what they've done."

It clicks then that he's talking about himself. And he's right; compared to other vamps, Spike's always been unusual. After Angel broke my heart, I would keep telling myself that soulless demons can't love, but then I would remember the utter terror on Spike's face when I threatened Drusilla…his determination to get her back…and his heartbreak when she dumped him…

Why can't the world just be black and white to make things easier for me? All these shades of grey force me to ask myself questions I don't want to answer and I hate that.

But I know that's not Spike's fault, even though he's the catalyst for these questions in the first place.

"So in other words…you think you've been made wrong," I say.

He nods. "For a long time I thought it was Dru; she's insane. Maybe she didn't do it proper, you know? But then I met other vamps who are the same – not many mind you – and that made me feel a little better; knowin' there're other vamps out there like me. But we're few and far between, and we've got it worse."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"We don't fit in," he replies. "We're not proper vamps – not evil enough no matter what we do – but on the other hand we're still dead. Too much life for the undead, but too dead for the livin'. Imagine livin' in a society with two sides and bein' outcast from both of them. I was lucky; I was able to put up a front in order to look like I belonged, but…I always knew that I didn't. And this…whatever it is they shoved in my brain made it all the more obvious just how much of an outcast I am."

"You came to us," I remind him.

"I had no choice," he reminds back. "And you lot didn't exactly treat me right. I get that you had to be cautious with the whole tyin' me up thing-"

"I know," I say. He looks at me in surprise, and I honestly don't blame him. I've been thinking about my treatment of Spike, and I'm not happy with myself. Tying him up in case he was lying? Understandable. Starving him until he told us something and withholding blood whenever he pissed me off? Cruel. Granted he should have kept his mouth shut, but his words were the only tool he could use to fight back, so I can't really blame him for that, either.

He smirks. "Could you repeat that for me? I could've sworn that the Slayer admitted to bein' wrong 'bout somethin', but I might've just been hearin' things-"

And there he goes again with that mouth of his. I swat him. "Yeah, yeah, I know. The Hellmouth's frozen over. But I mean it. You came to us for help, and we treated you horribly. And I know I can't really speak for the others, but I can speak for myself; I'm sorry."

That look of surprise grows into one of shock. "You…don't have to do that, pet. I'm a creature you-"

"_Don't_ say it." I shove my hand over his mouth. What happened to the vamp who brags about everything and isn't ashamed of who and what he is? "Seriously, stop. I've already told you that I don't hate you anymore, and in there I agreed that we can give being friends a try. So stop it with the whole 'creature you loathe' thing; I know what you are, Spike, but it doesn't matter to me anymore."

And it's the truth. It's what I realized before; I still know what he is, but seeing what he's truly like underneath has made all that redundant.

He still looks surprised, and I watch as he takes my hand in his and removes it from his mouth. He doesn't let go…and I don't want him to. "Thanks. I know that I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man. And that's…"

"Spike…" For one scary moment I think we're going to kiss again, but the moment passes and we just continue to sit there, holding hands. "That…thing about being made wrong. I…I think you were made _right_."

For a moment it looks like he's going to say something; maybe something about being wrong by vampire standards, since vampires are supposed to be evil and kill things. But instead he just smiles and I know that I've made him feel at least a bit better.

* * *

_I am Alys Adel, the Vampire Slayer. And yet I do not know what that means. _

_I know that I must slay vampires and demons, and protect the world from evil. I know that I must do this alone with no one but my Watcher, Hermias Ford, to guide me. But is that really all? _

_Sometimes I find myself watching the other girls my age around the town, and I wonder what life is like for them. And then I wonder if it's possible for my life to be like that, too. Am I really no one other than the Slayer? Must I always be alone? I have tried many times to talk to people, but the only one who seems interested is a knight named Petrus Cornewall, and he is far too full of himself to be considered a friend. _

_I have never disobeyed orders from my Watcher, but when he sends me on a mission I believe is of no importance to my duty as the Slayer, I ignore the mission and instead visit a witch I have heard rumours of from demons I deemed harmless. Her name is Evantia, and I believe that she can help. _

_When I see her, I realize that she is almost as young as me. But age does not mean a thing in the world of the supernatural, something I have learnt during my time as the Slayer. _

"_Why have you come to me, Chosen One?" asks Evantia. "What answers do you seek?" _

"_I wish to know what it means to be the Slayer," I say. "I know that it is my duty to slay vampires and demons alike, but is that it? Is there not more to my life than just that? I feel that if I continue on as I am, I will surely die soon." _

_She nods. "You are right on that count, but I do not hold the answers you seek. Go into the wilderness west of here, and your guide will appear to you in a form you will know by instinct. Follow your guide until you reach the tree that has lived for a thousand years. You will know it by its size. There you will find a vampire who has existed for a century. He holds the answers you seek." _

_I am unsure what to say. "A vampire? But that is the very creature I am supposed to kill. Will he not kill me?" _

"_Not all demons are born of chaos, and he is one of them," says Evantia. "He will not harm you. Go." _

_And now I am unsure what to do. Should I follow the witch's directions and seek out the vampire, therefore ignoring everything my Watcher has taught me? Or do I ignore the witch, go back to my Watcher and live the rest of my short life without the answers I seek? _

_I decide to go and seek out the vampire. After all, I am the Slayer, and if he does try and kill me I can always kill him. There is no harm in the journey of discovery. _

_I journey west into the wilderness, and just like Evantia said, I find my guide. A wildcat. She waits for me to follow before she leads me further west, and it is nightfall when we reach the tree. It is huge. I know it has lived for a thousand years. My guide jumps up into the branches and vanishes from sight. _

_Then the vampire appears. _

"_Slayer." I expect him to look old, but he does not. He looks young; older than me, but still young. "Why do you come here? I have no quarrel with your kind." _

"_I was sent here by the witch, Evantia," I say. "She told me that you hold the answers I seek." _

"_If you ask the right questions, then I shall give you the right answers," he says. He climbs into the tree to sit on a large branch, and I climb up after him. _

_I hesitate before I sit next to him. "Is my life nothing but being the Slayer? Is there not more to it?" _

_He chuckles. "You are a spirited Slayer. I like that." He looks away and towards the dark horizon. "My name is Brom, and I have seen many a Slayer in my time, none quite like you. They have never asked such questions as this. You are right in your thirst for more knowledge about your Calling, and you are right to question your life. There is more to it than just being the Slayer. Tell me, Slayer; what is your name and what were you before you were called?" _

"_I am Alys Adel," I say. "And I was a merchant's daughter." _

"_Simpler than that," he says. _

_I think, and then I remember watching the other girls in the town, and I reply, "A girl." _

_He nods. "Just because you became a Slayer does not mean you have to stop being a girl. You are both the Slayer and the girl you were before, and you need to hold onto that girl else you lose your way and die before your time." _

"_What do you mean?" I ask. _

"_If you become the Slayer – just the Slayer – then you lose your humanity," he says. "If you isolate yourself like your Watcher has no doubt told you, then you will become like the vampires and demons you have sworn to hunt down and kill. You will lose your way, and eventually you will wish for it all to end and then you will die. But there is hope for you, because you possess the capability for something most demons do not." _

"_And what is that?" _

"_Love." _

_I am not sure what possess me to make the decision, but instead of going back to the town I choose to stay with Brom. He is a capable fighter, and we hunt together. He does not mind; he tells me that he enjoys the company, in fact, for he has felt lonely ever since the death of his sire. _

_Our first kiss is an accident. A vampire is upon him, pinning him down, and I leap upon the hostile and press a stake into his heart. The vampire and the stake turns to dust, and I land upon Brom and our lips meet. _

_But after that, we cannot stop kissing each other. _

"_I think I have found the love I need," I confess to him one night. _

_He smiles at me and we kiss again, but this time we go further. We kiss each other everywhere, and as he makes love to me I have the sudden wish for him to bite me. It almost feels familiar, but that cannot be and I push the feeling down – even though that feeling comes with a warning. I am in too much bliss to care. _

_I tell Brom about my desire for him to bite me, and he tells me about the vampire Claim. I ask for him to Claim me, and he does. He bites me and drinks my blood, before I drink his; it tastes like the sweetest wine. _

_If we had been in the tree, we may have escaped them. I should have known my Watcher would come looking for me, but I am surprised when I see that he has brought Petrus with him. _

_Petrus is the one who acts first; he pulls out a stake and tries to kill Brom. I leap upon the knight to pull him away, and then everything happens so fast that I do not feel any physical pain – but I feel the sudden emptiness of the Claim when Brom turns to dust by Petrus's hands. _

_Not a second later I snap the knight's neck. And not a second after that my Watcher kills me._

* * *

It doesn't register that I fell asleep outside on the porch. I don't feel my stiff neck, or the chill from the morning air. I don't even remember that the slowly-rising sun is harmful to the vampire I've been using as a pillow.

All I know is that he's here, and that he's not dust. I let him hold me as I bury my face into his chest and cry.


	13. Chapter Twelve: Restless

I need to be close to Spike, and I don't care that I'm sat next to him showing a visible urge to hold his hand in front of my friends. Or just Xander, Anya and Giles. Willow has yet to arrive with someone from her Wicca group; a new friend.

I watch Giles take out a book in order to look up the Slayer's name. I notice that he keeps looking back at me, his eyes narrowed, and I have to wonder if he can see the change between me and Spike.

The change from mortal enemies who hate each other's' guts to friends with very confusing feelings for one another.

"Do you think we should wait for Willow?" asks Xander. I see him glaring at how close I'm sat next to Spike, and I try to both ignore him and forget the words he said to me last time.

I shrug. "I'm sure she won't mind either way. And I need to tell her that she made an appearance this time."

"She did?" Giles looks at me curiously.

I nod. "She was this witch the Slayer went to for advice. Her name was…Evantia, I think."

"Evantia…" Giles looks in his book again. "Her name sounds familiar…"

"She was a pretty powerful witch during Medieval England," says Anya. "She started out as a white witch, but then she turned dark and it took an entire coven to take her down."

"But she seemed so nice in the dream." I can't imagine my best friend – or a girl who _looks_ like my best friend – turning evil.

"There have been many stories about how she turned dark in the first place," Anya continues. "Some say it was the death of her lover. Others say see saw true evil in the world and decided that the world didn't deserve to exist anymore."

I recall the witch's smile when she told the Slayer to seek out the vampire, and I wonder… "Maybe it was our deaths – the deaths of the Slayer and the vampire, I mean. She was the one who told Alys to find Brom. Talk about a glorified match-maker."

"Can we not talk about that, please?" I flinch at Xander's words, and I have to wonder how he can't see how much his words hurt me.

"Ah, here we are." I turn my attention to Giles. "Alys Adel was a Slayer in the 7th century, active in the year…666. The year that holds the record for the most attempts to end the world. Can't imagine why." He rolls his eyes.

"That was the year Evantia tried to end the world herself," says Anya. "So maybe it _was_ because of their deaths."

Giles reads further. "Yes, it does mention that Alys sought out advice from Evantia…which her Watcher claims to be the start of her corruption. He says that Alys turned against her duty and started killing humans alongside Brom."

Alright, it's official. I hate the Watchers Council. Like, _really_ hate them. "Professor Fine from World History was right; it's not about facts but the context and who's telling the story." The winners always get to tell the story. It makes me wonder if other parts of history have been fabricated to make the winners look good and the losers look bad.

Anya speaks up, "The Watchers Council have always been controlling. From what I've seen of them, anyway. They always make themselves out to be this great force for good who have the world's best interests at heart, but that Cruciamentum test proves otherwise."

I see Giles look away.

Spike scoffs. "Too right, it does."

"What are you talking about?" I ask. "Yeah, the test is cruel-"

"It's not even a soddin' _test_," says Spike. "See, the Council of Wankers know – and I'm sure Rupes can back me up on this – that the older the Slayer gets, the more likely she is to question her Callin', like Alys was doin' in the dream. So the Council keeps them isolated, knowin' tha' the loneliness will eventually kill 'em. But when a Slayer reaches her eighteenth, the Council deems them too old so makes them weak and puts them in a situation where there's no chance of them comin' out _alive_."

"And if they _do_ survive," continues Anya, "they'll be so broken and tormented that not only will they never question the grey areas of the demon world, they won't last much longer afterwards. They'll just want it to end."

"'S why I never accepted to be the opponent, whenever the Council asked," says Spike. "'S not fair. A Slayer deserves to go out fightin' at full strength, not weak and helpless like an ordinary human."

I bring myself to look at Giles again. He still has that guilty look in his eyes, but he's more shocked by Spike and Anya's words. "That…makes a great deal amount of sense. I never even considered the possibility of so called "test" being used to dispose of Slayers deemed too old."

"What that Brom fellow said is true," says Spike. "The longer a Slayer fights alone, the more she'll lose her humanity and become like the very things she's s'posed to kill. Mentioned that before, didn't I? The love for your family and friends is what's keepin' you here. It's what you need to survive, and it's why you've lasted this long."

"Then why do I still feel so…conflicted about it?" I ask.

"That's 'cause the two sides of you are still fightin' it out," he tells me. "You wish to be a normal girl and have a normal life, while at the same time you get that you're the Slayer and tha' you have to fight evil; tha' you've got no bloody choice in the matter. You need to accept that you're both; girl and Slayer. You need to find a perfect balance in your life, and when you do you'll be the longest livin' Slayer in history."

He sounds like…Brom. Like the past vampire is _him_ instead of just part of him. Which means…

Before I finish my thought the door opens and Willow hurries inside. "Sorry I'm late. Tara and I got caught up with a spell."

"Tara?" asks Xander.

"The girl I told you about, from my Wicca group," says Willow. "I told her about what's going on, and I think she can help."

"How can she help?" I turn to see the girl Willow has brought.

And I don't need Willow to answer my question.

It's _her_; Feidlimid, the witch from the first dream. Tara looks a little different compared to her – the modern clothes obviously, and she's not as skinny – but it's still her. I stand up, and Spike stands up beside me, having recognized Tara as well.

Tara looks at us both shyly, but I can see the recognition in her eyes, too. She knows who we are. "It…it is…you. I've…s-seen you two…b-before in…in another l-life."

"Another life?" I ask. But I already know the answer.

"Turns out my reincarnation theory was right," says Willow. "When I told Tara about what was going on, she remembered the two of you almost instantly."

"I-I can r-recall…all of my p-past…lives," she says. "T-that l-life…I recall the…m-most vividly. I s-sent you two on y-your path…and I h-have b-been…t-trying to find you ever…ever since. And now I have."

Giles politely rises from his seat so Tara can sit down. "This is wonderful. You can answer all our questions; we have been trying to make sense of these dreams for weeks, and we haven't made much progress."

"I'll h-help in…anyway I c-can." Tara takes a seat and keeps her gaze mostly averted to her feet. Definitely the shy type.

Willow takes a seat next to me, and remembering the most recent dream, I turn to her. "You were in this one. You were a witch who helped guide me to the vampire." I can't bring myself to name the witch or tell her about the witch's 'turn to the dark side'. The thought of someone like Willow turning dark… It gives me chills.

She smiles. "Really? Was I any good?"

"I didn't see you for very long, but you gave me pretty good advice," I say with a shrug.

"Getting back to the matter at hand," Giles turns to Tara, "are you saying that Buffy and Spike have reincarnated many times over?"

"T-twelve t-times…before. Th-this is their…th-thirteenth t-time," says Tara. "E-even if I hadn't…m-met them b-before…I'd be able to t-tell. I read auras. I can t-tell by an aura if s-someone has r-reincarnated and…h-how many t-times."

"Twelve and thirteen…" I recall what she said back in the first dream. "You said something about that before."

She nods. "Y-you are…no ordinary S-Slayer. Y-you love…with all your h-heart; it…s-shines…brighter than the s-sun. Your…Gift is different to other S-Slayers; it h-has…b-been two thousand y-years. Twelve t-times you…m-met the Gift of the S-Slayer…and twelve t-times you re-returned. This t-time – the thirteenth t-try – is the h-hardest, in-in a t-time…when one has become…t-two."

"And there are currently two Slayers," says Giles.

"And this time being the hardest could mean it's harder for you two, what with you guys hating each other," says Willow.

Tara looks puzzled. "Y-you're n-not…together?"

Spike and I exchange awkward glances. "It's…complicated," I admit.

"_Complicated?!_" And here comes Xander's words… "There shouldn't be _anything_!"

"Xander, do shut up." Thanks, Giles.

Tara continues to look puzzled while looking between us. "Y-you should b-be together. The d-dreams would only have been…t-triggered by your l-love."

"The spell," Willow realizes. "Where you two fell in love and planned on getting married. That's probably what triggered the dreams. The first one happened the night after, didn't it?"

I nod. That would make sense.

"The d-dreams are…w-warning you so you don't f-fail this time," Tara explains. "Th-this is your l-last try to get things r-right."

"And what happens if we don't?" I ask.

She looks away. "I-If you d-die this time…then you…you will be s-separated for all eternity."

There's silence – a silence that is unsurprisingly interrupted by Xander. "What's so bad about that?"

I ignore him. All I can think about is the thought of being separated from Spike for eternity… It hurts so much, and I grip his hand tightly. He grips tightly back.


	14. Chapter Thirteen: A Slayer's Quest

I can admit one thing, at least. Maybe not out loud, but I can admit it to myself, and for now that's all that matters.

I'm terrified of losing Spike.

How it got to this stage – going from confused friends to being scared to lose him – isn't as confusing as it was before. Everything's moving so fast, and now that I think about it, my feelings aren't really developing. They're…awakening.

Like they were always there, deep down, but asleep. If I'm honest with myself, I'm not surprised. When I saw Spike for the first time over two years ago, my first thought was 'damn, he's hot'. And then he had to ruin it by threatening to kill me, and my quick little fantasy about him went up in flames.

The reincarnation thing makes sense. _So_ much sense that it's scary. Because even though I've mostly forgotten my past lives apart from what I saw in the dreams, the feelings are still there. And they really are waking up after centuries of hibernation.

It makes me realize that falling in love with him is inevitable. It'll happen, no matter how long I stay swimming in that river in Egypt, and that not only scares me but it excites me, too. And that just scares me more.

And when I do – because it's really a matter of _when_ instead of a matter of _if_ – I don't know how I'll be able to handle it. But this reincarnation thing makes me feel better; because then the love already existed and it's not really my fault, but then again those other Slayers before _were_ me so it's still me meaning that it's still my fault, and does that mean there's something wrong with me if I can love a soulless vampire even if he really isn't that bad to begin with…

OK. Breathe. Calm down. It hasn't happened yet.

Yet.

Where does this love even come from? And is it connected to what I learnt before, about love being the thing that keeps me alive? I'm still struggling, even with that knowledge, so there must be something I'm missing. I think back to Spike's words about balance between being a Slayer and being a girl. How do I find that balance?

I talk to Giles about it. He said that he'd help me figure this Slayer thing out, and this counts as a Slayer thing.

He looks thoughtful for a moment before he turns back to me. "There is something…in the Watchers diaries…"

"Yeah, and they've been _real_ helpful with the dreams."

"I know this to be true," he insists. "It has been spoken about and practised. A quest."

"A quest?" I ask. "Like…finding a grail, or something?"

"Not a grail," he says. "Maybe answers. It would take a day, perhaps two. Some Slayers before you found it helpful in…regaining their focus. There are many sacred places around the world for them, and one such place happens to be right here in the desert. It's…it's not far."

I remember the latest dream and the quest Alys undertook. It led her to Brom, and while they didn't get their happily ever after, she _did_ find her answers. I nod. "Alright. Helps that classes haven't started back up yet."

* * *

Spike offers to patrol while I'm gone, which I'm grateful for. I'm not worried that he'll get re-captured by the commandos, since they're all still on vacation. I really don't know what I'm gonna do about them – do about Riley – when they return.

It's one of the many things to think about, but now's not the time.

The car journey is quiet, and it helps me think about what I need to discover. But thinking about it more just confuses me; I don't really know what I need to find out. Hopefully it'll be one of those quests where you discover more about yourself than you were really asking for; gain answers to the questions you didn't know you were asking.

Or it'll just be a bust and I'll be back to square one.

We finally arrive in the desert and we get out. Giles opens the trunk and I ask, "What's in the trunk?"

"Supplies."

"Supplies?" I thought it'll only take a day or two? But even then I'll need the basics. "Like food? Water? Maybe a compass?"

"How about a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs?"

Oh. "I don't think I'll be that hungry, anyway." Why are these things always so mystical? Did the Boy Scouts not exist when these rituals and quests were written?

"They're for me," he tells me, as if I hadn't already figured that out. "Come on, this way." I follow him as he leads me away from the car and into the hills. Then he stops, looking at the ground.

"So this is the sacred place?" I ask. It doesn't look all that sacred and special.

"No. You see, the location of the sacred place is a guarded secret," he explains. "I can't take you there myself. I'll have to perform a ritual to transfer my guardianship of you, temporarily, to a guide."

I'm starting to think that what he read in the Watchers diaries is just like everything else we've read: bullshit. "A guide, but no food or water? So…it leads me to the sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?"

"Buffy, please. It takes more than a week to bleach bones."

Comforting. "So how's it start?"

Now he looks embarrassed. "I, uh… I jump out of the circle and then jump back in it, and then…um…I shake my gourd."

OK, the Watchers Council have redeemed themselves a little with this bit of self-embarrassment. "I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around."

"Go quest." Giles sits down and shakes the gourd, but nothing happens.

I grin. It feels good to pull a smile of any kind, especially with what's been happening over the past few weeks. "And that's what it's all about."

He silently shoos me away, and I leave with a roll of my eyes.

I wander, not really sure where I'm supposed to be going. The least he could've done is given me a compass, but no; that's not in the sacred rules, or whatever. At least Alys was told to go in a certain direction. And she had a guide.

I'm supposed to have one too, according to Giles. Is mine gonna be an animal?

I get my answer when I hear a low purr, and I turn to look up at the rocks above me. It's a mountain lion, or cougar, or whatever they're called. It sits there watching me patiently.

"Hello, kitty." Great, and the award for the lamest line in the face of a dangerous predator goes to…

It tilts its head to the side before standing and jumping down in front of me. It begins to walk away before turning back towards me, giving me a silent message to follow. So this is my guide. I follow.

We wander through the desert, and I know it's been hours since I left Giles. Now I know why I don't need food, or water. Because I'm not getting hungry or thirsty out here, for some reason. I don't even have the urge to go pee. Maybe there's magic that prevents my basic human needs from distracting me during my quest?

As the sun dips lower in the sky, we arrive at a place where two rocks rise up either side of us, and somehow, I feel that I should know this place. The "sacred magic" of it gets to me somehow, and I don't even notice when my guide leaves me alone.

With nothing else to do, I find a rock and I sit on it.

I wait.

I look up into the sky and see both the sun setting and the moon rising. Both with jobs to do, both separate, and yet, both working in tandem.

By day I'm a girl. By night I'm the Slayer. But sometimes I have to be the Slayer during the day, and sometimes I get to be just a girl at night. The sun and the moon make it look so easy. Maybe if I had someone who understands both…sun and moon…day and night…light and dark…life and death…

I close my eyes for only a moment. But when I open them, it's night and there's a fire before me.

And on the other side of that fire is a figure, hiding itself – _herself_.

Her skin is dark, and her body is covered in tribal paint. Her hair is in dreads, and in her right hand she carries a stick. Wait, not a stick. A stake.

She's a Slayer.

And judging by how she looks…she's a very old Slayer.

"Who are you?" I ask.

Her mouth doesn't move, but I hear her speak. "_I am Sineya, the First of the Ones._"

The First Slayer. Wow.

I examine her and see that she almost appears demon-like. Is this what all Slayers become overtime? A mirror image of the creatures they're supposed to hunt and kill? What is a Slayer's life if they only become creatures of the dark themselves?

"I…I come with questions," I say. "About… I'm not really sure. I was told that a Slayer must be alone, but if they remain alone then they die young. They don't learn anything. I've lived this long because I love. Is love the key to the balance I need to bring into my life?"

She watches me before she talks again, and her lips still don't move. "_You are a Slayer. A Slayer lives in the action of death, the blood cry, and the penetrating wound. You are destruction. Absolute… Alone._"

"Only if I want to _die_. Didn't I already tell you that?" I say.

"_You love. You give. You forgive. That is not the way of the Slayer._"

"It's what humans do, and I'm still human," I tell her. "Having a normal life has kept me alive so far, but I need more than that. I need balance. Tara told me that my Gift is different than the Slayer's usual Gift."

"_Death is your Gift._"

I shake my head. "No, it's not. I'm not going suicidal just because I can't cope with my life. Is balance my true Gift? Is love?"

"_You are a persistent one, Child. Love will lead you to your Gift._"

Love…will lead me to my… Thinking about love makes me think about Spike, and what his ancestor told Alys all those centuries ago…

Then it hits me.

Spike is my Gift.

He is the balance. I am the day while he is the night. The sun and the moon. Light and dark. Life and death. He knows what death is, and yet he still goes on living – sort of. He understands that it's not all about killing. He kills in the night and lives in the day, just like me.

He understands me. And if I accept his love – _when_ I accept it, because I know it's inevitable – I know in my heart that there will be nothing but balance. By night he will be my partner in slaying, while by day he'll be my…

OK, I'm _so_ not ready for that word.

"Well, looks like this quest wasn't a bust, after all," I say aloud.

"_You can still come back to us,_" says the First Slayer. "_You can still join your brethren where you belong. A Slayer does not belong next to the very thing she is supposed to slay._"

"But in isolating yourself, you've _become_ the thing you're supposed to slay," I tell her. "Didn't you ever wonder if there was a higher purpose to your calling than just this? Kill, kill, kill? Seems I'm figuring it out, and I'm getting the reward. Hopefully I won't be the last."

The fire suddenly goes out, and I'm left in the dark.


	15. Chapter Fourteen: Sigyn and Loki

Silently admitting to myself that my relationship with Spike is inevitable and actually _acting_ on this are both two entirely different things. All I tell Giles is the whole 'love will lead me to my Gift' thing, and when he enquires about the Gift, I only say that it's 'balance'.

I tell Spike about the epiphany. He agrees with my reasoning, but he mostly remains silent and closed off. I've noticed that he's becoming more and more like this as time goes on. I get it; he's a vampire who's supposed to be evil, and all these dreams are throwing him through a loop.

They're doing the same for me, too.

So we keep our distances for the most part. We meet up on patrol, but not for long; usually in Restfield – where Spike has made himself at home in a crypt – and we do a quick sweep before going our separate ways. It's for the best, really. We both have space to think about what's happening to us and what our relationship will inevitably become. We're two people who used to hate each other, only to find out that in past lives, we were head-over-heels in love with one another.

It takes time to come to terms with something like that. It doesn't stop me from worrying that something will happen to him, and likewise I know he's worrying about me, too.

The holidays end, and everyone arrives back at the university, including the commandos. I spot Riley walking into Lowell house, and I'm reminded of what happened before everyone left. I know he'll want an explanation. Not for the kiss-age so much; just for the fighty bits, and likewise he'll probably want to give an explanation to me.

It's my first night back in the dorm when I have another dream.

* * *

_I am Sigyn Fellsdottir, the Vampire Slayer. And I am on the hunt for a vampire who lies. _

_Vampires are evil, so they must lie as a way of life. But Loki, the vampire I hunt, is the greatest liar of all. I have heard many tales of his conquests from my Watcher, Birger Jarlson. _

_He once entered a village and convinced the people there that he was a sorcerer of immense power, convincing them that he had once given birth to a wolf, and serpent and a horse. They were impressed and invited him into their homes, allowing him to kill them in their sleep. _

_He once promised a Lord that he will bring him a princess, but instead brought him another vampire in disguise, and with their invite they laid waste to the Lord's entire family. And that is not even the most terrible of tales; there are some which are far more gruesome, ones which not even my Watcher will tell me. _

_I know that I must kill this vampire at all costs – even if it means going against my Watcher's wishes that I not confront him. _

_I am able to count upon my friend, Ida Leifsdottir, to distract my Watcher so he does not wonder where I have gone. Not very long ago I would have asked no such thing of her; when I first met Ida I detested her as she did me, but then I saved her from becoming the meal of a vampire, and she has been my friend ever since. _

_I also tell Calder Garthson, another friend of mine, and he wishes to come with me. I tell him that he cannot; that Loki is a dangerous vampire and that he will be killed if he came along. I cannot perform my duty if I have to watch out for others during battle. And I do not trust Calder; he has not been entirely honest with me about his life, despite the fact that I have been honest about mine. _

_I set out through the mountains where Loki was last seen, and I climb higher and higher in order to search the caves. I search thirty-four caves, and when I reach my thirty-fifth, I hear the pained cries of a man. I approach cautiously to investigate, and I gasp at the sight I see. _

_A naked man is chained to the rocks, blood smeared and running from the wounds he has brought upon himself by struggling. Above him I see a sleeping serpent demon, and from its protruding fangs venom drips down; this venom lands in the man's eyes, and he cries out in agony every single time. _

_The sensation at the back of my neck tells me that this man is a vampire, and it does not take me long to figure out that this vampire is Loki. _

_The determination to kill him weakens, because vampire or not, no creature deserves to be put through such pain as this. Why make him suffer in such a way instead of sending him to Hel where he can no longer hurt anyone ever again? It confuses me that anyone can be this cruel, and I contemplate killing him just to put him out of his misery. _

_I move closer and he finally sees me. "Slayer." _

"_Vampire," I say. The grip on my stake tightens. _

_He sees it. "Come to finish the job? About time." _

_I go to stake him, but… My curiosity gets to me. "Who did this to you? Why?" _

_He chuckles. "If you know who I am, then you know I will only lie to you." _

"_Do you have a reason to lie?" I find myself asking. _

_He looks at me, swollen eyes narrowed, but not in anger; he is just as curious as I am, I figure. I doubt he has met many Slayers who do not stake first and ask questions later. And I know he has met Slayers; my Watcher told me all about that. _

"_No," he says finally. "I suppose there is no reason." _

_So he tells me. He lied to a sorcerer and was discovered, and the sorcerer in question was not pleased when the truth was revealed. This would be Loki's punishment; chained to a rock for centuries with the venom of a demon serpent dripping into his eyes. _

_When he cries out a second time, I hurry to find something that can help. I come across a stone which is curved into the form of a bowl, and I use it to catch the dripping venom. All I have to do is hurry to dispose of the venom whenever the stone-bowl is full. _

_As I do this, Loki tells me everything; who he was before he was turned, and how he always felt different compared to other vampires. He tells me that he started lying in order to hide who he truly is, because he claims that if he is honest, he fears that no one will like him. In lying about himself, he does not feel left out from his own kind. _

_We converse for days. He shows me his true self while he talks to me. And…I like it. He has the potential to be a good man, and it's a potential I want to hang onto. His honesty with me is what convinces me to do the same. I tell him about my life as the Slayer, and I find myself opening up more than I have ever done before. I tell him things I have never told to Calder or my Watcher, or even to Ida; like how lonely I feel being the Slayer, how sometimes I want to die in order to end the constant fighting, and how I secretly want to find someone to love and for that someone to love me in return. _

"_I could," he tells me. I am taken off guard by his words. "You are the first person I have ever been truly honest with, and you did not hate me for it; instead you were honest with me, too. I will never find another person like you." _

"_I will never find another person like you," I say back. My Watcher's words about vampires being incapable of love fade from my mind; I can see the emotion in Loki's eyes. _

_With a silent agreement I drop the bowl and attack the chains. His vampire strength couldn't break them, but combined with my Slayer strength, they snap. The serpent demon awakens and hisses at us, but together we are able to kill it, and it collapses before us into a pool mixed with its blood and its venom. _

_Loki leads me into another cave, for the sun is rising and we cannot leave yet. I am uncertain what leads to it, but before I know it we are kissing and he is loving me like no one has loved me before. _

_I am uncertain when he shifts into his demon face. "I will not hurt you," he tells me, and I know that he is not lying. He can never lie to me, and he never will. He bites my neck and it does not hurt. "Mine," he says. _

"_Yours," I say. He pulls away and bites his lip, drawing blood, before he kisses me again. His blood fills my mouth and I swallow, and the connection that forms fills me with utter joy. It also feels familiar as well, but I am in too much bliss to wonder why. _

_Paradise is shattered by the arrival of Calder and my Watcher. I have no time to fear for what might have become of Ida; Calder strikes out at Loki, and since he is weak from his imprisonment and the battle against the demon, he is unable to fight back. He turns to dust, and I am filled with overwhelming pain from the loss of the connection. _

_Calder does not have the time to look shocked when I snap his neck. And neither do I when my Watcher kills me._

* * *

"The Loki and Sigyn myth!"

OK, seriously? I sigh as my head falls into my hands, and I feel a hand on my back. Spike's. I want him to start rubbing in order to soothe me, but just putting his hand on me is pushing it enough. I don't have to look up to know that Xander is sending Spike the glare of all death glares.

I turn back to Anya. "What myth is that?"

"A Norwegian myth; it originated before my time," she explains. "You've all heard of Norse mythology, right? Thor, Odin…"

"In comics," says Xander. He glares at Spike. "Loki was a villain."

"He sort of was in mythology, too, but things were a little more grey," says Anya. "You see, humans thought all these people to be Gods, but they were really various demons. Loki was a vampire, and his joining with a Slayer named Sigyn was considered to be a folk tale among the Scandinavian demons. No one believed that it was true – but here's the proof."

Giles takes off his glasses thoughtfully. "So you're saying that Buffy and Spike – or rather Sigyn and Loki – became well known?"

Anya nods. "Oh yes. In Norse Mythology Sigyn was considered to be Loki's wife, and sat with him when he was wrongfully punished by being chained to a rock while a serpent dripped venom into his eyes. Sigyn remained with him in order to catch the venom. Of course, the escape is different; in the myths Loki's escape brought about Ragnarok, the mythological end of days."

"Maybe not," I speak up. "Sigyn… When Loki was killed, it felt like the end of the world for her."

Willow – who has been sitting quietly with Tara – speaks up then. "But what's with all the honesty between them? I don't get that."

"Loki was hidin' part of 'imself," says Spike. "Didn't want the other demons laughin' and callin' him names."

"And Sigyn was hiding part of herself, too," I say. "She was the Slayer; she had to be someone other than herself almost all the time, apart from around her friend… Hey, Cordy was in the dream!"

"Cordy?" Xander's eyes widen. "What was _she_ doing in your dream?"

"She was a friend of the Slayer," I say. "She and Sigyn started out hating each other until Sigyn saved her from a vampire… And that's kind of like our relationship now; hating each other's guts before becoming friends of sorts. Kind of freaky."

"Not as freaky as you and Spike sleeping together," says Xander.

I flinch, and then Spike _growls_. Xander jumps instinctively, but before he can say anything Giles suddenly slams a book shut. I didn't know he'd even opened one up.

"Giles?" I ask.

"Those men are…" He sighs with frustration. "Like with Psyche, there is no mention of Sigyn or even Loki anywhere in the Watchers diaries."

"So if they're well-known names, the Watchers pretend they don't exist. But if not, they just lie?" I ask.

Giles nods. "Pillocks."

"And they called Loki a liar," says Spike.

* * *

Being in a relationship where I don't have to lie about myself… It's a good incentive. It pretty much stops me from having a relationship with a normal guy, but I've already realized that wouldn't be good for me, anyway.

Not holding back on anything… Isn't that what all relationships should be about? Knowing everything about a person and loving them both because and regardless of it?

I tell this to Spike. "There were some things I couldn't even tell Angel. Private things… And he wasn't really forthcoming with the details about his life, which pretty much ruined the relationship even though I refused to see it."

"Knew you wouldn't like his past," Spike tells me. "'S why he didn't tell you."

"I wish he had," I say. "Then maybe he would've scared me away and I would never have…" I trail off, thinking about the 'what ifs' of everything that happened. Had I not fallen for Angel, would I still be that naïve little girl who loved blindly and didn't give a thought to the consequences of her actions?

If my heart hadn't been broken…would loving Spike be easier?

"Would you be scared if I told you about my past?" asks Spike, almost fearfully.

I shake my head. "I've read up about the both of you. I know you still killed people, but at least you went for adults and made their deaths quick – and sometimes painless. The things Angel did… They were…"

"Horrible," he finishes. "Even _I_ was disgusted by the things he did. There're some lines I don't even _consider_ crossin', and he crossed every single one of them."

I shudder at the thought of Spike, even at his evilest, being disgusted with Angel. I've read the stories, but… I shudder again. "I'd rather not talk about Angel. We should…I don't know, get to know one another."

"We can't just blurt out all our secrets," he tells me. "We have to be ready to tell 'em, and likewise, we have to be ready to hear 'em. But I can tell you one thing."

"What's that?"

"Been thinkin' 'bout my obsession with Slayers. There was always a reason I could never kill you, and this is it. I think, sub-consciously, I've spent all my unlife lookin' for you."


	16. Chapter Fifteen: Honesty

When Riley shows up at the door of my dorm, it takes me a moment to remember what he's there for. But when I do, I wordlessly let him in. Right. He wants to talk about what we were both doing at the pool, him in commando gear and me with super strength.

And kissing a vampire. I hope that Riley didn't recognize Spike, otherwise that would be _a lot_ harder to explain.

He looks around the room for a moment before sitting on Willow's bed. "I guess we have to talk."

Way to make it sound like we're in a relationship. I sit on my bed. "I guess we do."

We're both silent as the minutes stretch on. Then Riley gets to his feet and looks like he's about to pace, but instead he just wanders, his eyes on the carpet. He finally turns to me with a curious and weary expression. "What are you?"

I try not to look offended. Of course he thinks I'm some kind of demon. "Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You?" If I make a joke maybe I can convince him I'm normal and he won't take me in…

"Sorry," he apologizes. "Came out a little blunter than I intended." He walks back to the bed. "It's just… You're amazing. Your speed, your strength-"

"I'm also passionate, artistic and inquisitive," I tell him. Of course he'll only see the Slayer. It happened with Owen, which makes me realize that Angel's talk about finding a 'normal guy' really _was_ an elaborate scheme to make sure I'd stay miserable and alone – and his. "Who are you?"

"You know who I am," he says. "The rest, what I do… I can't tell you."

And yet he wants me to tell him all about _my_ life. Wow. I know I wasn't honest with him, but I had my reasons, and he does too. But if I'm gonna tell him about what I do, it's only fair that he does, too. Relationships are about honesty; that's what the latest dream showed me. But that applies to both parties.

I'm glad I didn't continue with Riley, because _boy_, does he not get the honesty thing. I rise to my feet. "Well, then let me. You're part of some military monster squad that captures demons, vampires… You probably have some official-sounding names for them, like non-friendlies, non-sapiens…"

"Hostile Sub-Terrestrials."

That really does sound…official-like. "So you deliver these HSTs to a bunch of lab coats who perform experiments on them like they're nothing more than animals, which among other things turns them into harmless little bunnies." I hope he doesn't ask about the last part; I can't tell him about Spike. And for some reason, the swell of protectiveness has gone right up with Riley in the room. Probably because I know that Riley will take him in without a second thought. "How am I doing so far?"

His eyes are wide. "A little…_too_ well."

I nod, trying not to smirk. "Meanwhile by day you pretend to be Riley Finn; corn-fed Iowa boy. Ever been to Iowa, Riley? God, if that's even your _name_."

"It _is_. Born and raised." I believe him, because that really sounds like something a boy from Iowa would say. "And hey, bulletin girl; I'm not the only one who's been a little less than honest here."

And here he goes again, talking like we were actually in a relationship before. We had about two dates. And I told him it wasn't going to work, which he was OK with. How has that changed?

I sit back down. "I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would've figured it out by now. I'm the Slayer."

But he just looks at me in confusion. "What?"

"Slay-er? Chosen One? She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries?" But the look of confusion doesn't leave. "You're kidding?"

It hits me then that while these guys are obviously government funded, they don't have a _clue_ what they're dealing with. Which yeah, should have been obvious with the whole 'experimenting and dissecting demons' thing, but I thought they'd be a little more clued in than that. Maybe talked to the Watchers Council, or something.

But here's Riley, who doesn't even know what a Slayer is. Talk about playing with fire and being way in over your head all rolled into one.

"Should I know?" he asks.

I nod. Maybe…maybe only he hasn't heard of me. The others must know what a Slayer is. They can't be that blind and stupid, right? "Ask around. Look it up. Slayer, comma, The."

"And you fight demons?" I give him a 'duh' look. "I mean, you _whaled_ on those guys."

"You did pretty well yourself," I admit. "Apart from me having to save you and you getting hit over the head, but…"

He looks annoyed by that, and I'm reminded of his comment before; when he admitted to not believing that a girl can't take care of herself. "Yeah, but I was a walking bruise the next day. I went out last night, caught a couple of vamps who barely gave me much trouble, and I'm still aching. You were probably out last night, too, and I don't see a scratch on you. I barely saw a scratch on you that night. Then again, I wasn't really looking hard enough. Too busy watching you…" He looks away, and I know what he's talking about.

"Riley, I was being honest. That… I wasn't expecting that to happen. It came out of nowhere," I tell him. "And…this doesn't change anything between us. Before you were too normal, and now you're just…" Confusing. Unbalanced.

He looks like he's about to say something, but then suddenly Amy the rat starts squeaking loudly, rattling her cage. She stops, but as soon as she does, the ground starts to shake.

Riley strides towards me. "Over here!" He grabs me and drags me into the doorway of my closet. Yeah, like I need his help. I don't tell him that the whole 'get into a doorway' thing actually does nothing and it's better to get under a table.

The shaking only lasts for a few seconds, and when it stops I'm breathing heavily. "God…"

Riley just smirks as he steps out of the closet. "Wow. That was some ride." I walk away slowly, remembering the last time there was a big earthquake like that… "Sorry, I'm just so excited. It's my first earthquake."

I remember being face down in a puddle. "It's not mine."

* * *

After meeting with Willow and Xander who both assure me that they're OK and then stopping to check on Mom and Dawn, I head over to Giles to ask about the quake. Upon arrival I see that Spike is already there; he and Giles are outside, and they look like they're arguing about something. So it's the same old routine.

When he spots me, Spike goes to meet me with his arms extended, but he has second thoughts at the last moment and pulls them back. I hate to admit that I'm disappointed that he did; I could really use a hug right now. But I'm glad to see that he's OK. Crypts aren't really that stable, especially during earthquakes like that.

"You alright?" he asks.

I nod. "A couple of broken knick-knacks, but everything's fine. Willow was almost buried in literature at the library, Xander has a broken pipe at his place and Mom and Dawn are OK. Which is good."

"You're worried." Of course he can see right through me.

I turn to Giles. "Giles, something horrible is going to happen."

He just keeps his eyes on the map he has laid out on the table. "It was an Earthquake, Buffy. Not an uncommon occurrence in Southern California."

Didn't I tell him the same thing last time when _he_ was worried about earthquakes? Boy, have the roles reversed. That's irony for you. "But-"

"There's no reason to think it was anything more," he continues. "Now please don't you start on me; Spike's bad enough as it is."

I turn to Spike in surprise. "You're having the same bad feelings?"

He nods. "Somethin's not right. Can feel it. All demons can tell when the Hellmouth acts up."

"Which I have taken into consideration," says Giles. "And I completely understand your anxiety, Buffy. But unless evidence suggests otherwise, I think we can assume that it's shifting land masses and not a portent of some imminent doom."

"What else d'you need, Watcher?" asks Spike. "You've got a vamp and a Slayer with bad feelin's, both of which can usually be trusted; you waitin' for a big hole to open up in the ground and swallow the town all in one gulp?"

Giles shakes his head. "Heavens, no. In order for that to happen, they'll have to be a small hole now and then demons have to circle it-"

I roll my eyes. "Giles, please."

"You alright, Buffy?" Spike asks. I see his questioning eyes, and know he's asking more. He can see how badly this is affecting me, and wishes to know why. But at the same time, he's not pushing me.

But I want to tell him. It comes with the whole 'being honest' thing. "Spike and I will patrol and see if we can find anything. You carry on with your…er…"

"Theories of where the commando base is," he says. "Has Riley talked to you yet?"

I nod. "He came before the quake. He knows I'm the Slayer, but hopefully he won't be telling anyone about me. I mean, I know I've told you guys about him, but… Never mind. He knows, and he knows I know. If that makes sense?"

"Yes."

Spike and I head out, and we don't talk until we hit the first cemetery. "So what's got you all worked up?"

I bite my lip. "The…last time there was an earthquake… I was fighting the Master-"

"Batface." He smirks. "Forgot to thank you for tha'. If you hadn't killed 'im, I would've done. Couldn't stand the bugger."

I smile. "There was this prophecy about me; that I would face the Master, and…I would die."

"Obviously didn't, you bein' here, an all."

I look away. "Why do you think there're two Slayers, Spike?"

He stops walking, and then I feel his hand on my arm as he turns me to face him. His grip is tight, but not tight enough to hurt me. I look in his eyes and I see both fear and anger in them; fear that I died and anger at the Master for being the one who killed me. It's a deadly look, but I'm not scared. It makes me feel…safe.

"Can see why you're worried 'bout this earthquake, then." His hand goes to my face and brushes a stray hair from my eyes. He goes to cup my cheek, but instead pulls away – both hands pull away.

I still want to touch him, so I reach out and take his hand in mine. "I never really talked to anyone about my death. I had a bit of a phase where I was a bigger bitch than Cordelia, but I never really talked to anyone. I knew no one would understand what happened. Not even Angel. I mean, I know he died once, but he rarely talked about his past to me, so I knew he wouldn't…" I trail off when I realize I'm babbling and I look away.

He reaches out with his free hand once again and places a finger under my chin. And once again I'm looking into his deep blue eyes. They're so full of understanding and kindness that I can't help but smile.

"I know what it's like. To die." He pulls the hand under my chin away, but he keeps his other hand linked with mine and we start walking again. "Never really went into the details before. About my death."

I remember our night at the Bronze months ago. "Go on."

"I really was at the bottom of the heap," he explains. "Was an utter ponce; a nancy boy who wrote poetry in order to win the affections of the woman I was in love with. But she turned me down cold, I ran out into the night, and that's when I met Dru. It…hurt at first, when she killed me. But then it felt like…I was bein' born again. Only backwards. The worst was diggin' myself out of my own grave, but after that… I can't regret bein' turned. It's ironic, 'cause it made me feel alive for the very first time. I was nothin' before, and suddenly I had the power to do anything I wanted. I…regret some of the things I did, but I can never regret becomin' a vamp."

I expect to be disgusted by this revelation, and once upon a time, I would've been. But there's something attractive about Spike's confession; that he's embraced who he is and what he's become. Self-loathing is only good so long as it helps you to become a better person, and one should only loathe their actions instead of who they are. Anything more than that is wrong and unattractive, and I question myself once more on how I ever fell for Angel.

Spike knows what he is, and doesn't run from it. He embraces it. He understands that he's done bad things, but he doesn't blame that on what he's become. And that's a good thing.

I notice that he's watching me warily, and I see him almost bracing himself for my reaction. He's waiting for me to call him a thing and shoot him down for not regretting becoming a monster. But he never really did become a monster; he may have tried to act like a monster, sometimes succeeded, but the man in him never went away. I know that, because I see that man in his eyes every time I look at him.

The same man who's waiting for me to destroy him. For someone who loves to brag and strut around with an ego the size of the state, Spike can be incredibly insecure.

"You're better than me," I tell him. He opens his mouth to argue, but I hold up a finger to stop him. "You _are_. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the Slayer; that I can go back to being just a normal girl who only has to worry about clothes, shoes, make-up and cute boys. I've learnt a lot since then; I've taken that whole 'balance' thing to heart. But it's still a desire. You're a vampire and you're proud of it, while half the time I hate that I'm the Slayer."

He squeezes my hand and I let him talk. "You're still a better person than me. I hate part of myself, or rather I used to. I hated tha' human part of me tha' got left behind when I was turned. Stopped me from becomin' a proper vamp. But I've told you that already; you get the picture."

I look at him. Here we are; two people who can't seem to belong in either world, trying to find their way in life. Spike and I are more alike than I thought.

"I guess we have to be honest to ourselves as well as each other," I say.

He nods. "There's still more to tell you. But…I need time. We can't just go blurtin' things to one another; some things we're not ready to say or hear. Time and honesty need to go hand in hand."

"I know, and I understand," I say, recalling things about my life I'd rather not tell him until I'm ready.

Suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of us, in full game face. Spike just turns to me with an amused grin. "Wanna take this one, pet?"

I nod, taking out a stake. "Do you mind? We're having a moment here." I stake the vamp in the heart and he turns to dust. I then turn back to Spike, and my heart beats a little faster at how he's looking at me.

Like I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him.


	17. Chapter Sixteen: Doomed

I convince Spike to stop by the party Willow was invited to, and he just shrugs before following me to the campus. Though I notice that he's wary, and I don't blame him. The campus is Commando Central, and I really don't wanna bump into Riley.

But when we get to the party we see flashing lights. They belong to an ambulance, and on our way inside we pass by a body that's being rolled away. There are cops everywhere.

"Buffy!" We turn to see Willow sat on the stairs with Tara. "Over here."

Spike and I sit on the step below them. "Wow. I wasn't sure where the party was. Then I saw the flashing lights and the ambulance and thought, 'Right, of course! Death carnage; it's a Buffy party'. Typical."

"All your parties can't end like this," says Spike.

"Do I have to remind you where I caught you and Harmony?"

Willow breathes deeply, trying not to lose it. "I'm so glad you're here."

"What happened?" I ask.

"W-we found…him," says Tara.

Willow nods. "I was lying on the bed, and this guy was next to me dead. But I didn't see him until Tara turned on the light."

I'm used to finding and seeing dead people. One of the downsides of the job, but it's part of my calling. Willow's not used to seeing dead bodies, especially finding one so close to her. "Are you OK?"

"Was it one of my lot?" asks Spike.

Willow shakes her head. "There was so much blood."

"A-and there was a…s-symbol," says Tara. "It l-looks familiar, b-but I c-can't r-remember where I s-saw it."

"And Percy said I was a nerd!"

"Who the hell is Percy?" asks Spike. "If he's a demon, can I hit him?"

"He was a guy we knew at school," I tell him. "But he called you a _nerd_? Does Percy even _go_ here?"

Willow just shrugs. "I guess we should report to Giles and get with the demon tracking?"

I nod and we all stand up. Tara looks like she's going to hang back, but I give her an encouraging smile and she follows.

* * *

After we get the whole 'Percy' thing out of the way, Willow goes into more detail about what she and Tara found.

"The guy was propped up," Willow explains. "Like whatever did it wanted to drain the blood out of him. So I'm thinking that the guy took some of it with him."

"So it could be a vampire?" asks Xander.

"A vampire wouldn't leave any blood behind," says Spike. "There're couple of demons who drain blood, but I don't know any who leave the body covered in symbols."

"It's not a typical kill pattern for demons," says Anya. "Unless that demon's trying to perform a ritual."

"Ritual…" Giles looks thoughtful. "What did this symbol look like?"

Willow takes out a piece of paper from her pocket and opens it. "Tara says it looks familiar."

Tara nods. "I-I'll need to g-get my b-books from my…r-room."

I look at the symbol. "I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where…"

"It's the end of the world."

We all look at Giles before saying altogether, "Again?!"

"You people need to start thinkin' up the plural for 'apocalypse'," says Spike. "How many is that now?"

"Three. Four. I've stopped counting." I turn to Giles. "I told you! Spike and I; we both told you! And you were like 'poo-poo, Southern California, poo-poo'!"

"I'm so terribly sorry. My minor understandable mistake completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse."

I roll my eyes. Why does Giles have to be sarcastic at times like this?

"But it can't be!" says Willow. "We've done this already."

"I-it would make s-sense," says Tara. "I r-remember that s-symbol now. I have a b-book about it. I could go g-get it?"

Giles nods. "The more we know about this, the better."

"But with demons on the loose, you can't go back to your room alone," says Willow. "I could come…but I won't make much of a difference."

"I'll come with you," says Spike.

I nod in agreement. "And I'll go search for this mark. I know I've seen it somewhere before."

* * *

And I have. In the place where I spend most of my waking hours memorizing stuff off the sides of mausoleums.

I head inside and find the demon – big ugly green thing with the head of a porcupine – stealing child's bones. Ah, so we're back to the purely evil demons who steal the bones of children in order to end the world.

I shoot an arrow at him and it hits him in the shoulder. Then I throw the crossbow, but he hits it away and I jump at him. He's tough, which I get because he's big, and I wish that Spike had come to help me. But I get why he couldn't; Willow and Tara need him more than I do.

We take the fight outside, and the demon throws me over a headstone before running. I'm about to get up when a shadow looms over me. Thinking it to be a demon, I leap to my feet, turn, and strike out.

It's Riley. He blocks me instinctively, and while he stands his ground I see him wince in pain. My first thought is how bad it would be to sleep with him; I had to hold back enough with Parker.

It was…lacking.

I pull away and he rubs his arm. "Wow, that…flippy thing you just did…" He gestures to the ground where I was laying.

I look around. "Where did it go?" Why is he more focussed on me instead of the evil demon who's gonna destroy the world?

"It's gone," he tells me. "I saw it take off towards the woods."

"And you didn't follow it?"

He gestures to himself, and I see that he's wearing ordinary clothes instead of his uniform. "No weapons and no backup. You don't go after a demon _that_ size by yourself."

Right. Of course. He may be a commando, but he's only human. "I do."

"Yeah, well…I'm no Slayer…" He takes out a walkie-talkie from his back pocket before talking into it. "Base 1, this is Lilac 1."

"Lilac?" Seriously? He couldn't have chosen a manlier colour?

He holds up a finger as someone on the other end says, "_Go_."

"Confirmed sighting of an unidentified Sub-T. Mobilize patrol team for debriefing at 0800 hours."

"_Copy that_."

I watch him as he puts the walkie-talkie away. Treating slaying and patrolling like a military operation… It's both weird and not. I've treated these things the same sometimes, but only when duty calls for it. Other times I just take the world as it is and don't argue – well, sometimes I argue, not that it helps.

Treating the entire demon world like a military operation 24/7… That can only end in bad things. It just shows how much they don't know about what they're dealing with.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him. He's already pointed out that he's not in his military get-up, which means he's not patrolling.

He smiles…and it's not one I like. "Looking for you, she who hangs out in cemeteries."

That smile added to the fact that he's looking for me… I know this can't be good. His smile is hopeful; it's the same one he gave me when he was asking me out on a picnic that time, and also the same one he gave me the morning after I unknowingly fought him in the hall outside my dorm.

I know already the conversation that's coming, and I want to avoid it. "I have to…get the demon." I turn to walk away.

"Don't sweat it," he says, following me. "We'll bag it."

I stop and turn back to him. Bag and tag… Further proof that these guys really don't know what they're doing. Demons aren't animals; they think and some of them feel, and some try to end the world wherever they can. But he won't get that. "It's not that simple. Hunting demons is never that simple."

"OK, if you say so," he says with a shrug. "But I really think-" I see him gesturing to me and I cut him off.

"Riley, just… I just… I know what you're going to ask me, and I can't do it," I tell him. "I can't be with you. I told you before that I don't feel anything for you, and finding out about this… It's a black pit of a mistake, and I can't go there. You don't know what my life is like."

"And I'm dying to find out!"

"'Dying' being the operative word here," I continue. Bearing in mind some flaws, Riley seems like a nice guy who can make the right kind of girl happy. But that girl isn't me, and I don't wanna get him killed. There's a possibility he'll get killed anyway, but at least then I know it's not my fault. "You and me… It's just doomed. I'm sorry."

I turn away, but I know he's going to stop me. And he does. I wish he would just get the message that I'm not interested.

"I don't understand where this is coming from," he says, following me.

I stop and turn back to him. "What do you mean? I've already turned you down before."

"But now we have something in common."

"That's not enough," I tell him. "My first relationship was like this; we both fought demons, but that was all we had in common, and it doomed the relationship from word go." I won't be that girl again where I throw myself into a relationship just because the guy is cute and does what I do. "There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship like this, but there has to be more than 'we kill demons, let's do it together'."

He shakes his head. "Buffy, I'm thrown by this. I'm confused."

"Why, because I'm not playing along with your little fantasy?" I don't really know what makes me say it, but once the words are out, it hits me. This – demon hunting, saving the day – is all just a game to him. One real-life version of all the games and dreams he must have had as a kid. He plays the hero who always wins while I'm…

…I'm the love interest who does what he does, and the one he saves all the time despite the fact that I can handle myself.

Everything's so clear to me now.

"It feels like a fantasy; I can agree with that." Yeah, he's not making it better for himself. "But when I look at you I can feel my skin humming, and my hands, and…my every inch of me. I've never been this excited about anyone before, and I'm not gonna walk away just because I think it might not work."

_Really_ not making it better for himself. "I used the term 'fantasy' in the sarcastic sense. Life isn't a fantasy; it's full of pain, death and more apocalypses than I can count. None of it's fun, I'll tell you this now. Do you know what a Hellmouth is? Do you have a fancy term for it? Because I went to _high school_ on it, for _three years_. We really, really don't have that much in common. This is both a job and an adventure to you; the dream job where you can act out all you little boy fantasies. But for me it's destiny. It's something I can't change or can't fight; I'm stuck."

"No you're not. You can change things. You're not in high school anymore."

"You're right. I'm not," I tell him. "I've grown up since then. Back in high school, I would've jumped at the chance to date you. But I know now that your world and my world don't mix. What you've said to me tonight proves that; you treat these demons like targets for you to 'bag and tag', but each demon is different. They have motivations and their own lives; some are even harmless! But you're not making that distinction. To you it's a game. To me it's my life. My answer is 'no'. Now please leave me alone."

I turn and walk away, hoping that he doesn't try again.


	18. ChapterSeventeen:Return to the Hellmouth

**Chapter Notes**: Ignore the chapter title. I was trying to fit it all in. *winces*

* * *

"A Vahrall demon," says Anya with a nod, before opening a book onto the right page. "I've only seen them a couple of times. They're as evil as they come."

I look over her shoulder at the picture and nod. "Yep. That's the guy."

"Ugh…" says Willow, also taking a look.

I step aside so Xander can look, too. "I second that revulsion."

"Think I met one once," says Spike. "And by 'met' I mean I ran into him and he pushed me into some trash. Stank of rottin' people food for days. Dru thought it was a right old laugh."

"Your ex may be insane, but she has good taste in comedy," says Xander, trying not to laugh.

I try not to laugh, too. The thought of Spike falling in some trash and smelling for days…

Giles takes the book from Anya before reading what it says. "Slick like gold and gird in moonlight, father of portents and brother to blight. Limbs with talons, eyes like knives, bane to the blameless, thief of lives."

"We need to get happier people to write these books," Xander comments.

"This thing isn't digging up the bones of a child for fun," I say. "In the same crypt that has that symbol… It's trying to end the world."

"Vahrall demons don't usually go that far, but I'm not surprised," says Anya.

Tara brings over the book she fetched from her dorm. "I-It's an ancient r-ritual."

She hands the book to Willow. "It uses the blood of a man, the bones of a child…and something called the Word of Valios. It's all part of the Sacrifice of Three."

"Let me guess; ends the world?" I ask.

Willow nods. "Yeah. It's not big with the details, though. It doesn't say how the world ends or what the ritual entails exactly."

"I-It goes into more d-detail in a-another b-book." Tara hurries over to the collection she brought and picks another one up. "I c-can't r-remember which one e-exactly."

"But any ritual that has the word 'sacrifice' in the title can't be good," says Xander. "Call me old fashioned here, but 'sacrifice' means killing people, and that means three people are gonna die."

I shake my head. "No. They won't. Claw boy's not getting all of his ingredients. We have to find the Word of Valios and keep him from getting it."

"If he doesn't already have it," says Willow. "Who knows where he's been?"

"He won't be working alone," says Anya. "Vahrall demons usually travel in groups."

_Great_. "OK. I'll check the Magic shop and see if they've heard of a book called the Word of Valios. Giles, you stay here with Tara and Anya and keep researching this ritual. Willow and Xander can go check out the book archive at the museum. Spike, you go with them in case the demons are there looking, too."

Spike nods, and Willow doesn't complain. Xander does, though. "Buffy, are you serious? Him?"

"You two can't protect yourselves from this demon; _I_ had trouble with it," I tell them. "I don't want any of you getting hurt."

"I don't wanna end the world here, people," says Spike. "'S why I made tha' truce with the Slayer before, in case you all forgot."

"And he was nice to me and Tara," Willow tells Xander.

Xander still wants to argue, but even he can see the positives, and he sighs in defeat. "I'll stop by my house to grab some weapons and to change into something that isn't quite…err…anchovy-scented."

He really needs to pick and job and stick with one.

We head out and split up at the end of the road. I make my way towards the Magic shop, but along the main road I spot Riley walking in my direction. And just when I thought things couldn't get any more complicated…

He has some device in his hand which he's using to scan the area. After a few moments he looks up and spots me, and I sigh. I had hoped he'd keep looking down so I can pass by unnoticed, but I guess that's not gonna work now. At least now I can see if he took my words to heart. I really don't want to have the 'I won't date you and here's ten reasons why' conversation again.

"Buffy," he greets.

I look at his device. "Is this really the time for _Donkey Kong_?" Pop-culture jokes work for Xander. They can work for me, too.

"What?" I gesture to his device. "Oh. It takes trace readings of the creature's pheromones. And it's either mating season for this thing, or it's moving all over town." He sighs. "You know, Buffy-"

And here it comes. "Actually I need to go," I interrupt. "Big Bad needs to be squished." I go to walk around him.

"I'm on it, too." He tries walking alongside me before blocking my path. "It's just… This thing? This you and me thing? It's stupid!"

I give him my customary 'are you kidding me?' look. "There's no 'you and me', Riley. I thought I made that clear. I can't do this."

"Then _you're_ stupid!"

"Way to win a girl over."

"Sorry. I don't mean that." But then he looks at me again and decides, "No, I think maybe I _do_."

"So _I'm_ the one who's stupid?" I ask. "Me, who's been doing this professionally since I was fifteen compared to you, who still doesn't understand anything about the demon world. If you've seen what I've seen, you'll understand. But you haven't, and I don't think you ever will. So _you're_ the stupid one."

"But you're the one who has this twisted way of looking at things."

I sigh with frustration. "It's not twisted; it's logical. It's reasonable. It probably just looks twisted because you're _way_ too upbeat about this. And that just justifies my reasons; you think life's like a movie, where the good guys always win and people find their true loves and live happily ever after. I tried having my own fairy tale, and it blew up in my face."

"That doesn't give you an excuse to give up."

"I didn't give up, Riley; I got a reality check," I tell him.

I try to walk around him again, but he stops me. Again. "Buffy, where is the bad here? It just turns out that we're even more well-matched than we thought we were."

"Seriously?!" When people look our way, I lower my voice. "We hunt demons; that's all we have in common. That doesn't make us well-matched. But that's not the only problem; I really, _really_ don't feel anything, even if you do. And you really don't get this lifestyle. I've observed how you and your commando buddies work, and frankly, you guys are way in over your heads if you think you can understand demons just by watching them and experimenting on them. Compared to me, you're a rank amateur, Riley."

He blinks. "Look who's being hurtful now."

"At least I know what I'm talking about," I tell him. "The demon world isn't some boy's fever-dream war game. It's a world of death and destruction, and I come from a long line of Slayers who don't live past twenty-five."

"See? That's the kind of attitude I'm talking about."

"Well, it's better than _your_ kind of attitude," I snap. "You think this is fun, and the last person who thought that is in a coma right now because she had so much _fun_ on the job."

"Why can't you be honest with me?" he asks. "A lot's happened to you. Why don't you tell me? Maybe then I'll understand."

Honesty. That's what make relationships work. And while I don't want a relationship with him, I can settle for a friendship, and they require honesty, too. So I take a deep breath and say, "I mentioned before that one of the reasons I don't want this is because I've tried it with someone like you. We had little to nothing in common other than the fact that we both fight demons, and in the end, that was one of the reasons it fell apart."

"_One_ of the reasons?"

I take another deep breath. "I sorta made him lose his soul. He was a vampire."

Riley goes still and looks at me like I've grown eight arms. "You… What? You slept with…with…one of those…"

"A vampire," I repeat. "His name was Angel, and he was cursed with a soul by gypsies, so he felt remorse for his actions and was forced to fight for good. We fell in love, but because I was young and stupid, I didn't think about the consequences of our actions and how it would affect the people around me. We slept together and he lost his soul. He tried to kill me, my friends, my family – and he killed one of my teachers. He tried to end the world, and in order to save it I had to send him to Hell – _after_ he'd regained his soul. And then when he came back…we couldn't rebuild what we had. Mostly because so much had happened between us – and there was the soul thing again – but also because I finally saw that we never really had that much in common to begin with, which was something I denied until recently. So you soak all that in; hopefully now you'll realize just how different our lives are, which is yet another reason why we can't work."

He stares at me, and alongside the shock I can see disgust just sitting there under the surface, waiting to come out and have a party. But he's holding it back, which I give him credit for.

"You…you slept with a…" He shakes his head before walking away.

I'm glad he's gone…but the way he departed…the way he looked at me… I'm reminded of Angel's words – about calling us a freak show and telling me to find a normal guy – and I let a tear fall from my eye. I remember the dreams; everything my previous reincarnations experienced and the love they had for their vampire partners…only for it to end in in tragedy.

I'm so caught up in myself that I don't notice when a familiar someone approaches me. "Buffy?"

I look up and find myself staring into Spike's blue eyes. "Spike? I thought you were with Willow and Xander?"

"Was," he says. "We got back to your Watcher's place, and…" He trails off when he looks at me more closely. Of course he notices that something's wrong. "What's the matter?"

I sigh, looking at my feet. "Just…Riley. Because he's found out about me, he seems to think that we go well together despite having nothing else in common. There are so many reasons why we can't work; he thinks all this is a game, he doesn't respect that I'm a girl and I can fight, and he doesn't see that we have nothing else in common. He's an Angel clone."

Spike's eyebrow rises. "Another clone of Peaches wanderin' about? Definitely the end of the world."

I smile a little. "I told him about Angel. I figured giving the whole honesty thing a try might help him see. It scared him away, but…he looked at me like I was a demon myself. Like…I was just some whore because I decided to sleep with something he rates below animals." I look up at him, and I know there's another tear threatening to escape. "Am I doomed when it comes to love? There was Angel and then there was Parker, and that's just in this life. Whenever I tried to be happy with you, we always…always…"

I go from standing there on the sidewalk to being encircled in his arms with my head against his chest. I don't know how I got there, but I'm not about to complain.

"You're not doomed, and there's nothin' wrong with you," says Spike. "He's just a wanker for bein' too caught up in his own fantasy to see what's real and what's not. He looked at you and saw what he wanted to see; a girl who could be his love interest in his own personal action movie. When I look at you, I see who you are, and who you are is an extraordinary woman who keeps on livin' even with the weight of the world on her shoulders."

I smile against his chest. Seeing what I only wanted to see… That's what I did with Angel. In my teenage eyes, I saw a saint and a hero who could do no wrong, and thankfully I got a reality check before it was too late.

Looking at Spike…I see someone who's real.

He pulls away. "Almost forgot what I came here for. Your Watcher got himself into a spot of trouble."

* * *

Giles had the Word of Valios the entire time, and the demons came for it. They hit his head, gave Anya a concussion and bruised Tara's arm.

At least Giles figured out that we need to go back to the Hellmouth – back to high school.

Inside the burnt out building, Spike comments on how fun our battle with the Mayor sounded before pointing out where he and I had our first fight. I smile fondly at the memory; while I was legitimately scared at the time, it was one of the best fights I had. It was fast-paced, energizing, challenging, a turn-on…

…and I don't think about where the hell _that_ came from…

We reach the library and find the demons, and Spike and I attack while Willow and Xander grab the blood and child's bones. I can't see any sacrifices, but I figure they must be around – until a demon grabs the Word of Valios and jumps into the Hellmouth, and I realize that the demons themselves _are_ the sacrifices.

Willow and Xander run with the blood and child's bones. Spike snaps the neck of the first demon before helping me impale the second on a piece of metal lying around. Apocalypse averted. Go team.

When we hurry out of the library I see Willow and Xander talking to…Riley. In military uniform. I move in front of Spike as we approach.

"I was just passing by…" I hear him say before he notices me. "Buffy. I was just telling your friends that…err…"

"You were just passing by in your G.I. Joe outfit?" asks Willow.

Xander smirks as he looks him up and down. "And I don't think the paintball excuse is gonna work this time. Besides, Buffy told us about you before the holidays."

Riley looks at me, hurt, before I shrug. "We knew you guys were about. We didn't know what threat you posed. I had to tell them just in case."

Then he looks behind me and sees Spike, and I'm filled with dread when his eyes light up with recognition. "You… You were that guy down at the pool with Buffy." But then he steps closer, and I see something dawning on him. Crap. "You're Hostile 17."

"Err…" I feel Spike backing away, and I suddenly realize just how traumatizing it must have been for him, locked up in a cage like an animal while scientists poked around inside him…

"Buffy, you can't trust him. He's a vampire." Riley steps forwards, taking out his Taser. "I need to take him in-"

Seconds. That's all it took for a sudden flare of panic – greater than all the ones that came before – to rise within me, and before I realize what I'm doing I throw myself at Riley, kicking the Taser out of his hands. He looks confused for only a moment before I punch him in the face and kick his feet out from under him. I kneel before him and grab his head…

I freeze.

I realize what I'm about to do and let him go, getting to my feet again. "Oh God…"

"You can say _that_ again," says Xander. He and Willow are just as shocked as I am.

Riley pulls himself to his feet, a hand to the spot on his face where I punched him. "Buffy? What the hell was that about? You're protecting a vampire-"

"You don't know me or my life." At least not _this_ life. "You need to stay away from me, Riley. And so help me, if you go near Spike, you'll find out what a Slayer is _really_ capable of. I've fought demons twice your height; you're no match for me."

He looks between me and Spike before throwing me a look of disappointment and disgust. "I thought Slayers were supposed to kill vampires – not help them and…make love with them." And then he walks away, his footsteps loud enough to shift debris.

"Wait…you're making love with _Spike?!_"

I shake my head. I don't have time for Xander's comments right now.

"Buffy, what's wrong?"

His voice – his soothing voice – makes me come undone and I throw myself into his arms. I don't care that Willow and Xander are watching; all I care about is Spike and the fact that he's still with me.

"Riley…" I say, pulling away to look up at him. "It's…it's him. He's the one who killed you all those times before."


	19. Chapter Eighteen: Prejudice

I can't let go of Spike's hand.

The near miss – probably an over-exaggeration, but I keep classing it as that in my head – has put me really on edge. My mind keeps digging itself into 'what if?' scenarios; what if Riley had taken him in, or worse, staked him then and there, and I just need that constant reminder that Spike is still with me.

That he's not gone for good. The idea of him gone makes me sick to my stomach. To think that just a couple of months ago, I would've thrown a party over the same thought.

I keep a hold of his hand the entire way back to Giles's place. Spike, every now and again, gives my hand a reassuring squeeze, to which I find myself looking up into his reassuring face; his wonderful smile and his oh so blue eyes…

Xander doesn't stop glaring at us, although to his credit, he keeps quiet. But I know he'll have plenty to say once we get back, and I dread his words. Xander's one of my best friends, and it tears me apart knowing that he hates what's going on. Why can't he see that I've been the happiest I've ever been with Spike?

Willow remains quiet, too, and I notice that she doesn't even look awkward about the hand-holding. I'm grateful, but it makes me wonder what's going on in her head.

When we get back to the flat we see that Giles has recovered from his head injury, and that both Anya and Tara are still there. It's good, because then I won't have to repeat myself. I've already been holding off on Xander and Willow.

Once everyone's sat down and comfortable, I explain what happened with the demons. When that's out of the way, I go on to explain about Riley's appearance and how he tried to take Spike in. I hesitate when I get to my reaction; I almost killed a human being, and it's not one of my proudest moments. Spike gives my hand another gentle squeeze and I finish the story with my revelation.

Giles takes his glasses off and begins cleaning them. "Are you sure?"

"With everything I am," I reply. "It's the strongest my instincts have ever been; like my subconscious knew. When I saw him take a step towards Spike, it was all clear to me; I saw all those dreams happening again, but where the man's face was blurry, I instead saw Riley's. I couldn't let him take Spike, and I'll be the first to admit that I seriously overreacted-"

"Overreacted?!" And here comes Xander's comments. "You were so far over that the 'reacted' must've been a dot to you! You almost killed him!"

"But she didn't," Willow spoke up, shifting uncomfortably.

I nod. "Exactly. I'm ashamed of what I almost did – even after seeing him kill Spike all those times, I don't want him dead – but did you really expect me to just let him take Spike back to that place?"

"Yes!" Xander gives me a look of relief, as if I've finally come to my senses. "Is it really hard to understand that he's a soulless evil creature? That it's just sick and wrong for you to be sleeping with Dead Boy Jr.? It's disgusting!"

His words hit a cord. They did before, but not as bad as this. Because now I'm trying to recover from the panic of almost losing him. How can Xander say those things about Spike; about me? Is that what he really thinks of me? Am I disgusting and sick because I have feelings for a vampire?

It's ten times worse than Riley's reaction to me.

I expected Spike to growl, and yes, even shift into his demon face. I even expected Giles to give Xander a disapproving look. What I _didn't_ expect was Willow leaping out of her seat, storming over to Xander and slapping him across his face. Xander is the most shocked out of us all.

"OW! Wils, what gives?!" He almost shudders, and I don't have to look to know that Willow is giving him her best resolve face.

"Don't take that tone with me, Xander Harris!" I almost expect her to start pointing her finger at him, like a parent scolding a naughty child. "I've stayed quiet until now, but this is where I draw the line! All this crap about 'demons are evil' needs to stop, because this constant whining makes you look like a five-year-old still stuck in kindergarten!"

"But they _are_ evil!"

Willow actually rolls her eyes. I've never seen her like this before, and I don't know whether to be scared or not. "Most of them are, yes. But not all of them, and Spike's been proving that."

"Spike tried to kill us!" he protests. "Buffy making love to that _thing_ is wrong!"

"No, it's not." Willow shakes her head. "I think it's cute. What's wrong is that you're blaming the entire demon population for what happened to Jesse! I know it hurts, and I know he was our best friend, but you need to suck it up and get over it, because hating every demon you meet won't bring him back and it won't make you feel any better!"

Xander looks gobsmacked. "But…"

"No buts," she tells him. "Jesse was turned by Darla. You have no one else to blame but her."

"Darla?!" I turn to Spike. His vamp face is gone and he looks just as pissed as Willow does…but not at Xander. "Knew I should've shoved a stake through that bloody whore the first chance I got."

"Then why didn't you?" asks Xander. There's a hint of bitterness in his voice, but not as much as there usually would be. Hearing that Spike hates Darla too must've lightened him up a bit.

"'Cause I knew that if I did anything to grandmum, Angelus would hurt Dru." Spike lowers his head. "As much as I couldn't stand the cow, my fear for Dru was greater than my hate."

Willow points at Spike as she turns back to Xander. "You call vampires unfeeling monsters, but look at him! He would do anything for Drusilla. Have you already forgotten the reason why he kidnapped us?"

"To be honest, Wil, I was more focussed on the fact that he _kidnapped and threatened to kill us!_" Xander argues. "Demons are soulless and they're evil! They don't change and they all deserve to die!"

"Wow." We all turn to Anya, who's watching Xander with a mixture of anger and hurt. "You really _do_ feel that way. I thought it might have been the syphilis talking, but I guess I was wrong."

I can't read Xander's expression, but I know there's confusion in there alongside other emotions. "What are you saying, Anya?"

"She's saying you're a hypocrite," says Willow. "Or at least she _should_ be saying that. In your tirade against Spike and other demons, did you forget that your girlfriend – who you _sleep_ with – is an ex-demon? One who probably has a bigger kill count than Spike and Angelus combined?"

"Emphasis on the 'ex' there, Wils," says Xander. "She changed because she turned into a human. And unless Spike does the same-"

Suddenly Anya's standing and yelling. "I didn't change because I suddenly became a human and got myself a shiny new soul! When I first had my powers taken away, I still wanted to cause mayhem like I always did. Or have you already forgotten the time I helped bring Willow's vampire twin into our world? But then I got feelings for you and thought maybe, just maybe, I could change and have a chance to be loved. And in that sense, Spike and I are the same; he's changing because of Buffy, and I changed because of you."

Xander just stares at her, unable to speak.

Giles looks intrigued. "So even though you suddenly had your soul back, you didn't want to do good straight away?"

Anya rolls her eyes. "I honestly don't know why you all make such a big deal about souls. A soul isn't some miracle conscience. If it was, why do humans do bad things? Why do you have prisons, and murderers, and rapists? Are you honestly implying that those people are better than demons because they have souls?"

Giles avoids her gaze. He's taken this whole thing with Spike better than I ever thought he would, and yet we all know – himself included – that he believed all that 'no soul equals evil' talk just as much as we all did. He could probably be the worst culprit, since he shoved the teaching down all our throats during those first few weeks in Sunnydale.

"If the soul doesn't matter, why are most soulless demons evil?" asks Xander. I can tell that he's trying to be bitter – trying to find a good reason for his hatred – but not succeeding. I think even he knows that it's not working.

"The case is different with different demons," says Anya with a shrug.

I speak up for the first time. "Spike was telling me about some vampires being made wrong. They were so full of love when they were alive that their emotions don't go away when they're turned."

Anya nods. "That's one reason. The most recurring reason is power; demons have power. You've all probably heard the phrase 'drunk with power', and that's pretty much it. Most demons are also weak, and they let power get to their heads. It's truly extraordinary to find a demon who overcomes this; who decides they want to be a better person. I did it. Spike's doing it. And if you can't see that, Xander Harris, then you're blindly drowning in that river you humans call 'denial'." After a pause she looks at Giles. "That's a weird analogy, by the way. I don't really get it."

"And not only are you hurting yourself, but you're hurting the people around you," Willow continues. "Not just Anya, but Buffy, too."

"I'm trying to _help_ Buffy!"

But I shake my head. "No, you're really not. What's happening with me and Spike… I'll admit, I was scared at first. But the thing is, he's making me happier than I think I've ever been." I squeeze said vampire's hand and I see him smile with wonder out of the corner of my eye. "I have feelings for him; good feelings. And when you say all this stuff – how he's a disgusting creature and I'm a sick person for being with him – it makes me feel horrible. You're my friend, Xander, and I hate that you may feel that way about me. But at the same time, it's my life and I choose who gets to be in it. My greatest fear is that everyone will hate me and I'll be alone, and you're making that fear come true. Please don't make me choose between the two; happiness and fear. I don't think I'll ever forgive you if you force me to turn my back on my own happiness just to fuel your unjustified prejudice."

Looking at the expression on Xander's face, I realize that it's finally starting to sink in. It may take a little more than just this talk, but I think he'll get there. We just have to be patient.

Xander turns to Willow. "I don't wanna make you mad again, but…where did all that come from? All that…"

"Anger?" Willow sighs. "I couldn't stand by and let you say all those things about demons. You see…" Then she looks at Tara hesitantly.

The blonde witch nods. "It's OK. You can tell them."

Willow nods back. "Tara thought she was a demon."

Wait, what? How can a sweet girl like Tara think she's a demon? OK, demons aren't all bad – we've just been trying to convince Xander of that – but still. Tara's the last person I would expect to be a demon.

"How?" I ask.

"Her family are a bit…old fashioned," Willow explains.

"And by that she means they kept their women in line by tellin' them they're part demon and that the men were the only ones who could control their 'problem'," says Spike. He shakes his head. "Bloody pillocks."

"Wait, how do you know this?" I ask him.

"He figured out the lie," says Willow. "When the three of us were getting books, I suggested a spell to help find the demons. Tara was hesitant and Spike realized something was wrong, and he got her to confess."

Tara nods. "A-and then h-he punched me in the n-nose."

"It fired my chip," Spike elaborates. "Proved that she's human."

Willow turns back to Xander. "Tara could've been a demon, and yet look at her. She would never hurt a fly. And Spike, the actual demon, proved that she wasn't by causing pain to himself. Can you see why I got so mad at you?"

I can too, but I'm not looking at Willow. I'm looking at Spike, once again seeing the kind of man he really is.


	20. Chapter Nineteen: Eleanor and Gyffard

_I am Eleanor Ryall, the Vampire Slayer. And I am relying on my prey to watch my back. _

_He is not just any vampire. His name is Gyffard, and I was highly surprised when he appeared on one of my patrols one night. I was even more surprised when he attacked another vampire who had been stalking me from behind. _

"_Not much of a Slayer, are you?" he'd said with a smirk. "Can't even tell when a vampire's creeping up on you." _

_I'd grabbed him by the neck and pinned him against a tree. "What do you want, vampire? I am in no mood for your games." _

"_Not playing any games here," he'd said with his arms raised in surrender. "I want to help." _

_I had laughed, and while I shouldn't have done it, I let him go. For I owed him my life, and keeping to the warrior's code is something my Watcher, Henry Adelard, said I should do. Though I suppose he wouldn't be happy if he ever found out that I spared the life of a demon…_

_But I do not have to worry about Gyffard killing people. He prefers to kill other vampires; more challenging, he claims. He appeared once again the night after I let him go, and then the night after that, and the night after that… _

_So I let him join me, and although he is a vampire and I am a Slayer – two beings who should be mortal enemies – I have not regretted my choice. _

_We fight as one. Our styles of fighting are the same; sometimes it is as if he is my shadow and reflection. And his strength and stamina allows me not to worry about him. When a local man named Frederick Hameline – a man who attempted to call upon me and ask me to marry him – discovered my Calling, he attempted to help. But I soon had to ask him to leave me be, because I was constantly saving him from vampires and demons alike, which distracted me and frustrated him. _

_It was dangerous. Fighting alongside Gyffard is not. _

_I was worried when Belinda Fareman – a Potential whom my Watcher is training – discovered my secret, but once I showed her the benefits of having Gyffard on our side, she agreed not to tell. Belinda is smart, and I hope that she has seen what I have seen. _

_That Gyffard will follow me wherever I may lead him. It is as if I am the general and he is the lieutenant of our own personal army, consisting of just the two of us. Four if one was to count Belinda and Adelard. _

_We have finished our patrol and are about to separate. Gyffard is hurt, but not badly so. Despite this, I feel guilty for his injury, because he got it saving me. His loyalty is commendable. I have to thank him. _

_I figure that a kiss on the cheek will be enough. I wait until he is turned away before I dive in. Hopefully if I'm quick enough, he will not protest. _

_Only I underestimate his reflexes, and turns to me just as I am inches away from his face. I do not notice what has happened until my lips are on his. _

_I pull away, blushing. Vampires cannot blush, but if he were alive, I know he would be blushing, too. I can tell by the expression on his face. It is rather sweet, really. I have always admired a man who is not afraid to show his feelings, unlike Frederick, who barely shows any emotions. _

"_I wanted to thank you," I tell him. "For saving me." _

"_You're welcome." We stand in awkward silence for a few moments more before, in sync, we turn and hurry away to our respective homes. _

_The next night we are silent, but we soon fall back into routine of killing vampires and demons and passing battle quips backwards and forwards. I catch Gyffard admiring me from afar, and honestly, I am admiring him, too. Because our kiss has made me realize just how handsome he is – especially when he fights. _

_I take the lead and kiss him again. He kisses me back, following me even in this. It happens again the next night, and the next, and the next…_

_It is not long before I realize that I am in love with him. _

_I tell him. He smiles and says the same to me; he was waiting for me to say it first, so he could follow me into the oblivion he calls love. _

_He leads me back to his home where we make love. I always thought I would die a virgin, and I was fine with that. The life of the Slayer is not equipped for marriage, especially to an ordinary mortal man. My Watcher told that to Frederick after the man discovered my secret. _

_They are unlikely friends, though. Since Frederick cannot help with the fighting, he helps with the research. _

_At the height of our passion, Gyffard bites me. It does not hurt, and I do not fear that he will feast upon me. I am right when he pulls away to lick my wound clean, before whispering in my ear, "Mine." _

"_Yours," I agree. _

_I watch as Gyffard pricks his lip on one of his fangs, drawing blood, before he kisses me again. The blood flows into my mouth and I swallow. I feel the connection it makes, and I am overwhelmed by love. _

_Neither of us are paying attention to our surroundings. _

_Before I realize what is happening, Frederick is standing above us, and he pulls Gyffard off and away from me. I cry out in panic, and my cries only grow when Frederick drives a stake through my lover's heart. _

_I tear through the settling dust as I launch myself at Frederick. I take his head in my hands and snap his neck. I feel no remorse as I watch his lifeless corpse fall to the floor. _

"_Belinda was right to tell us." I barely register my Watcher's voice before I discover an arrow piercing my heart._

* * *

"Eleanor Ryall," Giles reads from the book in front of him. "She was a Norman Slayer in the 11th century, active for a number of years until she was killed in 1022 by a vampire named Gyffard, who was then slain by a man named Frederick Hameline. It says here that this man assisted the Slayer and her Watcher with a number of vampires and demons." He looks over towards me. "I assume this is all false?"

"Names are true. Details are false," I say. "Gyffard was Spike's incarnation, and he was more helpful to Eleanor than Frederick ever was. It was the same again; he and she made love, they Claimed, but then the men show up and kill us. Frederick…" I bite my lip and look down, not wanting to think about the man I saw in my dream…and how no more than a few months ago, I considered dating a guy with the same face.

Spike gives my hand a gentle squeeze. "'S OK, luv. I saw him, too."

"Saw who?" Willow asks. Next to her is Tara, who looks both nervous and curious, and opposite them are Anya and Xander. Since the talk a few days ago, Xander hasn't made any comments about me and Spike, and I'm hoping that maybe we've gotten through to him, even though he hasn't apologized yet.

I let out the deep breath I didn't realize I was holding. "Riley. He's the man who always kills Spike, just like I said. I saw his face this time, clear as day."

"At least that confirms his identity." Giles nods thoughtfully. "What about the Watcher?"

I shake my head. "His face is still blurred." I know why Giles is asking; he's afraid that the Watcher will turn out to be him, but honestly, I don't think it is. Unless he's a very good actor, Giles has no problems with Spike, which is confusing in itself. But hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Where the hell did that analogy come from, anyway?

"At least one mystery's solved," says Anya.

"Not completely," I say. I look towards Willow. "I don't know whether I should drop out of Psych or not. I really don't wanna be around Riley."

"But you can't just not show up," Willow explains. "He knows who you are now; he knows how strong you are. And it's not like he's gonna attack you in the day, or anything, because randomly attacking a student in front of a class full of other students? Not good."

I know she's right, but I'm not really afraid of him attacking me, or even confronting me. I can handle myself. I'm more afraid of what _I'll_ do to him if given half the chance. He's killed Spike – or at least Spike's incarnations – many times over, and I've watched in horror every single time. I'm afraid that my 'id' – or whatever the hell Professor Walsh calls it – will take over and I'll end up killing Riley, or at least seriously injuring him. In front of everyone, no less.

And since he'll no doubt make it harder for me to resist by confronting me…

I need to breathe. Silently excusing myself, I get to my feet and hurry out of Giles's front door. The fresh air begins to calm me down, but the panic and anxiety only starts to fully go away when a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around me.

I should've known that he'd follow me out. It's already sunset and the courtyard is nothing but shadows, but I doubt even the fear of getting a sun tan could keep him away.

"Don't talk about Riley, OK?"

"Sure thing, luv." Spike rests his chin on my shoulder as I lean into his chest. "I always did wonder what it'd be like fighting alongside a Slayer."

"Me, too," I say. "I mean, I always wondered what it'd be like fighting alongside a vampire."

"I thought you did?"

"I never really fought with Angel." A couple of times, but that was never truly fighting. More like him trying to save me or me trying to save him – or scream at him in agony, afraid that he'll be killed. Did I really act like that around him?

Angel never truly fought with me. He fought _for_ me, and sometimes he didn't even fight at all; he just showed up, spoke cryptic stuff, and left. How that stopped being annoying and became charming, I'll never know. Young and stupid, thy name is Buffy.

"Angel was never really much of a fighter," says Spike. "Into the mind games, and the "art" of killing. Me? I'd take a good brawl any day."

"Because you're an impatient idiot."

"Hey." He gives me a little nudge with his knee, and I giggle. "It's borin' bein' all patient-like. I'm surprised that Gyffard bloke held off for as long as he did before confrontin' Eleanor 'bout helpin' her."

My smile fades a little as my thoughts return to Eleanor and Gyffard, our latest reincarnations. In my mind's eye the two figures change, and I see myself and Spike in those same positions; me hunting vampires and demons with Spike by my side, following my lead without hesitation. I see us fighting side by side, and then I see us kissing, making love…

…dying at the hands of Riley and the mysterious Watcher…

Spike obviously hears my sharp intake of breath and pulls me closer. "It'll be OK, sweetheart. We'll figure it out."

"But what if we don't?" I ask him. "What if we fail? We'll be…"

Separated forever. It can't happen now, not when I've admitted I have feelings for him – in front of my friends, no less. I've resolved to just let things happen without any self-conscious interference, and the confession just came out as a result of the confrontation with Xander. I don't regret admitting my feelings, and I would never take those words back.

I know it won't be long before I've fallen all the way…

"We'll be fine," Spike assures me. "And do you know why we'll be fine? Because you'll be leadin' the way, and I trust you to be the leader you were born to be. I'll always follow you; wherever you go, and no matter what."

And standing in his arms, bathing in how cool he feels against my skin, I believe him. I believe that we'll be fine and will figure things out.

I turn in his arms, and before he can ask what I'm doing, I kiss him. It doesn't take him long to kiss me back.

It's our first kiss since Christmas, and I can't believe just how much I've missed his lips. It just feels so right – and compared to everything else around us, it's the most 'right' thing in the world. I feel like I'm joining with my other half, which probably isn't that far from the truth.

"Buffy?"

I reluctantly pull away at the sound of Xander's voice and try not to snap at him. "What is it?"

He's standing in the doorway, watching us. But there's no disgust in his eyes this time; just surprise, although that's minor, too. I guess this is progress, and I wonder how much of it can be attributed to Willow's speech or the fact that Anya's withholding sex with him until further notice.

"Giles just got a call," he explains. "It's from the hospital. Faith's awake and she's on the loose."

Faith. I completely forgot about Faith, what with everything else going on in my life. But with a reminder of her, I suddenly remember another important part of the dream. I was so focussed on seeing Riley's face for the first time…

I remember what had happened to Angel last year and I drag Spike into the house. "You need to stay inside."

"Why, pet?"

"Faith shot Angel with a poisoned arrow last time she was up and about," supplies Xander helpfully.

"It's not just that." I drag Spike over to the others so they can hear. "Faith was in the dream, too. She was a Potential Slayer named Belinda – and she was the one who betrayed Eleanor to her Watcher."


	21. Chapter Twenty: This Year's Girl

By the time we've told Spike everything about Faith, it's already night. If only we had more time, but Willow, Tara and I had classes for most of the day, so we couldn't get to Giles's place to explain the latest dream until late afternoon. Then again Giles didn't get a call until after the discussion anyway, so I guess it wouldn't have made a difference…

So many thoughts and feelings are clogging my brain that it's hard to pin them all down. There's shock over the fact that she's woken up. There's guilt over what I did to her to put her in a coma in the first place. And then there's fear; not for myself, but for my friends. And Spike.

I can't forget what I saw in the dream. Faith is a reincarnation of Belinda, and Belinda betrayed me – rather, she betrayed Eleanor, but Eleanor is me and Gyffard is Spike. Her betrayal got he and I killed, and I'm not about to let that happen again.

But at the same time, I need to think things through when approaching her. After all, being in a coma may have made her re-evaluate her turn to the dark side.

"What happened exactly?" I ask Giles.

"She beat someone up," he explains, "stole their clothes and hasn't been seen since."

Xander winces from where he's sat on the couch. "I'd say this qualifies for a 'worst timing ever' award."

I have to agree. With everything else that's been going on – the dreams, the Initiative – throwing Faith into the mix isn't the greatest thing ever. It only makes me more suspicious that Faith's sudden awakening has more to do with all this than I'd wish. "Faith isn't exactly low profile girl. I'll patrol, but…I don't know what I'll do if she shows up."

"Oh, I know! Beat the crap out of her," Willow suggests. Tara looks uncertain.

"Good plan!" Xander agrees.

"And do it before she tries to hurt Xander," says Anya. "I've seen what jealous ex-girlfriends can do. I've granted their wishes."

Again, Xander winces. "She wasn't exactly a _girlfriend_; we slept together _one_ time…"

And it was one time too many. I try not to shudder at the thought of Xander and Faith hitting it off; after all, he's been behaving around me and Spike. "Good on paper," I tell Willow, "but we still have a decision to make. Do we hand her over to the cops? They wouldn't know what to do with a Slayer even if they knew we existed."

"You can say that again, luv," says Spike.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Xander begins, "but now would be a really good time for Spike to _not_ have a handicap. I mean, Slayer of Slayers vs. Crazy Psychopath Slayer? Not only would I pay to see that, but it would solve the problem pretty quickly."

The part of me that grudgingly agrees is the same part of me that wished Spike was around last year.

Spike shrugs. "As fun as that sounds, I can't exactly do that. S'posed to be one of you lot now, right?"

I'm surprised. I mean, yeah, I've noticed that Spike's been changing and helping, and he clearly has feelings for me, but admitting that he's on our side now and wearing a white hat? Well, not outright admitting to the white hat thing, but that was pretty darn close.

The others look surprised too, but they don't comment. I give Spike's hand a squeeze.

"What about the Council?" asks Willow.

"Been there, tried that," says Xander. "Not unlike smothering a forest fire with gasoline, as I recall."

I sigh. "There's no way around this. Whether I like it or not, Faith's back and she's _my_ responsibility. We have no idea where she is. We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling…"

"Who she's doing." Yeah, we know you slept with her, Xander. Stop calling attention to it. I'm not disgusted by it, because then I'd be as big a hypocrite as he was being towards me. But it's like he wants pity; like he wants us to feel sorry that he endured that experience.

He shouldn't have slept with her in the first place, so it's his own fault, really.

"She could be terrified," I continue, moving away from the topic of Xander and Faith. "Maybe she doesn't even remember? Or maybe she does and she's sorry and alone hiding somewhere."

"Perhaps there's some form of rehabilitation that we just haven't thought about," Giles suggests.

"And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid plan B," says Willow.

"I'm not gonna rule it out," I admit. If I have to fight her, then I will. Anything to protect my friends. Anything to protect Spike. "First things first, we need to find her. Then we can take it from there."

Everyone nods in agreement, and after making a plan, we leave. Anya drags Xander home with the intention of locking him up and "safely away from Faith", while Willow heads over to the dorms with Tara, talking about location spells they could try without needing something of Faith's to help.

I turn to Spike once we're outside. "Look, I really don't want you to take this the wrong way, but could you stay with Giles instead of at your crypt? It's just…with Riley out there and now Faith-"

"I get it, pet," he says, smiling kindly in that way he does that makes him look both handsome and adorable. It's a smile I never would've expected to see on him before, but it just looks so _right_. "I'd be sayin' the same, but I know you can handle yourself." He sighs with frustration, and I know what he's thinking about.

If he could still fight humans then he would be able to protect himself against threats like this. But it's taking that leap of faith and trusting him to not kill once he gets the problem fixed, and if I'm honest, I'm ready to take that leap. I've seen all his other incarnations, after all, and none of them had government tech in their brain. It's the opinions and fears of the others that I'm worried about, particularly Xander's.

"I know," I tell him.

He shrugs as if it's no big. "Don't worry your head about Faith. You'll find her and you'll stop her. That's what you hero types do."

"But stopping her isn't what I'm worried about," I say. "It's what happens afterwards. Because I don't know whether to forgive her or not, or whether she deserves to be forgiven. It all started when she killed that guy, and that was a complete accident. It could've happened to me. But she didn't take it well, and what she did after that was of her own choice, and that's what I don't think I can forgive her for. I want to, but…"

"Depends on whether or not she wants to be forgiven," says Spike. "And if she does, then I think you should. It's in your nature, pet. You've forgiven me for everything I've done – tryin' to kill you at the toppin' of the soddin' list – and not just in this life. In every life before this one, you knew what I was and that I must've done unspeakable things. And yet you forgave me and saw the man beneath the monster. So maybe you should look for the woman beneath the-"

"Psychopath?" My eyebrow rises. "I said that I want to. I really do. But it all comes down to whether or not she's willing to accept forgiveness and realize that even though how it all started wasn't her fault, she dug herself into her own grave."

* * *

"Any luck?" Willow asks the next morning as she, Tara and I walk across the campus.

"Couldn't find her." And that's probably a good thing, too. After the talk with Spike, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to act reasonably or rationally.

"At least you're not alone on this," says Willow. "I'll bet that every cop in Sunnydale is out there looking for her right now. Even though they probably wouldn't be able to handle her, like you said. But more eyes on the look-out, right?"

"The pressure's definitely high," I agree. "If I were her, I'd get out of dodge post-hasty."

We walk over to the notice board, and too late do I spot the brunette with wavy hair and platform boots and recognize her form. Faith turns slowly, and Willow and I instantly draw to a halt. Willow has to hold out her arm to stop Tara, who at first looks confused but then seems to catch on that this girl must be Faith. "You're not me," says Faith.

I swallow, biting my tongue and trying to keep cool. It wouldn't do to attack her in the middle of all these people. "Faith."

Faith looks me up and down. "So…check you out, B. Nice. The big girl on campus thing's really working for you."

I know she's trying to get a rise out of me, so I remain calm. "I've been looking for you."

She shrugs before starting to pace in front of me. "I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard did ya look?"

"Are you alright?" I ask. She _looks_ fine, but you never know.

"Five by five," she says. "That's the thing about a coma; you wake up all rested and stuff. And ready for payback."

Of course. "So much for pleasantries, huh?"

"What did ya think?" she asks. "I'd wake up and we'd go for _tea_? You tried to _gut_ me, blondie."

"You would've done the same to me if you had the chance." I need to keep my temper down. I'll admit; it's good practice in case Riley confronts me in the near future, which he probably will. If I can stand here and take Faith's crap without beating the shit out of her, then I can surely do the same with Riley.

"So let's have another go at it," she suggests. "See who ends up on top."

"It doesn't have to be like this, you know," I try. I remember Spike's words and hope there's still a bit of goodness left in Faith; that girl who tried to be my friend by sticking it to Scott after he dumped me for another girl.

"Actually, I think it has to be exactly like this." She smirks and gestures to the people around us.

"Faith, these are innocent people."

She just looks around without any emotion whatsoever. "No such animal."

"I guess it was too much to hope that you'd use your downtime to reflect and let go." Which is a shame. I could've forgiven her, but if she really wants it to be this way…

"Could say the same about you," she says with another shrug. "You're still the same 'better-than-thou' Buffy. I kept having this dream; I'm not sure what it means. But in the dream, the self-righteous blonde chick stabs me, and you wanna know why?"

"You had it coming?" Out of the corner of my eye I notice Willow gently nudge Tara out of the line of fire before taking off her backpack. She holds it ready as she attempts to sneak up behind Faith.

"That's one interpretation, but in _my_ dream, she does it for a guy." Then without even turning, she says, "Try it, Red, and you lose an arm."

"Willow," I tell her. It was a nice try, but Faith's a Slayer. I would've sensed it coming, too. Willow realizes that there's no use in trying, and backs away towards Tara.

"But then I wake up to find that this blonde chick isn't even _dating_ the guy she was so nuts about before." She's definitely trying to get a rise out of me now. I can't let it affect me, but it does. It's not the Angel part that bothers me, of course; it's the fact that she knows about Spike and knows that there's something going on between us. "I mean, she's moved on to the first vamp she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgotten about the chick she nearly _killed_ for him."

My fist clenches. "I know what it looks like, but I'm over Angel. The fact that I almost killed you for him is one of the reasons things fell apart between us. It was wrong, and I know that I realized it too late-"

"Too late?!" She laughs. "That's the understatement of the century. And I mean _this_ century, because, oh yeah, I woke up in a new _century_! Or have I woken up in a parallel world where you enjoy the dangers of _fucking_ with the Slayer of Slayers?"

"I think you should stop mouthing off about things you don't understand." That's when I hear the sirens, and I stop myself from giving Faith a satisfied grin. "Uh oh. I guess somebody knows you're here."

Faith punches me, which I expected, but it was still too quick for me to dodge. I kick back, keeping her occupied while the cops pull up. I know they can't handle her, but maybe if I knock her out and keep her down…

She pushes me away. "You took my life, B! Payback's a bitch!"

"Look who's talking," says Willow.

"See ya around." Then she turns and flees, punching one cop and kicking another in the face as she jumps over their car. I give chase, bit I'm too late to catch her. She leaps over a wall and disappears into the crowd of college kids, leaving me back to square one.

* * *

Since she was talking about Spike, it's him I go to first. Giles is out – talking with the cops about Faith, probably – and part of me is glad. I want to be alone with Spike.

I hug him tightly before locking the door behind us and explaining what happened.

"So I s'pose forgiveness is out, then?" he asks.

"Ugh!" I grip my hair and resist the urge to pull it out. "She just… She drove me nuts last year. I hated her, even though I knew what had happened and that it wasn't really her fault, but… Ugh."

Spike's eyebrow rises. "Never seen anyone get under your skin this way before. 'Cept for me, of course. What she do to you?"

"I told you," I say. "She hurt me and the people that I care about. And did I mention the psycho killer part?"

"A couple dozen times." He smirks. "Reminds me of our little fights before all these dreams started happenin'."

I shove him, but not in a playful way. "This isn't a joke. There's a criminally insane girl out there with super powers who thinks that I'm responsible for ruining her life. I know Faith. She'll come after me, and she'll come after the people that I love."

"People that you…" His eyes darken with worry and he turns to me. "Don't suppose you've called your mum and sis to warn them about this, have you?"

My eyes widen. "Mom…"


	22. Chapter Twenty One: Who Are You

**Chapter Notes**: _Finally_ I've finished this chapter. If there are any mistakes please point them out, as I haven't had the chance to proof read this yet.

* * *

Spike's hunch pays off. We get back home just before dusk, and Mom welcomes us in with a wide smile and offer of a drink. Of course that smile fades once we explain that Faith's awake and on the loose, but we try not to dampen the mood, for Dawn's sake if anything.

And then the door knocks and Mom goes to open it. I follow behind her.

She opens it and Faith's there waiting. "Hi, Joyce. Mind if I…?" She trails off when I step into view, my arms crossed.

"What is it, Faith? Weren't expecting to see me here?" I ask. "It _is_ my house, after all."

With a frustrated cry Faith launches herself inside, passing Mom and throwing herself at me. I grab her as she does before I turn and throw her into the stairs.

"Spike, get Mom and Dawn out of here!" I call out.

Faith gets up and throws a punch at me. I duck, but I don't dodge the second throw because I'm too busy watching Spike as he ushers Mom and Dawn out the door. I'm knocked across the hallway and into the dining room.

"I was hoping you'd think I'd go after Billy Idol," says Faith. "Although judging by how he's here, you _did_ think that. He's a cutie. I could give him a little role in the sack."

I use my rage to my advantage and throw it all at her, grabbing her by the shoulders. "You know, a few months ago, you would've been his type. He was into crazy brunettes."

She swings another punch, but it goes wide. "I should've woken up sooner. Maybe then he'd be helping me kill you instead of following you around like a lap dog."

"Going for the boyfriend again? That's tired." It barely registers that I've just referred to Spike as my boyfriend.

"Just something to remember me by."

She yanks my hands away and pins me up against the wall. She swings once more and I duck out of the way, resulting in her hand punching straight through the plaster. Angered by this, she grabs me and forcibly slides me across the table, but I bring her with me and we both end up on the floor on the other side.

"Has it ever occurred to you, Faith, that the reason we all forgot you is because we _wanted_ to?" If I get her mad, then maybe there's a chance I could gain the upper hand and knock her out long enough to decide what to do with her. I can use my rage to my advantage, but she never could.

And I'm right. In her anger, Faith throws a vase at me. Then she yanks out a draw, empties out all the cutlery and throws that at me, too. And then she grabs a knife from the floor and attempts to slash my face. How cliché.

I knock it out of her hand and throw her back across the hall and into the living room. I run at her, but she slams the glass door in my face and it shatters. I'm disorientated but I'm able to get a couple more punches in before there's more glass shattering, this time as a result of her throwing me into the glass-door bookcase. As I try to regain my focus I notice her take something out of her pocket and put it on her hand. It looks like it's made of metal, but I can't tell what it is; a weapon of some kind, I guess.

The front door opens and Spike hurries in. He notices the item in Faith's hand, too, but I think he knows what it is. I can tell because his eyes widen at the sight of it.

"Oh no you don't, you bitch!" With vampire speed, he crosses the room and grabs Faith's hand before she even registers his presence. He yanks the item off her and throws it to the floor before stomping on it, smashing it to pieces.

"No!" Faith looks anguished, but then anger once again takes over and she grabs Spike before throwing him across the room. "You bastard! You ruined everything!"

"Hey!" I go to punch her again, but only then do I realize that I've drastically underestimated her ability to control her anger in a fight. She grabs me and launches me in the opposite direction, away from Spike.

I try to pick myself up as I hear her taunting him. "History always repeats, handsome. Buffy ditched the last love of her life, and she'll ditch you, too. I know what it's like. You think you matter; you think you're a part of something, and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving, but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. You just keep sinking, a little deeper every day, and nobody even sees. Don't tell me you don't see it? I mean, nobody cares, nobody remembers. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to face it. If you really think about it, Buffy's too busy climbing all over her new boy toy – that's you, hot stuff – to remember Angel and what she did to try and save him."

I'm finally on my feet when I hear the sirens and spot the flashing blue and red lights outside our house. Faith notices them too, and without so much as an apology for trashing the house, she hurries through the hall and disappears out the back door.

Mom and Dawn hurry in with the cops behind them. Mom hugs me tightly while Dawn practically throws herself at a now standing Spike in relief, and I watch over Mom's shoulder as Spike hugs her back, assuring her that he's OK. He really is a big softie sometimes.

The cops pass us, hurrying after Faith, but I know they won't catch her.

Spike approaches me. "You alright?"

"Fine," I say. "What was that thing she had in her hand?"

"A katra," he explains. "A body-switching device. If she got that in your hand, you would've switched bodies in a flash and then things would've been right complicated."

I shudder at the thought of Faith in my body. What would she have done to my friends…my family…Spike…? "At least you destroyed it. But now she's pissed and doesn't have anything to lose."

"And that's just it," says Spike. "That girl wants to die."

"What?"

"You remember what I said, don't you? About all Slayers havin' a death wish? It was written all over that girl's face, and I don't think she even cares."

* * *

It's two nights of searching later that we finally find Faith. Or rather, she finds us.

When she suddenly jumps out in front of us from nowhere, my first instinct is to position myself between her and Spike. He's the one who ruined her plan to switch bodies with me, after all, so she'd go for him first.

Of course I'm right, and she grabs me before throwing me into the wall nearby. I try not to panic. Spike can't do anything because Faith is human and he can't hurt humans and why oh why did I used to think that the thing in his head is a good idea because now he's defenceless and I won't make it in time before Faith…

"You're the Slayer of Slayers, right?" Faith opens her arms wide in invitation. "So do it. Slay me."

Huh?

I sit up and turn. Faith's words assure me that she doesn't know about Spike's inability to fight back, but that doesn't make him any safer. I watch both their expressions carefully. Spike looks just as shocked as I am, and stares at Faith as he contemplates what to do.

Faith, on the other hand, is a mix of emotions. There's the oh so familiar anger, but underneath that there's other emotions; desperation, sorrow…

Spike tries to play it safe. "Why should I? I'm s'posed to be on Buffy's team now. Don't kill Slayers anymore."

Faith gives a bitter laugh. "So I'm not even worth your time anymore, is that it? Well, how about this? You kill me and do your new friends a favour. They know they have to kill me to get rid of me, but neither of them have the balls to do it. Not even B had the guts to _gut_ me properly."

She gestures to me, and my eyes lock with Spike's. I can see that he wants to help me up, but he's afraid that if he makes a move, Faith will lash out at either one of us. Instead I pick myself up using the wall as support.

"I shouldn't have tried to kill you in the first place," I tell her. "It was wrong and made me as bad as you."

"As bad as me," she mutters, mostly to herself. "Took the words right out of my mouth, B. I'm bad. Evil. You should just kill me and be done with it! There's nothing good inside of me!" Her eyes dart between the both of us, and the desperation and hysteria overtakes the anger. "Will one of you just fucking _do it_ already?!"

I'm in too much shock to dodge the fist she swings in my direction, and I fall back against the wall from the force. Faith turns to try and punch Spike, but he effortlessly brings his hand up to grab hers. "Why?"

Hasn't he already asked that?

I see what he's doing when Faith gets more hysterical. "I'm evil!" she yells. "I'm bad! I'm evil! Do ya hear me?! I'm bad! I'm bad!" She keeps on trying to hit him, but I don't have to worry about her hurting him; she keeps swinging too wide or too sloppy, and Spike has no trouble blocking every single shot she takes. "I'm bad! I'm bad, bad. Please, please, just do it."

Her voice grows quieter and she stops swinging. It starts to rain and we're all soaking in under a minute, but I don't care. My eyes never leave Faith as she turns from crazy psycho to scared little girl like a light switch.

"Faith…"

She turns to me, and then suddenly she's in front of me, her hands gripping my arms and her eyes full of sorrow. "Buffy, please, just do it. Do it. Kill me. Just kill me." She weeps, tears merging with the rain on her face, before she falls to her knees and collapses before me.

Any anger I feel towards her dies then and there.

* * *

The anger's gone, but in its place is jealousy.

Spike's talking to Faith. Alone.

I know that I shouldn't be worried. Spike is a one woman vamp, and he's proven that many times. He never cheated on Drusilla even when she was cheating on him, and I haven't seen him look at another girl since these dreams have been happening…

Still, that doesn't chase away the green eyed monster, and I know that he has to be the one to do it. He gets her. Going from bad to good is what he's doing right now – and what he's done many times before in his past lives.

Only Giles is with us in his flat. The others didn't want to come over, though I don't blame them. He takes a seat next to me after making himself a cup of tea, and sends me a comforting smile. I smile back. "So what else happened with these Council assassin guys?"

Giles has already told me about how he was visited by members of the Council – a division who specialize in rogue Slayers – the night Faith came to my house. Only hours after me and Spike had been there. To think, if they had arrived and found him there… I shake my head. I can't think about that now. They told Giles not to get in the way of them capturing Faith, and he hasn't contacted them since. Hopefully he won't have to.

"After our _pleasant_ discussion," he explains, "I asked them for a number so I could contact another division in the Council; one which I no longer have access to. I only said I would stay out of their way if they gave it to me, which they did without fuss. Once I got through to the division, I asked as briefly and as vaguely as I could if there was any information on the Slayer Eleanor Ryall. I could only ask about one; if I asked about the rest, they may have grown suspicious."

"And what did they say?"

"There's nothing else," he replies. "All the information they have is in the diary I possess. I feel that as far as that division is aware, this is the complete truth."

I don't catch what he's implying. "Meaning…?"

"Meaning this conspiracy runs deep, as I thought," says Giles. "If the Council has any information on these Slayers – if it was not disposed of long ago – then it is hidden in places not even I know of. I know a woman high up in Quentin's ranks who can be trusted – Lydia Chalmers – and if I can contact her, she may be able to help. It is quite obvious that the Council want to cover up the fact that some of their Slayers have fallen in love with vampires, and I am almost certain she will want to be part of this exposure."

"If you're sure she can be trusted." When the rest of his words process, I ask, "And if the Council have made such a big deal out of it in the past, why didn't they majorly wig when I dated Angel."

"Because he has a soul," says Giles. "These other vampires did not."

Of course. The soul makes all the difference with people like them. I can't believe I used to have the same mind set not very long ago.

The door leading to the bathroom opens, and Faith walks out first, closely followed by Spike. After briefly looking at me – a look which doesn't hide the silent apology in her eyes – Faith heads up the stairs and into the spare bedroom. Giles offered it to her until we can get something more permanent sorted.

Giles silently excuses himself and heads into the kitchen, allowing Spike to sit down next to me. Things are quiet before I ask, "How did it go?"

"She wants to try and redeem herself," he explains. "Says she heard what we said the night we found out – about wantin' to forgive her if she was willin' – but didn't want to listen until she had nothin' left to live for. Also mentioned havin' herself a dream; seein' herself in another life and betrayin' someone she called a friend…"

My eyes widen slightly. "You mean she had our dream?"

"Seems like it, yeah." Spike shrugs. "I told her that in order to earn forgiveness, you have to forgive yourself first. Stop with the self-hate and start with the selflessness."

"So you think she can redeem herself?"

He nods. "Take a look at me, Buffy. Killed a hundred times more than she has, and here I am; sat with the Slayer, helpin' her fight the good fight. It's been happening in all the incarnations; I choose to be with you instead of kill you. S'pose when you think 'bout it, tha' makes me better than the Poof. I choose the light myself instead of gettin' thrust into it like he did. And it's all 'cause of you. Bloody irony, that is. You're sunshine and goodness and everything I shouldn't want, but I do. I don't just wanna fight for you; I wanna fight _with_ you, til' the end of the world. Even if tha' happens to be tonight, or tomorrow, or in the spring where it always seems to happen for some soddin' reason…"

I smile as I reach up to cup his cheek. I can't believe how much we've both changed for the better.


	23. Chapter Twenty Two: Kinga and Khan

_I am Kinga Dubicki, the Vampire Slayer. And my life is Hell. _

_My Watcher, Cyryl Fabian, always taught me that the life of a Slayer is hard. That is how it has always been, and that is what it will always be. It was a lesson I accepted as part of my duty. Of course life will be hard when it can end every night. I understand that. _

_But life became so much harder when the Mongols came and took over our land. _

_Families separated. Husbands killed. Wives raped. My Watcher and I were able to avoid the hardest hit areas by living in solitude, but I still see it, every night when I patrol. Fabian says that it is not my duty to interfere; mine is to kill demons, and these men are not demons. They are human. And yet they do worse than most demons I see. _

_I realize this one night when I notice what my Watcher calls a Vengeance Demon granting the wish of a woman whose husband was killed by the same soldiers who then went on to rape her and her daughter. I am supposed to kill demons, but when I see the demon serve justice to the soldiers who wronged the woman – and so many like her – I cannot bring myself to do it. _

"_Smart of you not to kill me," says the demon. I hadn't realized that she'd noticed me. "Make sure it stays that way. I've got a busy schedule ahead, and that's just in this area." _

_I let her be. My Watcher ridicules me for it – as well as another man, Renard Salomon, my Watcher's assistant – but I cannot bring myself to care. _

_Even the demons have left the area. I do nothing but wander every night, not knowing where to go or what I should do. Why is the world so hard to understand? Why can it not be simple? Demons should be all evil, and humans should be all good. The repeated questions over and over every night cause me to fall into depression. _

_So much so that I do not notice that a vampire is following me each night until he appears before me. _

"_So you are the Slayer," he says as I just stare at him. "You do not look scary." _

"_I have not been able to kill as of late," I say. "No demons. But still evil. An evil I am not allowed to kill or defeat." _

_He nods. "I see." _

_We sit. We talk. He reveals that his name is Khan. Not his birth name; he named himself this after the rulers of the ones who plague this land. His brother was killed when they first arrived, and he did not care when another vampire attacked and turned him. He took the name as a reminder of what the men did to his brother, and how he will never forget. _

"_Why have you not killed me yet?" I ask him. "I would not stop you." _

"_Because you deserve better," he says. "You are young, and facing the dilemma you are now…" He trails off and sighs. I did not know vampires could breathe. "How about we wait seven days? We can meet up, talk every night, and if you still wish to die on the seventh night, then I will do it." _

_I nod in agreement. _

_We meet every night for the next seven days. We talk when we do. I share my experiences as the Slayer – training, killing demons, home life – while he shares what his life was like before he was turned. _

_We talk about how much our lives have changed since the arrival of the Mongols and how hard things are for everyone. We talk about our likes and dislikes. One night I mention Renard which causes Khan to growl. Not even he knows what came over him. _

_On the seventh night I make my choice. I do not ask for Khan to kill me. Instead I kiss him, wanting something more. _

_In speaking with Khan I have found solace; an escape from a world I do not wish to live in. He admits to finding the same in me. Only talking is no longer enough, and instead we perform the ritual my Watcher refers to as "reproduction". Although I know I will never be able to conceive children with Khan. _

_The nights continue. I go to him, we talk for a short time and then we go back to his shelter and get lost in ourselves. It is so wonderfully distracting, and I find myself appreciating and relying on Khan more and more every day. I cannot live without him. I would surely die if he died, too. _

_I love him. _

_I realize it one night when we are laying together and he is asleep with me wrapped in his arms. I do not tell him until the next night, just as we are falling into bed together. I am worried about his reaction, for I was told by my Watcher that vampires cannot feel love, even though I have seen the pain in Khan's eyes that reflect mine. The only reflection he has. _

_He smiles down at me, and my worry melts away when he tells me that he loves me, too. _

_We make love. Just as I am reaching the height of my passion, I see his demon face before he bites me. There's a little pain, but it's the good kind. My passion overflows and I cry out in wonder. _

"_Mine." _

"_Yours." I see blood on his lips and I kiss it away, feeling the connection with him almost instantly. _

_Suddenly he is forcibly pulled from me, and I scream in terror when I see Renard driving a stake through his heart. Khan turns to dust, and I am blinded by my tears – but I still reach out and grab Renard by the head before snapping his neck in two. _

_I turn in time to witness my Watcher shooting an arrow at my heart._

* * *

"It was me!"

Spike and Xander jump simultaneously at Anya's shrill voice. I just laugh, because their expressions are hysterical.

Once we've established that yes, it was Anya I saw back when she was a Vengeance demon, and that yes, mine and Spike's resemblance to our past selves is uncanny – though we've pretty much established that from word 'go' – Spike and I explain the rest of the story. Giles discovers that the Slayer was active in the 13th century during the Mongol invasion of Poland, before confirming that the diary detailing her is wrong.

My friends leave, with Faith among them. Since the Council are gone and the cops have stopped looking for her – in traditional Sunnydale cop fashion – Faith can go out without having to make a run for it. The others are still wary about her; Tara tries the most to get to know her better, with Willow following her example, while Anya just keeps getting in between her and Xander while Xander himself just tries his best to keep his mouth shut.

He was kind of offended that Faith thinks of their sexual encounter as nothing but a one night stand out of her many. It's actually pretty funny, and remembering the anger in Anya's eyes almost has me laughing again.

At least Faith now knows about what's going on with the dreams, and is willing to help. The more help we have, the better chance Spike and I have of figuring these dreams out and living – or un-living in his case – to tell the tale.

Spike gets up to go too, and panic suddenly overtakes me. "Wait!" I hurry over to him and grab his hand. "Why can't you stay here? Do you have to go? What about Riley? And the commandos? And-"

"Buffy." He sends me that irresistibly charming smile which makes my heart melt. "I'll be fine. Don't worry."

And then he's gone, and I can do nothing _but_ worry.

I take a seat next to Giles. "I'm terrified something might happen and I won't be there to save him. You probably think this is moving too fast, but… Every dream I have, a little part of me – the people I used to be – wakes up, and I fall for him a little bit more. I'm not there yet, but it won't be long now. What if I fall all the way and I lose him? Again? I don't think I'd ever be able to keep going if…" I can't finish.

Giles polishes his glasses. "It is completely understandable that you are worried, Buffy, and I completely sympathize with your feelings. But remember that Spike is a master vampire and he can take care of himself."

"He got captured before," I point out.

"The fact that he was captured before means that he will be more careful this time, therefore it is less likely for the commandos to catch him again," Giles states.

I know he has a point. I frown when something occurs to me; something I've been sun-consciously wondering for some time now. "Giles, why are you OK with this? I thought you'd be wigging as badly as Xander."

He sighs. "While I wish you had found someone who isn't a vampire, I won't deny that I can see the positives in this relationship. He shares your strength, can help with patrol, and more importantly, he can keep you alive, something which Riley would never have been able to guarantee. It is odd that I feel this way, I'll admit, since the Watcher in the dreams never accepts the relationship and always kills the Slayer."

I blink. Giles thinks he's…? "Giles, are you totally blind? The Watcher isn't you. Remember you showed up before, as the Slayer's father? You can't be both."

He pauses to think before taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes. "I'm an utter pillock."

"For not seeing that, you kinda are," I say. "Besides, technically you're not my Watcher in the sense that you're not getting paid by the Council. You don't even _work_ for them. So it doesn't count."

"I suppose." He puts his glasses back on. "But that still leaves the Watcher's identity a mystery."

I know. And I know that I need to figure it out soon, else I may lose Spike for good. It doesn't help that my birthday's coming up soon, and bad things are always scheduled to happen on that day as part of the 'Make Buffy's Life Suck' conga. I lost Angel on my birthday.

I can't lose Spike, too.


	24. Chapter Twenty Three: Goodbye England

I don't know why Professor Walsh wants to see me, especially this late in the evening. I've been handing in assignments on time. I've been turning up to all my classes, even though I don't want to because Riley's always there. So why?

Riley's present when I enter, and I wonder why. "You wanted to see me, Professor?"

"Riley informed me that you're the Slayer."

My eyes widen. I turn to Riley – who's looking both displeased with me and smug that he told someone else my identity – and then I turn back to the Professor. She's smiling, and it occurs to me then that she's part of the Initiative. A scientist, I guess.

Was she the one who cut Spike's head open and inserted the chip inside? I clench my fist so I don't get angry.

"I'm surprised he's kept his own secret for this long if he can't keep other people's," I say, keeping as calm as I can.

His eyebrow rises. "Look who's talking."

"Enough. We're all adults here." The Professor talks out a file from the bottom of her draw and opens it up on her desk. Information on the Slayer, judging by some of the words, but I can't see exactly what it says because I can't read upside down. "We thought the Slayer was a myth; a legend created by demons. If I ever imagined her as being real, I would never have thought she'd be one of my worst students."

"Charming." I'm really feeling the love in this room.

She flicks through the pages. "Enhanced strength, the endurance of ten men, heightened senses specifically tuned to track down demons… You have it all. The perfect soldier. You'll be a great asset for the Initiative."

Asset? Perfect soldier? And why's she saying that like she expects me to join? "What?"

"Imagine the demons we can capture with your help," she continues. "We are on the same side, Miss Summers. It will be beneficial to us both if you join the Initiative and we collaborate together."

"Same side? No, I don't think we are," I tell her. "I kill demons. I don't capture and experiment on them until they want to die. Everything sentient has feelings, demons included, and what you're doing to them is wrong. I'm sorry, but I can't join your little "Initiative". It goes against everything the Slayer stands for."

The smile leaves the Professor's face. "A failure in my class, and a failure as a Slayer. Why is it that you defended Hostile 17?"

Spike. She knows about Spike. I turn to glare at Riley, who's looking smugger than ever, before I turn back to the Professor with fire in my eyes. I can tell there's fire by the way she flinches away from me. "If any of you go near Spike you'll find out just what damage a Slayer can do. And if you're stupid enough to think that you and your soldiers can take me, then you really have no idea what a Slayer is. Come near my friends, and you'll get hurt."

The Professor rises from her chair. "Be warned, Miss Summers, that I will not hesitate to remove anyone who poses a threat to the Initiative's goals."

"So it's a declaration of war. I'll be expecting your surrender come morning." With that I turn and storm out the open door.

* * *

Days. It's days away from my birthday, and I can't stand it.

After leaving the campus I make for the Bronze, where I know all my friends will be – and Spike. I have to make sure he's OK; that he's still here and hasn't been captured again. Or worse, killed.

It's all happening again. I remember the pain I felt from the worry that I'll lose Angel, and in the end, I did. But I got over it. Only that pain is nothing compared to what I feel now. Like there are many inside of me all feeling the same way, adding up to an unbearable level. Which isn't that far from the truth, I guess.

I reach the Bronze in record time, and it doesn't take me long to spot the gang. Xander is sat with Anya in his lap, and Willow and Tara are sat huddled together. Faith is sat more in the corner, head down and arms across her chest, making it clear that she doesn't want to be noticed – a far cry from the way she used to be – and…

Spike. Watching the band. I sigh with relief.

I hurry over to them. Willow and Xander say something in greeting, but I don't hear them. I can't help it. All I see is Spike; he's still here, and I'm overtaken by the relief washing over me. I grab him by the shirt and kiss him, hard. He pauses in surprise at first before kissing me back.

"Look, I know I have to be OK with this, but…do they have to do that in front of me?" I hear Xander comment. I then hear him yelp, and I guess that Anya elbowed him.

I finally pull away from Spike. "Sorry. It's just… Something happened today."

He frowns. "What, luv?"

So I sit down – on Spike's lap no less, which should feel like a huge step but it really isn't – and tell them all what happened with Professor Walsh.

"Crazy evil scientist: check," says Xander.

Willow gives me a comforting look. "I thought she was OK, but now I'm obliged to hate her because she wants to kidnap and cut up your boyfriend."

"Wait, boyfriend?" Xander looks between the two of us, his eyes wide. "When did the 'b' word start getting said?"

"Around the same time I started threatening said boyfriend," Faith speaks up. "Which I'm still really, really sorry about."

"I said it's fine now," I say.

Xander rolls his eyes. "But still-"

I can't stay and hear what he has to say. I thought he was starting to be OK with this, but now he's back to making stupid and hurtful comments, and I'm afraid I'll hit him if I listen to them any longer. I get to my feet and hurry out the door, and behind me I hear Spike following.

It's quiet when we get outside, apart from the dimmed music, and Spike is first to speak. "Don't let the whelp's words get to you. I don't listen to a bloody thing he says, and I get by."

"I know, but you aren't his friend. I am," I say. "When your enemies say things like that to you, you expect it. Because they're you enemy, you know? But when your friends start saying things like that…"

"Who needs enemies?" He reaches out and cups my cheek. "He'll come around. Prejudices don't just die overnight. He needs time."

I nod. "I know. But I don't like being patient."

"Welcome to my world." He smiles, and I smile back. "Speakin' of…you think you can wait a few more days, or would you like your present now?"

Opening gifts. That's something I can do. And maybe if I open his now, nothing bad will happen on my birthday…

He takes out a box and hands it to me. It's bigger than the one he got me before, so that rules out another ring. So it must be a bracelet or a necklace. Or a watch. But why would I need a watch? I was the last to learn how to tell time in my class, and I'm not great at it now…

"Are you gonna stare at it, or are you gonna open it?"

I realize that I've been staring at the box and I look up to meet his eyes. They're playful and full of life, and my smile widens. I open the box and gasp.

It's a necklace. The pendant is a golden sun, being spooned by a silver moon. It's beautiful.

"Thought it fit," says Spike. He scratches the back of his neck and I can feel the nervousness radiating off him in waves. "You, I mean. Not, you know, in terms of size, but the theme of it. Girl and Slayer…"

"Slayer and vampire." I run my finger across the metal. "Could you put it on?"

"Sure."

I hand the box back to him before turning. Then I feel his cool hands against my neck as he places the jewellery around my neck, clipping it up at the back as the pendant lays against my chest. When it's done, his hands don't leave. They slide themselves down my neck until they grip my shoulders, and then I feel his lips against my skin. Cold against hot.

Moon against sun.

The passion within me builds. I turn to face him, and for that one moment, he's all I see. He's the only one in the world besides me, and I think how wonderful that would be if it were true. Just me and him in a world with no one else. I'd miss my friends, sure, and Mom…but I still like the sound of that.

I hear nothing else. I see nothing else. Just him. I lean in to kiss him.

I see a bolt of electricity hit him, and he cries out in pain before collapsing to the ground. Before I have the chance to respond I feel a searing pain at the back of my head and I fall, too. I feel the blood trickling in my hair, but I don't feel the pain.

The only pain I feel is in my heart, as I watch the commandos hurry forwards and grab Spike before dragging him away. Among them I see Riley trying not to look in my direction, but I know he's smiling in smug satisfaction. Because he's got what he came for, and it's not me.

Spike.

Taken.

It hits me, right then, right there, that I'm in love with Spike.

* * *

**End Notes**: In case you're all wondering, we're not anywhere near the end of this story. There's still a way to go yet.


	25. Chapter Twenty Four: The We in Team

"Buffy!"

"Buffy, wait! You're hurt!"

"B!"

I ignore their cries. I ignore their protests that I need to let them catch up.

All I can think about is Spike. He's gone, and I have to get him back. I knew something bad was going to happen on my birthday. Well, it's not exactly my birthday _yet_, but it's close.

That doesn't matter. All that matters is getting Spike back.

I storm into Giles's without knocking. I walk right over to the weapons chest as I hear him ask, "Buffy? What on earth is going on?"

I hear my friends arrive. "The commandos," Willow explains. "They took Spike."

"Oh good lord."

They keep talking, but I don't listen. I need to get Spike, and I don't care if they don't come with me. I'll storm in there myself. I'll tear the entire campus apart to find it if I have to. I'll lay waste to the Initiative until they hand over Spike. I can't lose him now.

Not when I love him.

"Buffy!"

I'm forcibly turned, and I almost lash out in anger until I meet Giles's gaze. "What?"

"Buffy, we need a plan," he explains. "We can't be reckless. That won't help Spike."

"If we just storm the place like we're on a D-Day mission, we could be overwhelmed in minutes, if not seconds," Xander points out. "G-Man's right. We need a plan, and if we can get one, an army."

"An army…" An idea hits me. "I know just where we can find one."

* * *

Willy's is twice as busy, as I hoped it would be. Demons and vampires alike have been taking refuge there during the nights in order to hide from the commandos.

Faith, Anya and I storm in. It's the first time I've seen Faith look like herself since she lost it in the rain. She's enjoying this, and I'm gonna let her. It's the kind of thing I'm gonna need in order to help rescue Spike – and to get some demons on our side.

Willy jumps when we enter. "What'dya want, Slayer? If you're here to cause trouble, I don't want it."

"Not here for trouble." I see some vampires trying to slink out the back door. "And if any of you leave, you'll be killed on sight."

They hesitantly sit back down again.

"You heard Willy, Slayer," says a demon. "We don't come here for trouble."

"And you heard me," I repeat. "I'm not here for trouble. I'm sure you all know that demons have been going missing, curtsey of a group of military men who capture them for experiments in an underground lab."

There're yells and murmurs of agreement. "You here to take us in?" asks a vampire.

"No," I say. "I'm here to say that I'm planning on storming the place. And I want to know if any of you are willing to join me."

The place falls silent.

"What's your play, Slayer?" asks another vampire. "Would've thought you'd be on _their _side."

"They experiment on demons. I only kill them. What they're doing is wrong," I explain. "And they're not just capturing the bad demons; harmless ones are being taken, too. Ones who don't cause trouble."

"She's right!" I hear a female demon call out from the back. "My mate's in there!"

"My job as the Slayer is to protect innocents, and that includes the demons that are essentially harmless," I explain further. "I have motivation. Someone I care about was taken tonight, and I want him back. I'm giving you a chance to free your loved ones; to make Sunnydale safe for your kind again. I'm accepting all of you, even those of you I'd usually kill, though that's only on the grounds that you leave Sunnydale after if you don't want to be staked."

"Or beheaded," adds Faith.

"Or however it is you die," Anya adds to that.

"But if you agree, we're all gonna have to work together," I say further. "You need to follow orders and _not_ betray me, else I'll kill you without a second thought. If you're with me, say so now, because we're storming the place tonight."

I leave Willy's with my army. Demons with loved ones, demons who want the Initiative gone…and even a few who are just bored with nothing better to do. Doesn't matter either way.

I'm coming, Spike.

* * *

Lowell house is where most of the TAs live. Ergo, that's where we hit.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?"

Faith turns to me with a smile. "You forgave me, B, even when I didn't deserve it. And Spike… He helped me see that I could be a good person again. He's…he's a friend, and I can't lose friends again. Not after I lost all of you before."

I smile, before I spot a TA walking into the building and I give her a nod.

Faith jumps out of the bushes and holds a knife to the guy's throat. "Hey there, hot stuff."

I see that it's Forrest, a friend of Riley's. "Who are you?" He struggles against her, his eyes widening when he realizes just how strong she is.

"I'm sure you've seen me on the news." She smirks. "They call me Faith. I killed some people last year. I might kill you, too."

Forrest stops struggling. "What do you want?"

I appear in front of him. "A way into the Initiative. And don't try to call for back-up. The entire house is surrounded by some very pissed off demons who won't hesitate to eat you alive."

In response to my words, a couple of vamps and a very large demon appear, all growling. Forrest flinches. "What did Riley see in you?"

I shrug. "I don't really know what I saw in him, either. So are you gonna lead us in, or not?" I hope that Forrest doesn't figure out that, right now, many other demons are finding their way in through various other hidden entrances.

Forrest glares at me before nodding. "Alright. Just don't kill me."

He leads us up the stairs and into a room. Then he stands in front of a mirror, and I see a green light flash downwards. The mirror disappears and we step into an elevator. Then it's just the three of us, and after Forrest confirms his voice, we head down.

It's silent and awkward. "Quiet night?" I ask as casually as I can.

"We brought a nasty vamp in earlier, actually," says Forrest. I see his smirk, meaning that he knows what vampire he's talking about and what that vampire means to me.

"If you've done anything to him-"

"They've probably done plenty by now." His smirk widens. "The Professor and Ri took him right into one of the labs the moment we got him here."

Faith turns to me. "You want him?"

"Not yet." My fists clench.

"And you know what else?" says Forrest. "We knew you'd come for him." The elevator door opens, and dozens of guns are pointed right at us.

"Unhand him. Then you need to come with us and-"

Suddenly the power goes out. I smile. Well done, Willow.

I hear cries in the distance, and I ignore the fact that they're human. I keep thinking of Spike as I move forwards to knock the guns out of the hands of the commandos. Faith does the same after she throws Forrest into the line of fire, taking out more.

Demons start attacking, full force. I spot Giles and Xander leading more towards the holding cells in order to let them all out. When I know that Faith can handle herself, I split from her and hurry to find Spike.

It doesn't take me long.

He's in one of the labs, lying on an operating table, conscious and obviously in pain while Professor Walsh experiments on him. She finishes doing something to his head before turning to me, but her shock doesn't have time to reach her face before I'm there and pushing her into a table of equipment and knocking her out.

I turn to grab Spike, but he's no longer on the table. Riley's holding the vampire in front of him, a stake aimed at his chest. "Take one more step…"

"You die if he dies." I know it's wrong. He's human. But I know the instinct will take over if Spike turns to dust before me – again.

"Oh, I'm not going to kill him. _You_ are." Riley takes the stake away and pushes Spike towards me. He stumbles, having not fully recovered yet. "You see, I was able to convince the Professor to take the chip out. Now he can kill people again, and if you're half the Slayer you claim to be, then you won't let that happen. Stake him, and prove whose side you're on."

Of course I won't stake him. And if Riley knew why, then maybe he'd understand. Because Spike never had the chip before in all his other incarnations. So why would now be any different? I know this, and I take a step towards him with a slight smile on my face. "Spike…"

He finally looks up at me, and I can see the uncertainty in his eyes. He thinks I'm going to…

"I won't kill anyone, Buffy." He takes a step towards me and we meet in the middle. "I can't, not now. Not ever. I…I love you." And then he leans in to kiss me.

I kiss him back before pulling away. "I love you too, Spike."

"No!" I look over Spike's shoulder and see Riley begin to charge.

I go to attack, but Spike beats me to it. He turns, and with a satisfied grin, he punches Riley in the face and sends him to the floor. Not bad for a guy who looks like he can barely stand. That's my Spike for you.

My Spike? When did I start thinking of him as that? Not that I don't like the sound of it because I really, really do…

I watch as Spike walks over to Riley. But he only gives him a kick before turning to walk back to me. "That's it?" I ask.

"Promised I wouldn't kill anymore."

And that includes Riley. He's really taking this seriously, but of course I don't expect anything less from Spike.

I lead him out through the Initiative and we try to pass the fight without drawing attention to ourselves. I see Xander and Giles hurry out ahead of us, ushering the harmless demons to safety and away from the violence. The same violence that Spike is watching with nostalgia.

"Can I join in?"

"No."

"You're never gonna let me have any fun."

"You can barely walk. No brawls until you're better."

* * *

When we get outside, I pause and panic for a moment because I don't know where to take him. Willow mentioned that she'll be spending the night in Tara's dorm, as a subtle message that our dorm will be empty, but that'll be the first place they'll look for us. Can't go home; Mom and Dawn will be there and I don't want to worry them, nor do I want them involved with this. The Initiative will track me home with ease (I'll get Giles to call and warn them, just in case). I can't remember if Riley knows about Giles's place or not, and Xander's basement isn't private enough.

So I decide to take Spike to the one place I know they can't track us – and it's the one place we both have a bad experience with.

The mansion.

Giles drives us there. Spike doesn't complain as I lead him inside. We don't stop until we reach the bedroom, and I help him onto the bed before shutting the door out of habit. Once I'm sat down I get a good look at him; he's covered in bruises and cuts, and I know that most of them didn't come from the initial attack.

Riley obviously had the chance to unleash some of his anger.

The very thought of Riley beating Spike to a pulp brings tears to my eyes, and I throw my arms around him while trying not to hurt him. "I almost lost you."

"I know. I'm here now, sweetheart. I'm here…"

I pull away and our eyes meet.

Before we know it we're kissing in a fiery passion.

The clothes begin to come off, but I don't care. I need him. I need the solace; to escape the world that doesn't accept us. Tonight, it's just me and him. Just us. It's all I need; all I think I'll ever need.

We won't Claim. I can't risk losing him, and I always do when he Claims me. For now, we'll just lose ourselves in each other.

And I know, with every fibre of my being, that Spike will still be with me when I wake up.


	26. Chapter Twenty Five: Juliet and Romeo

_I am Juliet Capulet, the Vampire Slayer. And my only love has sprung from my only hate. _

_I met him at the party tonight, which my mother had hosted in hopes that I would catch the attention of Paris Escalus, the wealthiest man in all of Verona. My Watcher, John Laurence, approved as well. He stated that the Watchers Council needs to be funded, and a marriage between me and Paris would be ideal. _

_I was uncertain at first. Would Paris be a man I could love? _

_But when I met him, he turned out to be a dead bore – and far too controlling. 'Do this, Juliet. Say this, Juliet'. I am the Slayer; I do not need a man to order me around, except for perhaps my Watcher, but I do not listen to even him sometimes. I have made my own choices on occasion, ever since he told me to kill a nest full of harmless demons. _

_Tonight had not been going well at all – until I met him. _

_Romeo. He was wearing a mask to hide his face, but he lifted it once he and I were alone together. Only to reveal a face full of fangs and yellow eyes. _

_I backed away. I took out my stake, ready for him to attack. But he did not. Instead he only stared, his demon face filled with at first confusion, before that expression melted away and became one of affection and tenderness. I never knew a demon could be capable of such an expression, but it is real. _

_Then his demon face melted away, and I was taken aback by the face I saw. _

"_Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw true beauty till this night." _

_His words, his face… I fell in love with him in that moment. _

_We hid in an empty room and kissed until the party was over. He promised he would be back later, when everyone is asleep, and I do not doubt him for a moment. I am so in love with him I cannot believe I existed without him in my life. And now I stand on my balcony, waiting for him to come back to me. _

_Why do I love him? How could I not? Maybe it is because he is everything I should not want. A vampire. One I should kill. A demon I should have killed in that empty room, when he lifted his mask and showed me the face of a monster. Perhaps it is my need for rebellion that fuels my love for him, but it must be more than that. I just love him. I do not know how or why, but I do. _

_He comes. I smile widely as he climbs up the vines to my balcony, and I kiss him with passion when he finally reaches me. _

"_My bounty is as boundless as the sea," he tells me. "My love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite." _

"_I do love nothing in the world so much as you," I tell him. _

_We kiss. I lead him towards my bed. We make love. I give to him what I have never given to any other man, for I know it is his, as he is mine. It was not a choice or a decision, for it had already been made the moment I first laid eyes upon him. _

"_I feel like I have loved you for a thousand years," says Romeo. _

_I feel the same. Like we are meant to be together. Like we have been separated for so long, and need this closeness to keep on living. Or existing, in his case. _

"_When I saw you, I fell in love," I say. "And you smiled because you knew." _

_We lie in bed together as he tells me about a vampire Claim; a form of marriage where only death can separate us. And not for long, for if one of us dies, the other will soon follow out of grief. He asks me if it is something I would like, and how can that be a question? I want to be with him for the rest of my days. His happiness is beautiful, and we make love again. And again for good measure. _

_He leaves before first light. It is painful to watch him go, but I do with the knowledge that we will be together again. _

_But then my Watcher comes into my room and changes everything. _

_He wishes for me to marry Paris. Tomorrow. I cry as I tell him that I do not love him. That I will not go on living if I am doomed to be with that man. Even my mother, who wished for it to happen, is against the idea if it really brings me that much misery. But my Watcher will not listen. I am to marry Paris, and I am to marry him tomorrow. _

_I cannot stay here any longer. I climb over the balcony and scale the vines down the wall. Men have been stationed around the grounds to stop me from leaving, but I defeat them with ease. I am the Slayer. I fight monsters far stronger than a mortal man each and every night. _

_I run. I wonder if there is a way to fake my death, so my Watcher and Paris will not come looking for me. There must be. But they will figure it out, I realize, when another Slayer is not called in my place. Perhaps there is a way for me to die temporarily and be resurrected once another Slayer has been called. Would I still be a Slayer if that were to happen? _

_I don't care. I will be with Romeo either way, and that is all that matters to me. _

_It takes me a long while to seek him out, for he did not tell me the location of his home, but I find him in the end. There are tears in my eyes when I run into his arms. When I tell him what has transpired, he cries, too. He does not want to be separated from me, either. We have only just found one another. _

_We make love again. I ask him to Claim me, and he does. _

"_Mine." _

"_Yours." _

_Stars cannot separate us. We are star-crossed lovers. _

_I am drifting off to sleep when I am suddenly pulled away from my lover. It is Paris, and he tosses me aside before driving a stake through Romeo's heart. I scream as he turns to dust. Paris turns to me with a smug expression, and I wipe it away by clutching his head and twisting his neck. _

_What greater punishment is there than life when you have lost everything that made is worth living? _

_So I let my Watcher kill me._

* * *

I really don't know what to say.

"This could just be me, but…" I bite my lip. "Has _Romeo + Juliet_ always been that…"

"Ridiculously intense?" Spike provides helpfully. "Yes."

Giles nods in agreement. "It's a common misconception that the play is a story about true love. Rather it is about young love; how it is foolish and dangerous when also fuelled by prejudice and hate."

"Guess ol' Billy Shakespeare knew what he was talkin' about," says Spike. His hand rubs my knee, and it takes all of my willpower not to jump him then and there.

We've made love so many times since the thing with the Initiative, but can anyone really blame us? It's like Juliet said in the dream; we've just found each other.

And is this just going to be a thing now? That famous romances are based on our previous incarnations? Eros and Psyche weren't that bad, and neither were Loki and Sigyn. Beauty and the Beast I understood. But Romeo and Juliet? Really? The greatest love story that's ever been told?

OK, so maybe not the greatest if what Giles says about it is true, which it kinda is…

"Hey, we're gonna go now, OK?" Suddenly Xander is on his feet, dragging Anya out the door. Willow and Tara hurriedly follow, with Faith behind them. I wonder why until I look and Spike and realize that I've been sub-consciously crawling into his lap. Ready to kiss him.

I really can't get enough of him.

Poor Giles. He's looking away in embarrassment, unable to escape since this is his home. I reluctantly pull away from Spike. "Sorry."

"Should probably wait outside, pet. So we're not tempted." I don't want him to go, but I know he's right. So I let him get to his feet and head out the front door.

I turn back to Giles. "So Juliet…"

"Was an Italian Slayer in the 14th century. 1388 to be precise," Giles explains. "She is one of the very few Slayers who still lived with a family member; her mother, Rosaline Capulet."

"Who was Mom." And the two are so alike, it makes sense. When I first told Mom about Riley, back when I first tried things with him and didn't think he was an arrogant jerk, she was happy for me. Said it was about time that I attempted to date a normal guy instead of a vampire.

But when I later told her everything – about the dreams, about Spike, about how happy I was – she was fine with it. All she wants is for me to be happy, and if Spike makes me happy, then that's fine with her. Helps that she likes Spike.

"Buffy," says Giles, bringing me out of my musings, "as happy as I am for you, I am worried…"

"About Spike's lack of chip?" I've only told Giles about that. The others don't know yet, because I want to prove to them first that Spike can be on our side without it. Once they see that, and once I tell them how long he hasn't had it for, they'll understand and accept him. "He won't kill anyone. He didn't have the chip before in all his other lives, and he was fine."

"Surprisingly enough, I am not worried about that at all," says Giles, surprising me. And probably himself, too. "I am worried that you may be rushing too fast into a relationship with him. I understand that these feelings are from before and may have always been there, but you saw what happened with your latest incarnation. And dare I bring up what happened with your last vampire lover…"

"I know what you're getting at, Giles," I tell him. And I get it, I really do. Angel and I were like Romeo and Juliet in so many ways. I used to compare my relationship with him to that play, thinking it was incredibly romantic. But if that play – and my relationship with him – has taught me anything, it's that love doesn't happen overnight. It's not about the butterflies in my stomach, the lusty feelings, everything happening so fast, or repeatedly talking about how much we love each other and nothing else.

Angel and I rushed, and as a result, my heart got broken. If we had taken it slower, then maybe I could've stopped and thought "Hey, Angel's cursed, and what usually breaks curses?" Or maybe I could've realized that we really had nothing in common and I just loved the idea of him; the forbidden romance, a Slayer and a vampire who wants to redeem himself. I was a teenager with an overblown crush, and I know that now.

Giles watches me carefully. "Do you?"

"Yeah," I say. "Spike's not Angel. What I have with him isn't what I had with Angel. With Angel, I loved blindly. I ignored his faults and the fact that our relationship was based on lust and what we only wanted to see. I didn't think; I just acted. I didn't get to know Angel at all – heck, there're so many things I _still_ don't know about him. But with Spike… We tried to be friends first. We got to know one another. We took it as slow as we could. Not to mention there're those other lives we've had which have really helped in terms of feelings and stuff."

"I understand. Just be careful."

"I know, but Giles, we don't even know who the Watcher is yet," I tell him. "Spike and I could die any day now. I haven't seen Riley since the thing with the Initiative, and that worries me. So yeah, I know we're having sex whenever we can, but we're making the most of what time we might have left. I want to be with Spike for as long as I can."


	27. Chapter Twenty Six: Wild Things

**Chapter Notes**: Sorry about the short chapter. My muse has been a pain; it wants to write other stories instead of this one. *shakes head*

* * *

Demons can be really dumb sometimes.

I told them that once the alliance to take down the Initiative was over, I wouldn't hesitate to kill them if I saw them doing anything evil. And yet there they are – or at least there _two_ of them are – doing something evil, and have the _balls_ to try and say I promised them a free pass.

I promised them a free pass if they left town. Is this leaving town? No it's not.

A vampire and a demon. A piece of cake for me and Spike. "You get Fangy, I'll get Horny." Only when the words have left my mouth do I realize the double entendre. "I mean…"

Spike just smirks as his game face slides into place. "I'm fangy now. Gettin' horny yet?"

He drives me insane. And I love him.

It doesn't take us long to take them both out. Spike expresses surprise that a vampire and a demon were together – something about demons thinking low of vampires, so I guess bigotry exists in the demon world, too – and I suggest that maybe the threat of the Initiative has brought them together.

"But the Initiative's gone now, right?" Spike asks.

"I think so. Giles is gonna give us the lowdown tomorrow," I reply. "We should probably check in with him."

And we really were going to. But I got distracted by Spike's lips and we ended up going back to his crypt instead.

* * *

"Did we really need to get the Council involved with this?"

"There was no other choice, Buffy," says Giles. We're all sat in his flat again. Kind of funny just how many times we end up here. "We simply cannot risk a chance of the Initiative returning, no matter how much it was damaged during the attack."

I shrug. "But they could've tried to bribe me to come back to them. Or they could've found out about Spike or Faith."

"They didn't, and that's all that matters," Giles goes on to explain. "You may not work for them anymore, Buffy, but you are still an active Slayer. The Council took offence when I told them that the Initiative tried to capture you, and they've shut it down."

I sigh with relief. "Professor Walsh has already resigned, along with some other teachers. Must've been scientists. I don't know about the TAs, or Riley…"

"Lowell house is having a party," says Willow. "We could go and check it out? Maybe it's a goodbye party? And if we go, they can't do anything about it, since they'll be people everywhere."

"That is an idea…"

Whatever Giles says next is lost on me when Spike secretly reaches over and begins to stroke the inside of my thigh. God, I can't get enough of him, and he knows it. But we can't just run off in the middle of a meeting, and in the middle of the day, too. We'd probably have to use Giles's room or Faith's room, which is just wrong, even though Faith probably won't mind since she's been encouraging us repeatedly…

Screw it. When I've lost count of how many times he's stroked, I grab Spike's hand and drag him up the stairs. I don't care if the others are staring at us.

Spike good. Buffy want.

* * *

So the party at Lowell house _is_ a goodbye party. Not that I really care; Riley's nowhere to be seen, and Spike keeps touching me in a really good place and doing something with his tongue on my ear that should be illegal. Not that I'm complaining.

At least the Initiative guys don't recognize us. They seem equally caught up in themselves and the people around them. Sexually. It's like someone's turned up the sex-o-metre. I even saw some guys getting off on a small patch of a _wall_. A freaking _wall_! Then there's the game of spin the bottle that's getting out of control…and did Willow just kiss Tara?

And is Faith tangled with _two_ guys? I didn't even think that was possible!

Xander and Anya groping is nothing new. I follow their example and pounce on Spike, who's more than happy to kiss me back.

"I want you," I whisper in his ear. "I need you in me. _Now_."

"Here?" he asks. "In front of all these people?"

"What better way to send these boys a message?" I tell him, smirking. "They see me with you, and they'll know how important you are to me – and they'll know _never_ to mess with me."

He smirks back. "I think they got the message loud and clear, pet. Pissed off Slayer equals demon army of vengeance."

I look around. "I haven't seen Riley yet."

"Probably scampered right quick. I would in his shoes." His smirk widens. "Fancy sussin' out his old room so we can break the bed doin' what we do best?"

Boy, does that sound like a plan. A really, _really_ good plan. Mostly because of the sex, but breaking Riley's old bed while doing it is an added bonus. I lean in so our noses touch, and I don't bother to hide the playfulness in my eyes. "That's the best idea you've ever had."

We meet in a fiery kiss, and somehow, we make our way up the stairs where Spike is able to sniff out Riley's room – and while he may be my boyfriend now, that thing he does with his nose is still really gross.

Spike kicks the door shut with his foot before he picks me up and deposits me onto the bed. I squeal in delight as he pounces and proceeds to kiss me everywhere. At the back of my mind my Slayer sense goes off, warning me of danger, but I ignore it. I'm being worshiped by Lips of Spike, and nothing can pull me away from them.

I forget how Spike's plans usually work out.

* * *

So that was embarrassing. Like, mega embarrassing.

Our sex was fuelled by depraved spirits? And they tried to use that same sex to try and escape the house? _And_ that sex could've killed us? Would've been a way to go, death by sex.

Spike and I sit in Giles's living room while he rants about the dangers of inappropriately-timed sex, and how being too caught up in one another is not a good thing. I guess I can be sorry for not paying attention to my surroundings, but I'm _not_ sorry for all the sex. Because it was good. _Really_ good. And I think Spike can agree on that.

I mean, sure; we almost unleash a swarm of vengeful ghosts. But for once in my life, 'sex' and 'Buffy' are mixy things, and I wanna enjoy that while I can. Especially since things always ended badly for our other incarnations when it came to the sex.

"I understand that you have only just "found" one another, and that this relationship is new and exciting," says Giles. "In that respect, I really cannot blame you two for all the time you spend together. But Buffy, you are the Slayer; it is your responsibility to fight the forces of darkness, and you can't do that when you're…you're…"

"Having sex?" I supply helpfully, knowing that Giles is too embarrassed to say it.

"…in the middle of a crisis."

"Wasn't just happenin' to us, mate," says Spike in defence. "Harris mentioned that he and Demon Girl had to drag Slayer Two off the boys she was groping and outta the house."

Slayer Two? Spike couldn't have come up with a more creative nickname for Faith?

"It isn't just the incident with the house," says Giles. "You have been far too caught up in each as of late, and it needs to stop if you are to prevent history from repeating itself. If your past incarnations have taught us anything, is that we need to be more aware of our surroundings and not lose ourselves in love."

"I know," I say with a nod. "It's kind of an issue with me; I fall in love, I rush in, I don't look, I get hurt."

"You and I both, pet," says Spike.

I nod again. "It happened with Angel, and it happened with our past selves. And I've learnt my lesson both times. From now on, we're gonna be more careful. But can we still have sex?"

Giles rolls his eyes.


	28. Chapter Twenty Seven: Anne and Wapasha

**Chapter Notes**: So, um...hi. Sorry this chapter took so long, but I've got serious writer's block with this story. I know what I want to write, but it's getting the motivation to write it. So, honestly speaking, there's gonna be huge gaps between chapters with this one. Again, I'm really sorry, but please note that I have every intention of finishing this story. It'll probably just take me a while.

* * *

_I am Anne Porter, the Vampire Slayer. And I am the first Slayer to set foot in the new world. _

_It was the idea of my Watcher – Jonathan Black – to venture to the new world in order to expand the Council's war on the forces of darkness. His son, Peter, has joined us in hopes of discovering various new species of demon. Most importantly, how these new species can be killed. _

_And due to the death of our parents, my sister, Dorothea, has come along, too. _

_The voyage was unpleasant, and not just because of the sea sickness. Peter continuously followed me everywhere, trying to talk to me and hold my attention. I believe that he and my Watcher are making plans for me to marry him once we have settled in the new world. It is something I do not want, for Peter is a dead bore and far too controlling for his own good. _

_And he treats my sister as if she does not exist. If I am ever to marry a man – which seems unlikely, for I am the Slayer and the Slayer does not live for very long – an essential requirement would be for him to treat my sister as if she is his own. That is something Peter does not do. _

_When we arrive in the new world we are greeted by the natives. At first there is uncertainty whether or not they are to be trusted, but soon we realize that we do not know this land and they do; they know how to grow crops, which plants are edible and what animals can be hunted and eaten. They do not waste food and they have a remarkable sense of honour and balance; that is something I can admire in them. _

_My Watcher believes that they will know the local demon population, and asking them would be far simpler than hunting the demons ourselves. With all sorts of strange and unusual wildlife, telling the difference between animal and demon would be near enough impossible. He tasks me with befriending the natives before pushing the subject, as they appear to like me and my sister better than anyone; me for my warrior's spirit, and my sister for her ability to pick up language impossibly fast. _

_I soon make a remarkable discovery. _

_I befriend a man named Wapasha, who I realize is a European man. He journeyed to the new world some years before and chose to stay. I only see him at night, and it does not take me long to discover why. _

_Wapasha is a vampire. What is shocking is that the rest of the village know – in fact, there are other vampires living among them, and human-looking demons. And some nights I discover that the demons who look the part come into the village in order to eat peacefully with the humans. The entire co-existence is peaceful; the vampires do not kill people, only feed from animals, and the demons help with the more manual labour tasks that cannot be carried out by an ordinary human. _

_It is entirely unprecedented. _

_Though there are vampires and demons who are not so friendly, I realize, when we are attacked on night and I find myself fighting back-to-back with Wapasha as we both protect Dorothea from those who wish to kill her. He treats her like his own sister, and it makes my heart soar. _

_Upon witnessing my great strength and skill, the village ask me of my origins, and I tell them about my duty as the Slayer; one girl chosen in all the world to protect the innocent from the evils of the night. They accept this, though they make it clear that I am not to kill any of the peaceful demons who live among them. I am content with this, because why should I waste my time killing creatures who do not wish any harm upon anyone when I should be focussing on the demons that do? _

_But I know that my Watcher and Peter will not be so understanding. _

_So when I report back to them every day, I lie; I tell them about the harmful demons I kill, but not the harmless ones that live in peace and harmony. I begin to spend more time in the village, and grow closer with Wapasha. Some of the other families from our landing party – those who left England in order to start over – join the village as well, drawn in by the wonderful life we are living. _

_I love my new life. And when Wapasha tells me that he thinks of his village as his family – that he thinks of Dorothea and myself as his family – I realize that I am completely in love with him. _

_Knowing that my Watcher is planning for me to marry Peter very soon, I leave him for good, along with Dorothea. Wapasha tells me of a vampire ritual – a form of marriage – that will bind us forever, or at least until one of us dies. The village holds an official ceremony for us before we retreat to our tent for the initial Claiming. _

_He bites me. I accept his Claim and swallow his blood. It tastes sweeter than the sweetest wine. _

_We awaken hours later to screams and fire. I look outside our tent and realize that the village is under attack. My Watcher and Peter are among the attackers, along with men who I recognize as belonging to the Council of Watchers. _

_It appears that my Watcher was keeping secrets from me, too. _

_Wapasha and I burst outside to protect our people, but there are too many. Peter sees us, and in a rage of jealousy, he stakes Wapasha right before my very eyes. _

_I scream. _

_In my grief I lash out and strike Peter down where he stands. His wide eyes stare back at me with lifeless shock after I snap his neck and drop him to the ground by my feet. _

_I look up, searching for Dorothea – the one person who I am willing to live for – but when I see her I feel like crying out in pain and agony. _

_She lies dead at my Watcher's feet. _

_And the last face I see is my Watcher as he aims a crossbow at my heart and fires._

* * *

I wake up to find that it's still night, and that Spike is awake next to me. We don't say anything, knowing that the talk about the dream can be saved for when we go to Giles in the morning, and instead we come together in a fiery passion that can only be born from the pain of seeing each other die.

I wake up again when it's morning, and this time the other side of the bed is empty. But since I still have slight vamp tingles at the back of my neck, I know that Spike is nearby, probably downstairs helping Mom with breakfast.

After taking a shower in order to clean up, I head down the stairs. Only I'm blocked when I reach the bottom by Spike and Dawn, who are both sat on the bottom step. And both are so obviously pouting.

I laugh.

They turn to look up at me, their pouts never leaving their faces. "There's nothing funny about the naughty step, Buffy," says Dawn.

"The naughty step?" I try hard to stop myself from laughing again. "Dawn, aren't you a little old to be sitting on the naughty step? We haven't needed to use it since you were, what, seven? The step you're sat on hasn't even been _referred_ to as the so-called naughty step since we've been living here."

"I know!" she complains. "But it was _his_ idea!" She hits Spike. "Mom and I were arguing and he came in and "jokingly" suggested that I sit on the naughty step for misbehaving."

He protests, "It _was_ s'posed to be a joke! It's not _my_ fault your mum took it seriously!"

"That doesn't explain why Spike's sat with you," I point out. "Isn't sitting on your own and reflecting on your actions the whole point of the naughty step?"

"Yeah, unless someone else is naughty, too." Dawn smirks at Spike and he looks embarrassed.

I don't try to hide my amusement. "What'cha do, Spikey?"

He rolls his eyes. "I told your mum that the 'naughty step' comment was a joke and that she was bein' too harsh on the Bit. Next thing I know she's glarin' at _me_ and tellin' _me_ off for darin' to talk back to her; said that I should be settin' an example for the Bit, so therefore _I_ had to sit here, too. I tried to argue that I was older than her _grandmum_ but then she pulled the "defiled her eldest daughter" card and how can I counter-argue against that?"

"What does 'defiled' mean, anyway?" asks Dawn.

I'm laughing too hard to answer her.


	29. Chapter Twenty Eight: New Moon

**Chapter Notes**: So for once, I have some good news about this story. I went on a mega writing spree and I'm almost done! I have six chapters left to post (not including this one), I've completed four of them, and with any luck I'll finish the remaining two tomorrow. So if everything goes according to plan, there'll be a chapter a day this week. I hope you all enjoy the homestretch!

* * *

The moment I tell Giles the name of the Slayer, his eyes light up in recognition and he immediately gets to his feet to seek out the right diary. "I have heard stories of this Slayer. She was the first to set foot in the Americas."

"And the first to die here," I say. Spike squeezes my hand and everyone sends me looks of sympathy, even Xander. It reminds me of what Willow said the other day; that she thinks I'm insanely strong for experiencing these dreams and being able to face the day even though it may bring about a similar end for me and Spike.

And I get what she was trying to say. It's horrible, watching yourself fall in love only to be killed in the cruellest way possible – right after watching your lover be killed, as well. Sometimes when I look at Spike I see him turning to dust, and all I want to do is hold him tight and make him promise never to leave me – even though it was never his fault the many times before.

Looking at him now makes me want to cry.

"The story is taught to young Watchers as a cautionary tale, so we never lose focus of our duty," Giles continues as he sits back down with the diary in hand. "Ah, here we are. Anne Porter was a Slayer in 1524 and travelled to the New World with her Watcher, his son and her sister. She was also to be married to the Watcher's son."

I bite my lip, recalling Riley's face and just how uncomfortable my past self was around him. Spike growls beside me and it's my turn to squeeze his hand reassuringly. "So what's the story?" I ask.

"The Slayer was tasked with befriending the Native Americans so she could discover what they knew about the demon population," Giles replies. "But the natives were allied with the demons and tricked her into thinking that the demons were peaceful. A vampire even tricked her into marrying him." His eyes glance up at Spike and then at me. "Judging by your expressions, I gather this isn't true?"

I'm having difficulty concealing my anger. "The demons really _were_ peaceful, and so were the natives. There were some dangerous demons, yeah, but the Slayer helped the village kill them. That Watcher and his son were just stupid…prejudiced old farts!"

Spike bursts out laughing while Giles splutters over my choice of language. "Think that Slayer rubbed off on you, pet."

Yeah, I think she did. Anne called them the same thing, I recall. But this isn't anything new; all the past Slayers have been rubbing off on my, especially in terms of my feelings for Spike. The more dreams I have, the more I fall in love with him. "That's what they are," I say. "If I wasn't certain before that these Watchers are up to something, then I'm certain now."

"I agree," says Giles. "They changed a story to suit their purposes. I theorize that they know what has been happening and they are trying to cover it up."

"Time to call _X-Files_." Xander starts humming the theme tune and gets interrupted by Anya slapping him upside the head.

"So glad I ditched those guys when I did," says Faith. When she notices Willow's wide-eyed look, she adds, "Not the 'aligning myself with the Mayor' part, 'cause that was bad. Just the part where I stopped listening to the Council."

Willow turns to Tara to explain, but before anymore can be said, the front door opens and we all look up to see who it is. Giles is about to make a comment about how his home is a _home_ and people need to knock before they enter, but his words die on his lips and no one can say a thing.

Willow is the first to speak. "Oz."

Oz stands in the doorway, bag in hand, looking like his usual Oz 'nothing fazes me' self.

"Oz…" Tara repeats, looking down. Why does she look disappointed?

"When…when did you get back?" Willow asks hesitantly. Ever since Oz broke up with her last year, I always imagined what their reunion would be like; Willow would jump into his arms happily, Oz would apologize for acting like an ass and leaving…

But there's none of that. Willow just stands there staring, looking almost as disappointed as Tara.

"Pretty much now," says Oz. He looks around and notices the new faces – or rather, the old faces which shouldn't be here. "What's…?"

"Faith and Spike are on our side," I provide helpfully. "Long story."

"I am, too!" Anya pipes up – even though she'd joined us already when Oz was still around.

Xander tries to break the tension in the room – and wow, there's actually tension now – by saying, "Oz, buddy. Hate to sound like grandma, but… You don't call, you don't write…" I think he's just happy to have another guy in the group again, because even though he's stopped being a jerk to Spike, they still have a long way to go before they become best buddies.

If they even make it that far.

"Yeah…sorry," says Oz.

"So are you…_here_, here? Or are you just passing through?" I ask what everyone else is thinking. I don't want to sound accusing, but if he breaks Willow's heart again…

"The first one." He turns back to Willow. "I'm going to Devon's to see if he's got a place I can crash. But…I was hoping we can talk later. Tonight?"

"I guess so." Willow sounds uncertain. Why isn't she happy? OK, I don't expect her to go jumping back into his arms because _he_ left _her_ – and _after_ he slept with another girl. But now that I think about it, I didn't happily jump into Angel's arms when he came back, so it must be a similar thing.

"I'll come by your place?"

"OK."

"It's great to see you guys again. Really." And with that, he leaves.

There's an uncomfortable silence before Tara leaves, too. Willow actually tries to stop her – why is she stopping her when she didn't stop Oz? – but Tara says it's OK and leaves anyway. The meeting pretty much ends after that and we all go our separate ways.

I walk through the sewers with Spike and explain in full detail what happened between Willow and Oz. He got the gist of it before, but not the whole story.

"S'pose Red's got a choice to make now," he says.

I frown. "Why?"

"It's not hard when your ex comes back and you've moved on with someone else," he elaborates. "You've gotta make the choice; get back together with your ex, even after you waited for them for so long, or stay with the person you're with now."

"Willow's got another boyfriend?"

He stops and stares at me like I'm an idiot. "Are you blind? It's bloody obvious that Red's got a thing goin' with Glinda."

Tara?

Willow's dating a girl?

Pieces fall into place and suddenly everything makes sense.

"Oh."

* * *

I think it's the story of my life to feel on top of the world only for it to come crashing down in the worst way possible.

After a night of no nightmares and lots and lots of love making, I left Spike alone at the house with Mom and Dawn – I'm not even sure _why_ we moved back there; the Initiative is gone so it's not like the campus is unsafe – and went to check in on Willow. She confirmed what Spike told me; that she and Tara are an item, and I showed my support. It's the least I can do since she's been the most vocal supporter of me and Spike – behind Dawn, that is.

But of course, according to the rules of the Slayer's life, things have to go wrong just when they're getting good.

Willow hurries up to me, with Tara close behind her, and tells me that Oz has lost control of his wolf. She explained earlier that he'd gone to Tibet and found a way to keep the wolf inside him; it worked for him last night, but something must have gone wrong.

It doesn't take the two witches long to perform a tracking spell, and my heart stops when I see Oz's location: my house.

I run so fast that I leave Willow and Tara behind in the dust.

I expect to see the worst when I arrive, and for a moment, that's what I see. The place is trashed, even more so than after my fight with Faith, and there're stains of blood on the carpet. I hear a growl coming from upstairs and hurry up.

The first person I see is Spike, and he's holding the bathroom door closed. He looks battered and bruised with blood covering his face, but for the most part, he looks OK. He's standing on his feet, and that's usually a good sign.

From the other side of the door I hear growls and snarls, now louder, and I don't have to ask to know that Oz is on the other side.

"Spike…" I begin to walk over to him but he holds his hand up, stopping me.

He points towards Mom's room. "Best you comfort them. They're scared to death."

I nod and hurry into the room. Relief washes over me when I see Mom and Dawn huddled on the bed, and I quickly embrace them. "Are you guys OK?"

"Outside, yeah," says Dawn. "Inside, not so much. I'm so used to seeing Oz all nice and friendly, and seeing him like that…"

Mom strokes her hair soothingly. "It was a shock. Thank heavens Spike was here. He got us up here safely while he fought Oz."

Like the relief moments ago, the gratitude towards Spike washes over me and I have to push down the urge to go to him and kiss him senseless. I can't risk Oz getting out again.

When Willow and Tara arrive ten minutes later and proceed to perform a calming spell to help Oz change back, I let my thoughts wander as I watch Spike comfort Dawn. He placed the lives of my family over his own existence, and while it's something Angel has done, it wasn't for the same reason. While it wasn't obvious, Angel always seemed to treat the safety of my family as an obligation; as something that came with being with me. I sometimes wondered even back then if he was only pretended to like them for my sake.

It's probably true, if Mom and Dawn's dislike for Angel is anything to go by.

But Spike… He genuinely cares about my family, and not out of some kind of obligation; like it's part of the package of me. Heck, he liked them _before_ he liked me.

And seeing him being all big brotherly with my little sister who looks so much like the sister I lost once before… I welcome the familiar feeling of my heart soaring.

* * *

When everyone is gone and Mom and Dawn are in bed, Spike finally speaks his mind. "I wanna tell you something. I've…never told anyone this before. It's personal. Not even Dru knows."

"What's it about?"

He sighs. "My mum."


	30. Chapter Twenty Nine: Elsa and Everard

**Chapter Notes**: Here's the next one! And I was able to get the final two chapters written! This chapter was inspired by a scene in **solstice**'s amazingly awesome story _A home at the end of the world_. It's a comparison I haven't seen in many Spuffy stories and I just had to include it.

* * *

_I am Elsa Freud, the Vampire Slayer. But I am not a Werewolf Slayer, so why is one trying to kill me? _

_The man named Wolfgang – which is a very appropriate name, I must say – turned into a werewolf before my very eyes, and now he is trying to kill me. It is like he does not remember who I am, or that we were having a civilized conversation just moments before. _

_I can fight vampires. They may be monsters, but at least they fight like humans. Werewolves, on the other hand, fight like animals. There is no pattern; no way to block what comes, and I fear that this may be my final battle. _

_Suddenly there is a blur and the werewolf is thrown from me. A man stands in between us, but when he turns I see that he is not a man at all, but a vampire. _

_I go to reach for my stake, but then he asks, "Are you well?" and I look into his eyes and see no killer instinct that should be there. Instead there is softness and worry, which is odd because I was told that vampires could not feel any emotion. _

_My Watcher and father, Hans Freud, taught me very early on in my life that demons cannot feel and this is what makes them evil. My fellow demon hunter, Gustav Bach, told me the same thing. But looking into this vampire's eyes now, all those teachings are stripped away because how can a vampire not feel a thing with eyes like his? _

_Wolfgang leaps at us and the mysterious vampire meets him in the middle. They fight like animals, growling, snarling, clawing, biting; everything I should expect from two animals fighting, and yet I cannot take my eyes off the vampire. The one who leaped in to save me and is now fighting in my place. It should insult me, but it does not. _

_Because even a Slayer needs help sometimes – but not all the time, something which Gustav does not seem to understand. _

_When the mystery vampire has Wolfgang in a headlock I almost cry out, but I stop myself at the last moment. Wolfgang is a werewolf, and is most likely the one responsible for the violent deaths that have been occurring in this town. It is not his fault that he turns into a monster three nights every month, but at the same time, I cannot allow him to live and continue killing. _

_It is my duty as the Slayer to do the right thing – no matter how hard it is. _

_At least I am not the one who snaps his neck; the vampire does that instead, and Wolfgang's lifeless body falls to the ground. _

_The vampire's demon face slides away and I find myself staring into the amazing blue eyes of a handsome man. I never knew a demon could be this handsome. _

"_I apologize for not introducing myself," he says. _

_I look down at the dead werewolf. "You had a good reason." _

_He smiles, and my heart melts. "I am Everard." _

"_Elsa." _

_We meet again the next night. And the night after that. And the night after that. _

_I do not tell my father, and I certainly do not tell Gustav. I cannot allow either of them to kill Everard, for he is kind, smart and a complete gentleman. He helps me fight other demons but he understands that I do not need help most of the time, and is content to just sit back and watch. _

_But part of me begins to realize that he is holding back. _

_It starts when I try to hold his hand after a patrol, and he gently and politely pulls away. He does not talk about his past as often as I do; his childhood, yes, but not his adult life and I have to wonder why. I know for certain that something is wrong when I attempt to kiss him and he stops me. He is quick to leave and I do not see him again for two nights in a row. _

_I am the one to seek him out this time and I find him in a shell of a house that has been damaged by fire. _

_At first he tells me to leave, but I refuse. I realize that he is in pain – emotionally, not physically – and while I know that I cannot force him to confess what is wrong, I make it clear that if he needs to I am right here and I will not judge him. _

_So he tells me. He explains that he was turned by a powerful female vampire who merely wanted a new "toy" to play with, but he refused as was able to stake her. The reason: Everard was married, and he was determined to get back to his wife waiting for him at home. But when he reached her and explained what had happened, she was terrified of what he had become and fled. _

_Then he did something he has regretted ever since – he found her and turned her. _

_He thought it was the perfect solution; they would never grow old and they would be together for all eternity. But when she rose, she was no longer his wife. Vampires are not always turned the same way; those with strength of will are able to retain some humanity when they are turned, while others are completely consumed by the demon. _

_Everard's wife fell into the latter category. _

_She taunted him and said hurtful things, and Everard realized that she was no longer his wife; just a demon wearing her face. And so he staked her. _

_He set fire to their house, turning it into the empty shell it is now, and almost starved himself in grief – until he saw me. _

_He says that I am his second chance to do something right in this world, and yet he still worries that he will only hurt me like he hurt his wife. He says I should call him a monster for what he did. _

_But I don't, because I understand. _

_One of my very first tests as the Slayer was to kill someone I loved. My mother was turned – and to this day I wonder if my father allowed her to be turned for this very purpose – and she was no longer my mother. She was only a demon that wore her face. My father would not kill her himself and instead demanded that I must do it; that I had to if I was to ever be a Slayer worthy of my duty. And so, crying and pleading and saying I'm sorry, I staked her. _

_I staked my own mother, because I loved her and it was the right thing to do. _

_Everard staked his wife, because he loved her and it was the right thing to do. _

_We make love in the burned out house. Everard bites me, Claims me, and I accept it. _

_But then Gustav is there, and he kills Everard by shoving a stake through his heart. I do not hesitate when I retaliate by snapping his neck in two. And my Watcher – my father – does not hesitate when he aims a crossbow at my heart and fires._

* * *

I wake up to find Spike watching me, and while the desire to have sex with him repeatedly is there, it's not as strong as it was after the last dream and instead I lean in to kiss him.

But he cuts the kiss short and looks at me with a serious expression. "Buffy…"

"Spike," I say in a matter-of-fact way, trying to turn that frown upside down.

It doesn't work. He really must be serious. "Buffy…I need you to be honest with me, pet. Do you think I'm a monster for what I did?"

I know what he's talking about. Hours ago he told me that he killed his mother – twice. The first time he turned her in order to save her, thinking that she'd be like him, and then the second time he had to because she was no longer his mother; just a demon that wore her face.

"No," I say. "You loved her. You tried to save her, and when it didn't work, you saved her again. You may have killed her twice, but you saved her twice as well. At least you saved the person you loved."

"What's that now?"

I sigh. "Those last incarnations of us were a little too close for comfort, weren't they?"

"Stop tryin' to change the damn subject and answer me, Buffy."

"I'm not trying to change the subject. We're still on the same subject." He glares at me and I sigh. "You killed your mother to save her. I…I killed Angel to save the world, not to save him."

"Still must've felt the same," he says. "And it was still for the right reasons."

"Because I had to."

Spike nods. "'Cause you had to. As did I." He looks up at the ceiling. "Sometimes I wonder why she didn't turn out like me; why she let the demon consume her."

"You said it's to do with strength of will as well as the type of person you are," I point out. "You mother sounded like a lovely women, Spike. Kind of like Mom, like you said. But maybe she just wasn't strong enough to hold onto her humanity."

"I wasn't exactly the strongest bloke around, either."

"Strength isn't always physical." Wanting to actually change the subject this time, I say, "The dreams are happening more often."

"Yeah." He nods. "You think that means…?"

He doesn't say it outright, but I know what he's implying; does it mean the inevitable will happen soon? Will Riley and the mysterious Watcher try to kill us? Spike has refrained from Claiming me because we want to put it off for as long as we can; until we know more and what we're supposed to do in order to finally break the cycle.

But of course, if what Tara says is true, the cycle will be broken anyway if the inevitable happens – and Spike and I will be separated forever.

But what can we do in order to stop this? And how long will we be able to hold out for until we can't take it any longer and Claim each other anyway?


	31. Chapter Thirty: The Wrong Vampire

OK, I'm really getting tired of the whole "Buffy's life looks good, let's make it worse" pattern the PTB seem to insist on.

We walk into Giles's flat, ready to tell him about the dream, and barely two seconds after Spike crosses the threshold he's grabbed and pinned against the wall violently.

Panic seizes me, and I don't even check to see if it's Riley doing the pinning; I grab him and toss him across the room, ignoring the crash of the coffee table breaking as he lands on it. Immediately I hurry to Spike's side. "Are you OK?"

"Fine." He smirks. "When do I get a turn at Toss the Peaches?"

"I was about to ask the same thing," says Xander from somewhere behind me.

"Peaches?" What do you…?" I turn as I ask, but my voice trails off when I look over and realize that it wasn't Riley who I tossed, but Angel. "Oh. Oops."

Spike shrugs. "Not complainin', luv."

"My only complaint is that I spent good money on that table," says Giles.

Angel stumbles to his feet and slides into game face. Tara gasps and Willow places herself in front of her girlfriend, while Xander pushes Anya behind him. Faith looks like she's trying to decide whether or not to take out her stake. I notice that Cordelia is there, too, and she doesn't look impressed.

"Buffy, what the hell is Spike doing here?!" Angel demands. He strides over to us, and I notice that he's taken a stake out of his pocket.

In seconds I have him pinned against the wall where Spike was, with the same stake in my hand and pointed at my ex-boyfriend's heart. "Don't you _dare_ show up in my town and start making demands! Didn't you learn your lesson last time? There's a reason Spike's here, and I'm not gonna tell it to you if you're yelling demands and trying to stake people randomly!"

Angel looks shocked but he relents all the same, and I let him go. But I keep the stake, because I know him and I know how he's gonna react once we tell him the truth. "OK. Sorry. Cordy had a vision; she saw you in trouble."

"And somehow Spike was involved," Cordelia adds. "I didn't see everything and we assumed he was the one causing the trouble."

"No, Spike's the one helping me against the trouble," I say. "It's a long story, and we should all sit down for this."

"This is gonna go over well." Cordelia's voice drips with sarcasm, and I can't help but agree with her. Angel and Spike in the same room never ends well – and with the story I'm about to tell, this can only end in disaster.

* * *

I'll give Angel credit; he stayed silent a lot longer than I thought he would.

But when we get to the bit about the Claim and that this is my last chance to get things right with Spike, he leaps to his feet in rage. "I won't accept this!"

I stand as well and give him my usual 'seriously?' look. "I never asked you to accept this, and I don't give a damn whether you do or not. It's not your decision; it's mine and Spike's."

"Buffy, think about what you're doing here," he says. Was Angel always this condescending? "You're throwing your life away for _Spike_. Just because you're sharing dreams with him doesn't mean you two are destined for each other. This isn't love."

I roll my eyes. "The dreams aren't forcing me to be with him, Angel. They're showing me the kind of man Spike is; the many versions he used to be, and the many lives I used to lead. Every time I have a dream, it's like part of myself wakes up. The dreams didn't force me to do anything; I fell in love with Spike all by myself."

Out of the corner of my eye I see Spike smirk – which is sweet and sexy all at once but I _so_ don't need him making things more complicated than they already are – but all my attention is on Angel and the emotions that cross his face; distraught, confusion, and then anger. He goes to move past me to get at Spike again, and once more I pin him against the wall and point the stake at his chest.

"I swear to god, Angel, if you even _look_ at Spike funny, I'll be fitting you in an ash tray." He opens his mouth to say something but I interrupt with, "And don't say you won't do it, because I will. I killed you when I loved you. This time will be a piece of cake."

I back up, and he must have some sense because he doesn't go for Spike again; he doesn't even look at him. But he's still an idiot, because he says, "Buffy, you're confused." And the condescending tone is back. Seriously, how did I ignore that when I was in love with him? "You must be mistaking Spike for me."

I stare at him. And then I laugh. "OK, seriously? I just told you that I see Spike's face. What makes you think that you're the vampire in my dreams?"

"Because it's destiny," he says. "You're my destiny, and I'm yours."

OK, that's it. I punch him hard in the nose, and he recoils back in pain. "Stop being such a condescending possessive idiot! I got enough of that from Riley! And how the hell are we each other's destiny?! You _lost your soul_ when we slept together, I _killed you_, and then you _left me_! _How_ is that destiny?! It's not true love; it's not even moderate love! It's a train wreck!"

"You killed me because you had to, and I get that." OK, so at least we're on the same page with one thing. But trust Angel to make things worse. "I lost my soul because of the curse; it was the fault of neither of us. It's what keeps us apart, and it's one of the reasons I left. I also wanted you to experience a normal life."

I bite my lip to stop the rage from boiling over the top. "One: When will my life _ever_ be normal? Two: I'm the Slayer, so stop treating me and talking to me like I'm an incompetent child. And three: The curse doesn't keep us apart. _You_ do. Sure, you lost your soul, but if Spike and these dreams have taught me anything, it's that you don't need a soul to love. When you lost your soul, you lost your ability to love me. What does that tell me? That you don't love me as much as you claim to."

"No, that's not-"

"Then why didn't you love me? Why can Spike love me without his soul and you can't?" Angel looks down. "That's what I thought. And all this talk of destiny makes me think that you only love the idea of me; that I'm your redemption, the reason you fight. It makes sense; take that soul away, and the desire to redeem yourself goes away, too. You only see me as the Slayer; a force for good who needs a Champion to guide her. Well, newsflash, Angel: that's not who I am. You really don't know me, and I don't know you. I'm not your destiny, and you're not mine. If I believed in that sort of thing, then I'd say that Spike is mine."

At the mention of Spike Angel's eyes darken as they rise again to meet mine. "I can't accept that. I _won't_. You're good and pure; something Spike will _never_ deserve. Something's happened here, and I'm going to find out what. But I _will_ make you see reason, Buffy. Even if it's the last thing I do."


	32. Chapter Thirty One: Cosette and Marius

Angel storms out of the flat and an awkward silence settles over us. Cordelia is the first to speak. "Well, Mr. Tall-Dark-And-Broody just made an ass of himself."

"_Finally_ everyone sees what I see," says Xander. "I saw this right from the beginning, but did anyone listen to me? No. All they saw was the face of an angel, fell in love with the broody anti-hero act and I was left behind in the dust." Anya rubs his shoulder, assuring him that if she had been there, she would have believed him.

"He definitely nailed his performance," I agree. I can't help but think back to all our interactions and notice that they seemed _rehearsed_. Spike told me at Christmas – when the two of us were trying to be friends and things were simpler but not nearly as nice – that what Angel did to me was something he used to do to girls back when he was evil, and I find myself agreeing that while Angel has changed sides, deep down he hasn't changed his nature.

Willow looks apologetic. "Buffy, I'm really sorry I gave you all those support-o speeches about getting together with that poophead."

"A literal one," Spike adds. "Have you _seen_ the colour of his hair?" That gets a smile out of me.

"I don't know if I'm crossing any lines in saying this, but…" Faith turns to me, "you should've let my arrow kill him, B."

"Kinda in agreement with you there, actually," I say as I touch the scar Angel left behind when he almost killed me. I'm really looking forwards to the day when Spike can bite over the scar and erase it from existence.

Giles speaks up. "Despite my enjoyment in listening to this, there are other things to discuss."

I nod, remembering the real reason why Spike and I came here in the first place. "Right. The dream we had last night." I try not to look at Willow, because the werewolf in my dream was Oz – or at least, an incarnation of Oz.

Even if I _did_ mention it, I don't think it would hurt her. Oz is gone again, because Willow chose to be with Tara, and thankfully Oz understands that she's moved on and has left to do some 'moving on' of his own. If only Angel could be that understanding.

I explain the dream and Giles finds the right diary. "Elsa Freud was a German Slayer in the 17th century and died in 1632. She was also the daughter of a Watcher named Hans Freud; he was very well respected at the time. He trained his daughter since birth and her first kill as a Slayer was…her own mother, who had been turned."

"Her Watcher pretty much forced her to do it." I can't call him her father; he never acted like one. "I wouldn't be surprised if he purposely let the mother get turned just to give Elsa a proper test."

"Pillock," says Spike.

"So do you know who the Watcher is yet, Buffy?" asks Willow.

I shake my head. "His face is still blurred. Not a clue."

"You don't think…" Xander's eyes light up. "Now, don't call me out on wishful thinking here, but could it be Angel?"

I blink. "Huh?"

"I couldn't be Angel," says Willow. "He's a vampire, not a Watcher."

"But he acted like it sometimes," Xander points out. "He helped with training, told her where to point her stake, and then there's that condescending attitude he's got going on, not to mention a hatred of Spike."

"Sometimes he was almost Buffy's second Watcher," says Giles thoughtfully.

The more I think about it, the more it adds up. In parts, anyway. There're still some questions that need answering, but at the moment it seems plausible. "So now _both_ my ex-boyfriends have killed us in my past lives. You were right before, Spike; I have a tragic taste in men. Present company excluded."

He smirks. "As much as I would love for it to be Angel, we don't know that. You knew it was Cardboard because you felt the familiar rush of panic when he tried to kill me. You obviously didn't feel that when Peaches tried to do the same."

He's right. I didn't. "Unless I can only feel it if he's trying to kill _me_?"

"I think it is best that we do not jump to any conclusions until we are certain," says Giles.

I nod. "Good plan." But it doesn't stop the worry in my chest. Not at the possibility that Angel could be the Watcher who's killed me over and over – but at the possibility that even if he isn't, he could do the job for him.

* * *

_I am Cosette Valjean, the Vampire Slayer. And I am in the middle of a revolution. _

_It is my duty to slay the vampires and monsters of the night, but my Watcher, Victor Javert, has tasked me with another duty; to protect the French aristocracy from the revolutionaries who want to kill them. _

_This should be the right thing, protecting the innocent, but I am torn. Because are the rich really innocent? They drown in riches while the poor drown in their sorrows, starving and ill because they cannot afford a better life. That is what the revolutionaries are fighting for; a better life. _

_Yet my Watcher's word is law, and I must obey. Though the desire to disobey him grows when I hear that he has promised my hand in marriage to a young aristocrat named Brujon Thenardier. _

_I am escorting a rich gentleman to a safe house when we are attacked by two vampires, male and female. The short, blonde female chases down the man while I am left the deal with the male. He's tall and would be considered handsome if he were human. _

"_You're a spry little thing, aren't you, Slayer?" he speaks in poorly garbled French, with a thick foreign accent which I think is Irish. _

"_You will not be smiling for long when there is a stake in your heart," I tell him. _

_He smirks. "Try your luck." _

_I try, but he's strong, and for the first time I think I need help killing a vampire. Help comes in the form of a man – no, another vampire – leaping down from the roof of a building and landing on the back of my opponent. He snarls and hisses as he fights back, but it is obvious that the newcomer has more experience with fighting and my opponent is defeated. _

_He hurries in the same direction as his female companion, and I wonder if she has killed the man I was supposed to be protecting. Strangely I do not feel any sympathy for what the revolutionaries would call a "fat cat". _

"_You should not have confronted him alone," says the newcomer. "That vampire is bad news." _

"_And you are not?" I ask. _

_He shakes his head. "I fight a different fight." And for the first time I notice him wearing a revolutionary's rosette. _

_A vampire fighting for the revolution? It should confirm my Watcher's words – that the revolution is evil – but somehow it does not. Instead it proves to me that the revolution is a battle worth fighting, because even the vampires think so. _

_Instead of returning to my Watcher, I go with the vampire – who introduces himself as Marius – to the barricades and meet all the other revolutionaries. They are not the bloodthirsty men that my Watcher warned me about; they are only ordinary people who have fallen into poverty and wish for things to be made right. They only wish for justice to be served, and I cannot fault them for that. _

_I fight with them, because it is the right thing. Yet I cannot bring myself to kill, because most soldiers we fight are only following orders and have families of their own to return home to. Marius is not so understanding; he says that he protects his own, and his own are the revolutionaries, be they human or vampire or any kind of demon fighting alongside us. He does not care for the soldiers, and so he kills them. _

_This does not bother me, however. I know that it should, but it simply does not. Marius is my shadow. He is like me, only darker. The Yin to my Yang. Different, but one of the same. And this draws me to him. We complete each other, especially when we fight. _

_The night before the fight – the big one, the deciding battle that wins the war – I realize that I am in love with Marius and tell him so. He tells me the same; that he is in love with me. We sleep together. He bites me. I accept it. We connect and become a true Yin and Yang. _

_We wake up to fighting. The battle has started earlier than expected, but we join the fight, anyway. Marius and I are separated, and when I finally make my way to him, I watch in horror as he turns to dust at the hands of Brujon. _

_I kill Brujon in my grief. And then my Watcher responds in kind. _


	33. Chapter Thirty Two: Realizations

Two dreams in two nights, but that's not what Spike and I are talking about.

"So are we, like, the reincarnations of every famous couple ever?" I ask Spike. "I didn't even know _Les Misérables_ was based on a true story!"

"I'd say very loosely based; in name only, perhaps." We're on the way to Giles's flat, ready to explain, and even though it's day I can't help but keep looking over my should in case Angel suddenly appears. Spike must've noticed. "Doubt he'd get us now. Too soon. And speakin' of the bugger…"

He doesn't have to say it. I had the same dream as him, after all. Angel was in it, but not as the Watcher. He was himself – or rather, he was Angelus. He was turned sometime in the 1700s, and the French Revolution happened towards the end of that century – thank you, World History class I actually managed to pay attention to – so yeah, it was definitely him. It debunks the Watcher theory…but it also gives us some evidence to use against Angel and his doomed quest to prove that he's the vampire I'm supposed to be in love with.

God, if this had happened when I was still in high school and if Angel was actually the vampire who loved me over and over, I'd be all starry eyed and spewing crap about how god damn romantic this all is. Now… OK, I still think this whole thing is romantic, but in a completely different way. In a real way.

There's no guarantee of a Happily Ever After, but I'm in love anyway because it's an amazing feeling that anyone would want to experience before they die. And while I really, _really_ don't want either of us to die, if we do then at least we got to spend some time together. And having those memories deep down inside me might just be worth eternity alone.

Oh, who am I kidding? Eternity alone? I'm _so_ not dying and neither is Spike.

I wish these dreams started when I first met Spike. Why didn't they again? Oh yeah, because he wanted to kill me and I wanted to kill him.

My life's a mess. What an understatement.

We arrive at Giles's place and find everyone there – including Angel. He walks towards us and doesn't say anything; instead he blows dust in our faces and says something in another language.

I cough, waving away the dust, and notice that Spike isn't really fazed but it. Must be all the smoking. "What the hell was _that_ for?!" I demand.

"Do you still love Spike?" he asks.

"Err, yes!" I tell him.

"See?" says Willow from across the room. "She's not under a spell or a thrall or whatever it is you called it."

"Her aura w-would have b-been different, anyway," Tara adds.

Angel angrily chucks the bowl over his shoulder and Faith uses her Slayer reflexes to catch it. "No! Something's wrong! He can't be the vampire from the dreams! It's me!"

"Actually, it's not you," I tell him. "And this time we have proof from dream land."

Xander looks hopeful. "Does this mean Captain Dead Boy is the Watcher?"

"Unfortunately no," I reply. Xander shrinks in disappointment and Anya gives his shoulder a reassuring rub. "But we saw him as Angelus."

Angel blinks in surprise. We use the opportunity to walk past him and take a seat on the couch. "Go take a look in the diaries from around the time of the French Revolution, Watcher," says Spike.

"Her name was Cosette Valjean," I supply. "I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that according to the diaries, she was a traitor to the Watcher's Council by joining the barbaric revolutionaries against the innocent aristocracy."

Spike chuckles. "Spot on, luv. But it might not say anything at all. Our incarnations based on famous figures have never been mentioned in the diaries."

"Famous figures?" asks Cordelia, who I notice for the first time has joined us once more.

"Cosette and Marius." At her blank expression I add, "_Les Misérables_?" Still blank. "OK, how is it I know that and you don't?"

"It was a book that was turned into a musical," Willow explains to her.

Giles finds the right book. "Her name is not mentioned, but there is a footnote between her predecessor and her successor. It is brief, detailing what she did and that her name does not deserve mentioning because of her treachery."

"Does every Watcher have a bug up their arse?" At Giles's glare Spike adds, "'Cept for you, Rupes."

"Is there a date?" I ask.

"No, but her successor was called in 1792, therefore that is the year when Cosette died," Giles reasons.

I turn to Angel. "Any of this starting to sound familiar to you? Can you remember threatening to kill a Slayer during the French Revolution? One who looks like me?"

Recognition begins to cross his face, but it's slow coming. "Darla and I were in France during the Revolution…and I remember when we ambushed one of the aristocrats who was being protected… Darla chased him while I dealt with…" He looks at me with wide eyes. "It was you. You were there. And…" He turns to Spike. "You were there, too."

Xander nods and does his best Dorothy impersonation. "And I was there, and Ahn was there, and Willow, and Tara, and Giles, and Faith, and Cordy-"

"I was there?" Cordelia asks.

"Not in this dream. You were in another one, though," I tell her.

"Oh." She looks hopeful. "Was I a princess?"

Before Xander can correct her Spike interrupts with, "Can we get back on track?"

"Right." I turn back to Angel. "Convinced that the whole 'destiny' thing is a load of crap?"

He doesn't look angry anymore. Just upset. "Buffy…"

"Look, I can't be mad at you for loving me, but you need to move on," I tell him. "I have, just like you told me to. What I felt for you, Angel… It may have been love, but not the good kind. It was messy and confusing and only what I _thought_ love was instead of what it actually _is_. I was just a child and I loved like a child. What I felt for you was my first reaction to love; something scary and something exciting, and that blinded me a whole damn lot. But now I know what real love is," I take Spike's hand in my own, "and all I ask is for you to move on and discover the same thing."

The hurt is still there in his eyes, but also…understanding. "I can't move on, Buffy."

"Love isn't always about sex," says Spike. "If you find real love, then it won't matter."

I agree with him. Even though the sex is really good, if something ever happened to Spike and he couldn't have sex anymore, then I won't stop loving him. I'd make it work. Because that's what love is all about.

Angel nods. "Moving on. I…I can accept that."

I don't have time to feel proud of him, because Willow suddenly pipes up with, "Hey, guys, hasn't it been twelve dreams now? I've been counting in my head, and…"

I count, too. Boudicca and Brennus, Psyche and Eros, Marcellina and Flavius, Primrose and Leanian, Alys and Brom, Sigyn and Loki, Eleanor and Gyffard, Kinga and Khan, Juliet and Romeo, Anne and Wapasha, Elsa and Everard, Cosette and Marius… Twelve Slayers. And I'm unlucky number thirteen, the last try to get things right. No pressure.

"So we're not gonna have any more dreams," I say aloud. "What happens now?"

Before anyone can answer there's a knock at the door, and Giles goes to answer it. He lets in a blonde woman wearing glasses and a casual suit. She looks…like a Watcher. Not a conventional Watcher, since she's not a man nor is she old, but a Watcher all the same.

Spike starts to growl but Giles gestures for him to calm down. "There is nothing to worry about. I have mentioned before that I have a friend on the inside back in London, and this is her."

"Lydia Chalmers," she introduces herself. "Mr. Giles asked me to help solve this mystery, and I believe I have found what we need."

She places a large brief case on the table and we all gather around as she opens it. Inside are several diaries – twelve, to be exact. We take them out and begin to look through them, and when I start reading the one in my hand I realize what Lydia has found.

Giles speaks first. Or at least tries to. "These are…"

"The missing diaries," says Lydia. "It took me a while to find them, but once I knew what to look for, they were easily uncovered. Everything is here."

She's right. Everything's here. In each diary I look in I find the truth; what really happened. I can't imagine how the Watchers were able to discover what really happened to me, since most of the interactions happened with no Watcher in sight, but they're still here. Proof that all those dreams are real.

That what I feel for Spike is real.

"Does anyone else know about these?" I ask.

Lydia shakes her head. "No. They have been locked away in the Travers family vault for who knows how long."

Travers. Quentin Travers.

The man who tried to kill me last year with the test on my eighteenth birthday.

The man who seems to have it out for me.

I see it all again; the dreams, my deaths, and in the place of the Watcher I see Travers, killing me over and over. Travers is the Watcher.

How did I not see it before?

I don't realize I've collapsed onto the couch until I hear Spike's voice in my ear, trying to bring me back to reality. I jolt back with a gasp.

"Buffy. What is it, pet? Are you alright?"

"I…" I take in a deep breath to calm myself down. "I know who the Watcher is. It's Travers."

I watch as the information dawns on everyone; their eyes widen with realization, and Giles looks like he wants to break out the wine in celebration. But there are three people who look confused, and that's Tara, Anya and Spike.

"Who's that?" asks Anya.

"The Head of the Council," I tell her.

"The Head Wanker himself?" asks Spike.

I nod. "Track record includes trying to kill me last year with that stupid test, firing Giles and just being a big pain in the ass burden."

"So it's alright if I kill him?"

"I'll proudly call you my son-in-law if you do," says Giles.

"So we know who's who," says Xander. "What now?"

The question is answered by a chillingly familiar laugh at the door – the door that's still open. But the unexpected guest can't get in.

Because it's Drusilla leaning against the doorframe, smiling like the crazy vampire she is.


	34. Chapter Thirty Three: Love

**Chapter Notes**: So I decided to do a double posting today because the epilogue is pretty short. For those of you who are waiting, the next chapter for _Love Never Dies_ should be coming soon.

* * *

Spike and I stand outside Giles's place in silence. Awkward silence.

What else can be expected, with Spike's ex-girlfriend inside and her _not_ trying to take him away?

I don't even get _why_ Drusilla is here. She's supposed to be evil, right? And when she appeared in the dream she ordered one of Spike's previous reincarnations to kill me. What gives?

"So, err…" I bite my lip. I'm not sure what to say. "Do you have any idea what Drusilla was rambling on about?" I know we should have this discussion with the others, but they're just as wigged. I can imagine the scene now; everyone sat in silence with Drusilla grinning madly at them while fawning over an awkward-looking Angel.

"Sometimes not even _I_ had a bloody clue was she was goin' on about," Spike admits. "But I think I got the gist of it this time. She was sayin' something 'bout black and white destroyin' each other when they meet; darkness consumin' the light, the light outshinin' the dark. Then there was something about dark and light joinin' together like Yin and Yang."

I nod, not only recalling Drusilla's words but what happened in the latest dream, as well. Cosette said that Marius was her shadow; the dark to her light. I touch the necklace that Spike got for me; the sun and the moon. Hot and cold. Me and Spike. We are the same but different.

Spike is my other half; the part of me I never knew was missing, at least not consciously. Deep down part of me always knew. Even when we hated each other and fought one another I always felt…complete when Spike was around. To think that for so long I thought Angel was the one simply because he was the first guy I met who I loved. It was a childish view of love, and I'm over that now.

Spike and I… I think this is what a 'forever' relationship is supposed to feel like.

But it's not forever yet.

"Joining…" It registers what Spike said. "Does that mean she's telling us to…?"

"Think so." He nods. "Would make sense. The dreams are over now. What else is there left to do?"

I give him a 'seriously?' look. "How about taking care of Riley and Travers _before_ they kill us? They always do. Maybe that's what the dreams have been trying to tell us; to take care of that little problem before we get groiny with each other."

"We've been gettin' "groiny" for _weeks_ now, luv," Spike points out. "Little late for that. And I really need to get you a bloody dictionary."

I roll my eyes. "Spike, the reason we haven't Claimed is because we don't want to tempt fate. And I don't care if the dreams are done, or that your _evil_ ex-girlfriend seems to want it. As much as I hate saying this, there'll be no Claiming until Riley and Travers are far, _far_ away from your stakable chest."

"And my "slappable" arse?"

I slap his arm. "Don't mock me. And don't tempt me."

"I'll try not to," he says. "Probably for the best. My fangs itch to come out and sink themselves into your biteable next every time we make love. The demon knows your his mate and he wants to Claim you as his. It gets harder every time."

"So no sex, either?" My face falls. "I'm starting to rethink this 'no Claiming' tactic. And I can't decide if you calling your demon 'him' is any weirder than guys who say the same about their penises."

"'Cause some of us need a licence for them." He smirks that really sexy smirk of his and I realize just how hard it's gonna be to not let him Claim me – and to not have sex with him.

It's official now. My life sucks.

And I realize that it's about to get worse when my Slayer senses go haywire – and not because there's a demon about.

It's something else.

Actually, some_one_ else. Someone familiar.

"Buffy." I see Giles inside his flat, walking towards the open door. "Drusilla's gone. We don't know how because we were watching her the entire time-" He's cut off suddenly when he hits an invisible barrier at the threshold of his home. He falls backwards while unleashing a string of curses I never knew him capable of, and everyone rushes to his aid. Angel tries to get through the door but he bounces off the barrier as well, only he's able to keep his balance.

It's like the magic that keeps vampires out of people's houses. Only it's working the other way around – and on humans, too.

Before I even realize I'm doing it I leap on top of Spike and we both fall to the ground. As we fall I feel the slight breeze of an arrow flying over us, and once on the ground I look up and find an arrow embedded into the wall.

Crap.

I get to my feet and help Spike up as well, before we turn and see Riley appearing from the shadows. He's armed with a crossbow and a stake, but he tosses the crossbow to someone else and takes out the stake ready.

Travers appears as well, now armed with Riley's crossbow, and under his arm I see a spell book. He must've been the one to cast the spell on Giles's apartment to keep everyone in.

I try to push Spike behind me, going against his effort to put me behind him, and in the end we silently agree to just stand side by side, facing this threat – that's ended us twelve times already – together and head on.

"Twelve times you will meet the Gift of the Slayer, and twelve times you will return. The thirteenth try will be the hardest, in a time when one has become two." It should be surprising that Travers knows those words, but if the hidden diaries prove anything, it's that he knows more about this than probably we do. "For generations my ancestors have worked hard to destroy this infection to the Slayer line, and now it is my duty to eradicate it from existence."

Riley turns to him. "Remember our agreement."

"Of course." Travers nods towards Riley before he turns back to address me. "There may be a chance for you to live, Chosen One. If you allow us to kill your vampire _toy_, we will spare you."

"And we can be together," says Riley. "The way it should be."

I grip Spike's hand tightly and spit on the ground. "I'd rather die."

Riley looks disappointed while Travers sighs. "As you wish."

I prepare myself to fight Riley – he's always the first to attack, he always kills Spike, Spike is always the first to die – and for a moment it looks like Riley is going to charge with his stake raised at the ready. But then I see a flicker in the shadows and Riley suddenly freezes with a gasp. Travers sends him a look of confusion before his eyes widen at something I can't see from here.

Riley stumbles further towards us and then I can see what's got him; Drusilla is behind him with her fangs in his neck, sucking the life out of him. Giles tried to tell us a minute ago that she was gone; had vanished suddenly without warning. She must have sensed the arrival of Riley and Travers and got out before the latter could cast the spell.

Speaking of spells… I hear Willow and Tara chanting inside the flat, and with a sudden flash, the spell is lifted. The others hurry out and crowd around us, stopping Travers from getting a clean shot.

"Go!" Xander yells. It warms my heart to know that he's really on our side.

I don't want to run. I want to keep Spike safe, but if my friends get hurt…

"They'll be fine, luv," Spike assures me, giving my hand a gentle tug. "They're a tough bunch. Come on."

Spike and I run back into the flat, and Spike is able to yank the back window open so we can climb through. Spike goes through first and I follow.

Suddenly Spike's arms encircle around me and he presses his front against my back, turning me so I'm facing the window. "Bugger."

I'm about to ask what's up when a voice commands, "Step away from the girl."

Bugger is a massive understatement.

I'm able to look behind me and see more members of the Council, aiming crossbows – at Spike.

I quickly turn and use my weight to pin Spike against the wall. "If you want to kill him, you're gonna have to kill me, too."

The men hesitate. So Travers didn't tell them this part of the plan. They're fine to kill a vampire, but not a Slayer. That makes things easier. Maybe if I explain what's going on they'll back down?

"What are you doing?" Travers appears suddenly, and I have to wonder how he got here so fast. Weren't the others supposed to keep him occupied? Or did he do another spell? "Kill her!"

The men still hesitate. "Sir?"

Travers opens his mouth to order them again, but a gunshot goes off and he chocks. I watch as blood starts to seep through his shirt before he falls to the ground. The other men stare in shock while I turn to see who fired the shot.

It's Giles, standing with a pistol in his hand. "Silver bullets," he explains. "Never know when you'll need them."

That probably has some significance but I really don't care. I turn and hug Spike and he hugs me back; we're hugging so tight that if either of us were normal we'd break each other's spines. Then I cover him with kisses and he responds in kind.

It's over. And we're both still here.


	35. Epilogue: Buffy and Spike

I am Buffy Summers, the Vampire Slayer. And I am in love with a vampire named Spike.

Twelve times I have met the Gift of the Slayer. Twelve times I have returned. Twelve times I fell in love with a vampire.

The thirteenth try really was the hardest. When I met my lover – my other half – I hated him and he hated me. He was in love with his sire, and I was in love with hers. I fell in love with the wrong vampire, and for a time, that mistake kept us apart.

But we found each other. Because we always do.

I've learnt all that a Slayer needs to know in order to survive. I know my true Gift, and my true Gift is Spike. He is balance; the dark to my light. The moon to my sun. The cold to my heat. The death to my life.

There is more to being the Slayer other than stake this and stake that, and I have become, in a way, elevated. That's how I feel right now. Elevated; enlightened. I'm pretty sure Willow or Giles have a fancy word for it.

Maybe this is the secret a Slayer is supposed to discover. Maybe I will not be the last. I think Faith likes the idea of eternal youth and having lots and lots of sex.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Once the bodies of Riley and Travers are removed from the scene – the former's to be returned to the army and the latter's to be returned to England – Giles and Lydia explain to the rest of the men what has happened. I know there won't be all around acceptance of my chosen partner, and it would be too much to hope for to expect it. But for now, from the looks of things these guys are at least tolerating Spike and as long as they don't try and kill him, that's fine with me.

After the members of the Council leave, so do Angel and Cordelia. Just under a year ago it broke my heart to watch Angel leave; to hear him say that things weren't going to work out between us and we needed to go our separate ways. Back then I vowed never to love anyone else again, even though I technically broke that vow with Parker first…

But things have changed so much since then, and when I watch him go, I feel nothing. Angel is my past and Spike is my future.

Spike tells me that he feels the same way about Drusilla. A year ago he was begging her to take him back, and now he doesn't feel a thing when she leaves. She even hints that this is the reason why she sired him; so he can find me.

Maybe the big ho isn't so bad, after all. If only she could stop killing people.

When everyone has gone home and things have quietened down, Spike and I walk hand in hand to his crypt. We want to be alone when we do this. This is something that's special and intimate. We can hold a ceremony later with a minister and a white dress and flowers and all that other crap I was longing for all those months ago, when a spell was over us and I was sat on Spike's lap in loving bliss.

I wanted to forget the spell back then. Now I'm grateful it happened. I owe Willow big time.

It's probably a good thing that we've had sex before; there's not as much heat or desperation. We are slow and tender, taking our time to make this time different.

We're still passionate. I doubt that will ever fade, even after a thousand years.

And when Spike's game face slides into place at the height of our passion, I'm not afraid. I let him bite me. He bites over Angel's marks, erasing them forever, and before his lips meet mine once more – before I can taste him and be bonded forever – I hear the one word I've been wanting to hear for so long.

"Mine."

"Yours."

* * *

_And all along I believed I would find you_

_Time has brought your heart to me_

_I have loved you for a thousand years_

_I'll love you for a thousand more_

~ Christina Perri, _A Thousand Years_

* * *

**End Notes**: A huge, huge thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, faved and liked this story. I'm sorry it took me so long to finish it, and I really appreciate all the feedback I've received. I'll be working on finishing _Love Never Dies_ now, so look out for updates on that!


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